May 1
It is spring once again. I am helping Nini wax the bald heads of the Garden Gnomes.
There are 2 lines of garden gnomes in the yard: one for gnomes with waxed heads. one for gnomes with unwaxed heads.
The gnomes with waxed heads, they appear happier somehow.
May 3
Chickenloaf and Pia, they are cleaning beer cans out of the Miata. Snooples, she is pushing her rattly motorless reel lawnmower back and forth behind the house and she is singing MOW THEM CARES AWAY which is a song Snooples made up.
Me, I am assisting Nini with the scrubbing of the cucumber frames.
NINI HERE IS A DEADLY SNAKE WHICH WILL STRANGLE US.
Nini, with one paw she has grabbed that deadly snake by the tail and she has flung that deadly snake in a high arc over the Forsythia hedge. Nini has done this without looking up from the cucumber frame which she is scrubbing.
Nini, she has not even interrupted her singing of THE HAPPY STRUDL DANDLER.
May 5
Assisting Nini with the planting of the radish seeds.
We are planting 26 rows of radish seeds.
Nini, she is wearing a large powder blue straw hat with little plastic carrots all over it. Also matching powder blue gloves which go all the way up to the elbows and which have little plastic carrots on the cuffs. Also powder blue knee pads.
DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY EAT RADISHES THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
Nini, she does not listen. Nini, she is humming CALLITHUMPS AND COLLYWOBBLES.
I am fairly sure that is a British song.
May 7
Tweezing the baby onions. Nini, she is dabbling the egg plants.
Eggs. They come from plants. I did not know this.
Apparently chickens, they have this egg racket going on.
Chickens, they have had this egg racket going on for God knows how long. Here it turns out they are buying eggs on the black market or whatever and then they sit on them. Then they make a killing selling those eggs.
Wait until I tell Pia about this.
May 9
Supper Table
Nini, she is wearing matching oven mitts with little roast chicken legs embroidered all over them. Nini, she is placing a big pot of dolloped potatoes with ham bits midst the supper plates.
Chickenloaf and Snooples and Chessie, they are yelling yay.
Ben, he is clasping his paws in a peculiar cagelike fashion. Ben, he has his eyes pinched shut. Ben, he is mumbling something about the Buddah and ham bits.
The rest of us, we are digging in.
the school pageant is ten plus seven plus one days away!
we shall sweepingly transform the school pageant!
with our majestic and moving performance!
CHESSIE YOU ARE BLATTING ACROSS THE JELLO SALAD. SNOOPLES. YOU MUST LEARN TO HOLD YOUR FORK AS THOUGH IT IS A FINE WRITING INSTRUMENT. NOT STRANGLED IN YOUR FIST.
we shall be dressed as clams!
as freshwater clams!
Pia's cellular phone, it is burbling the opening stanzas of AQUALUNG for the 28th time this evening.
Pia, she is stalking down the hall. Pia, she is arguing into her cellular phone.
Isn't that nice. Clams.
That is what Dad says. Dad, he is heaping his plate with dolloped potatoes.
A robin, it just skittled past the window carrying a small handgun.
May 11
Assisting Nini with mulching the rhubarbs.
Massive leathery rhubarb leaves, they are arching everywheres over our heads. They are creating a stifling atmosphere. Pillbugs wearing expensive looking running shoes, they keep scurrying over our foots.
Somewhere off to the left Pia is clattering tools and cursing at the garden tractor.
This is boring as hell. Also I have to pee.
I believe I shall tiptoe away and pee behind this large rhubarb.
NO I WAS NOT PLANNING TO PEE BEHIND THE RHUBARB. I WAS FOLLOWING A MOUSE.
Nini, she is patting down the mulch in a No Nonsense Manner with her hickory-handled mulching paddle.
I wonder if Nini realizes that Stinkbugs holding colorful parasols, they are ambling around all over Nini's straw hat.
May 20
Standing around the school yard watching Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton show off with yo yos and waiting for Walter Whitman to come out of the Manure Pit Bar and Grille down the road and climb into his school bus and head up this way to drive us all home.
Oh boy here comes Chessie and Snooples out of the schoolhouse with their arms full of their School Pageant outfits.
CHESSIE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE A CLAM.
Chessies ears, they are flattened along her skull.
THAT THERE IS A BRIGHT RED LOBSTER SUIT.
Chessie, she scowls murderously and kicks at stones.
i am a freshwater clam!
Snooples, she is holding up a costume which looks like a quilted waffle with legs.
Oh good. Here comes Walter Whitman weaving his way up the road in the school bus. Am anxious to get home as we are having Cheese Exploders for supper.
Chessie, she is stomping up the bus steps in a clatter of lobster claws.
May 25
It is a nice spring day. Snooples, she is rattling back and forth over the lawn with her motorless lawnmower and she is yelling MOW THEM CARES AWAY which is a song Snooples made up. Chickenloaf and Chessie, they are helping Pia clean beer cans out of the Miata.
Me, I am plucking caterpillars from the Saskatoon trees.
These woolen caterpillar-plucking gloves, they are overlarge and clumsy. Also the goggles, they keep steaming up.
Also this: Large and hairy green and gold caterpillars, they keep dropping off the trees and landing inside my shirt collar where they frantