February 1, 2006
Dear Muffin:
There is this new kid. Which is living at our house. It is a exchange kid.
From another Nation of the Earth.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
February 2, 2006
Muffin,
This kid, it is nothing but a simple cat.
It is not a exotic animal such as a jagarundi.
Me, I have been reading about jagarundis.
Jagarundis, they corner in the manner of Ferraris. They have claws and teeth like Exacto blades.
Jagarundis, they can kill a entire antelope. I am not kidding.
Anyways, I was hoping that exchange kid, it would be a jagarundi.
But no.
Yours,
GDL
February 3, 2006
Muffin,
That exchange kid, it eats nothing but noodles. We have to buy a lot of noodles for that exchange kid.
-G
February 4
Shoveling sloppy wet snow from the steps. Big soggy snowflakes, they are plopping all over this new black pea coat which Charlie handed down.
I wonder why it is called a pea coat. That is weird. Probably nobody knows.
That lifesize plastic deer, it is wearing a pantsuit which is made entirely of pink feathers. Plus several loops of faux pearls. Sparrows, they are perched on those loops of pearls. Those sparrows, they are squeaking and they are swinging on those pearls.
Anyways I think those pearls are faux. But maybe they are not faux.
February 5
Reading Chapter 22 of The Lullaby Kittens of Skittles Hill. This is the chapter in which all hell breaks loose.
Snooples and Chessie, they are in the kitchen popping some corns. They are dumping garlic powder all over the pop corns. There is a big cloud of garlic powder dust.
This book, it is pretty good. For a little kids book. The Lullaby Kittens, they have their little flashlights. They are entering the Dark Mine Shaft.
What is that sound.
I shall go into the kitchen to investigate.
Snooples and Chessie, they have left the popcorns unattended with the lid off. Popcorns, they are flying everywheres.
Snooples and Chessie, they are nowhere to be seen.
I shall slam the lid down upon these popcorns. I shall go looking for Snooples and Chessie. Perhaps they have become kidnapped and are in a dungeon this very minute.
There they are in the front yard. They are catching snowflakes upon their tongues.
February 6
Chemistry Class
We are making incendiary devices. Whoever makes the nicest conflagration gets a burger cupon.
Mr. Muzzlewhite, he is walking up and down between the laboratory benches with a fire extinguisher tucked under his arm.
Fifi Laphroags incendiary device, it is sending up festive multicolored sparkles. They are reflecting nicely in Fifi Laphroags goggles.
Chickenloafs incendiary device, it is pluming brilliant flames that spell out the word RADISH.
Snooples incendiary device, it is playing The Star Spangled Banner.
Chessies incendiary device, it spinned around three times, sputtered out, and became a black turd. Chessie, she is stomping out of the room.
My incendiary device, it smells like weasel urine. It will not even splutter.
Too much black powder, Ben.
That is what Mr. Muzzlewhite tells Ben.
However it is too late. Bens eyebrows and whiskers, they are carbon crinkles.
Mr. Muzzlewhite, he is handing out burger cupons to Snooples and Chickenloaf and Fifi Laphroag.
February 7
School Lunch Line
WHAT IS THAT QUIVERING HEAP OF STUFF.
Tripe.
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM IN THE CORRECT STATE OF MIND TO APPRIECIATE TRIPE. I SHALL HAVE SOME OF THOSE GRAHAM CRACKER THINGS.
Eat the tripe, kid.
February 14
Lunch Room
Ms. Van Lips and Nini: they are performiing a special piano duet upon our behalf. As it is Valentine's Day.
Ms. Van Lips and Nini: they are wearing a sparkling pink gown and a sparkling white gown respectively. Also matching tiaras. Also white gloves up to the elbows.
Ms. Van Lips and Nini, they are playing LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING.
Now that all the uneaten stewed hog testicles have been cleared away we are enjoying Valentine Cookies plus strawberry milk. Each Valentine Cookie, it has a fresh strawberry on top. Except for Ben who is allowed only Ovaltine.
Snooples, she has just plucked the strawberry from the top of her Valentine Cookie. Snooples, she has given that strawberry to one of the gerbil kids in a pinafore dress. That gerbil kid, she is holding that strawberry between her paws and she is taking a big bite out of that strawberry. That gerbil kid, she is passing that strawberry down the line to the other gerbil kids.
Snooples, she is breaking up her Valentine Cookie into little bits. Snooples, she is handing out those Valentine Cookie bits to the gerbil kids. The gerbil kids, they are holding them like harmonicas. The gerbil kids, they are happily nibbling. The gerbil kids, they are dribbling pink icing.
SNOOPLES YOU MUST NOT GIVE AWAY ALL OF YOUR COOKIE. YOU WILL STARVE.
but it is valentine's day.
WHAT DOES THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT.
Now we are being instructed to stand and hold paws or hooves or whatever. We must sing IT'S A SMALL WORLD.
This gerbil paw, it is sticky.
There that is over. I shall wipe my paw upon my sweater.
February 15
School Lunch Line
WHAT ARE THOSE SMALL LUMPS.
Quail gizzards. Good for the fur.
PERHAPS I SHALL JUST HAVE THE BANANA JELLOW.
No quail gizzards no banana jello, kid.
February 16, 2006
Dear Muffin,
This kid, its name is Beefy The Frog. Or some damn thing.
Yours,
Gracie
February 17, 2006
Muffin -
Fifi Laphroag. That is that kids name.
She is interested in the sciences.
Yours,
GDL
February 18, 2006
Dear Muffin,
You will be interested in this.
The Vomit Scouts, they have branched out. The Vomit Scouts, they now provide First Aid also CPR. Snooples, she showed me her new badges,
Yours,
Gracie De La Rue
February 19
There goes three Vomit Scout scooters buzzing past. Probably some kid is strangling on the sheeps brains.
These sheeps brains, they have slid from my lunch tray onto the floor. That is a damned shame.
I guess I will sit down here and eat Snooples liverwurst sandwich and milk. As Snooples is busy giving CPR.
February 20
Reading Chapter 36 of The Lullaby Kittens of Skittles Hill.
Nini, she is in the kitchen. Nini, she is making cheese bread. Snooples and Chessie, they are helping to knead the bread dough. Chickenloaf, she is rubbing a blob of grease around the pan with her paw. Ben, he is cutting the cheese.
All 5 of them, they are singing THE ROBIN WITH THE SPINDLE LEGS.
oh he goes without his trousers
and he skittles on his legs!
PIPE DOWN I AM READING.
However they do not hear. On account of the stove fan I guess.
Anyways, the Lullaby Kittens, they have just found the missing canoe. That missing canoe, it is lying in the Deserted Warehouse. That canoe, it is full of skeletons.
oh he builds compliant browsers
and he skittles on his legs!
I SAID PIPE DOWN OUT THERE.
Damnit.
I cannot read with that racket.
I shall go into the kitchen and eat some cheese.
However there is no cheese.
WHERE IS THE CHEESE. I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE CHEESE.
it is all gone!
it is mixed into the dough!
Aaagh!
Ben, he has just fallen over backwards.
February 21, 2006
Dear Muffin,
Ben, yesterday he ate a large amount of cheese bread dough. Ben, he was the size and shape of a kick ball. On account of that dough, it was rising.
Ben, he became larger and more spherical with each passing minute.
Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf, they rolled Ben around on the floor. However, that did no good.
He must be punched repeatedly. That is what Nini instructed us.
We placed Ben upon the kitchen table. We punched Ben repeatedly.
Next we flipped Ben over. We punched Ben repeatedly on the other side.
Eventually the punching, it worked. Ben, he became less spherical.
Yours,
Gracie
February 22
School Lunch Room
Oh great the only place to sit down is at the table with the goats.
The goats, they are playig chess. They are blatting over incomprehensible goat jokes. They are chomping the poppy seed muffins wrappers and all. They are chomping their plastic utensils.
The goats, they are bashing their empty milk cartons against their foreheads. They are chomping down their milk cartons.
Now the goats, they are chomping up their lunch trays.
You gonna eat that milk carton?
I have given a particularly rank goat my empty milk carton.
Anyways, this head cheese. It is pretty good.
February 23
School Lunch Line
Oh good. Today they are serving baby potatoes. Baby potatoes: they are delicious.
Wait those are not baby potatoes. They are walking around on little legs. They are smeared with butter and stuck all over with oregano and they are walking around on little legs.
I BELIVE I SHALL JUST PUT MY TRAY BACK. AS I AM FEELING WOOZY.
Oh no eight Vomit Scout scooters: they are buzzing in this direction with klaxons blazing.
February 24, 2006
Dear Muffin,
Chessie, she has joined Pias band: Deaf Leopard. You may have heard of it.
Chessie, she plays the maracas.
Chessie, she goes into this sort of trance. Chessie, she marches back and forth in a stiff manner in front of the band. Chessie, all the while she is wildly shaking the maracas.
The crowd, it goes wild.
Afterwards Chessie, she does not remember anything.
Yours Truly,
Gracie De LaRue
February 24, 2006
Dear Gracie,
No, I cannot say as we have any goats attending medical college. Perhaps they are too disruptive. More likely though, their inclination is in the direction of the MBA program. I shall investigate on your behalf.
We do have a jagarundi, however. It is taxidermized and resides upon the top shelf in the anatomical comparison laboratory. It appears to be a young jagarundi; most likely it was driving a sports car too fast. And so now it enjoys its own sawdust-filled version of immortality.
You would enjoy the anatomical comparison laboratory, especially the pickled items. I shall send you some postcards from the bookstore.
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin
February 25
School Lunch Line
WHAT IS THIS BOWL OF BLACK STUFF. WITH THE PARSLEY SPRIG ON TOP.
Marmite.
Sigh.
February 28
Playground
We are watching the goats.
The goats, they are walking single file across the top fo the swingset. They are jumping from the top of the swingset over to the top of the slide. They are sliding down the slide on their hoofs.
The goats, they are climbing up the monkey bars. The goats, they are jumping over onto top of the swingset and starting all over again.
The goats, they have been doing this for 40 minutes.
The little kids, they are upset. The little kids, they are sucking their mittens. They do not wish to swing upon the swingsets. Not with those goats up there.
Hey watch this.
Bucky Lawless, he is bounding off to the fence along the cornfield at the end of the playground. Bucky Lawless, he is spinning around. Now he is running full tilt in the direction of Walter Whitman's school bus.
Bucky Lawless, he has leaped atop the school bus. He is clacking around atop the school bus.
baaaah! baaaaaaaah!
The goats, they are impressed.
The goats, they are jumping onto the bumper of the school bus. They are jumping onto the hood of the school bus. The goats, they are clambering all over the school bus.
Bing Hamton, he has landed atop the roof of the school bus in two bounds.
The chains on the swingset, they are creaking again.
The little kids, they are swinging. The little kids, they are singing SILENT NIGHT.
What is
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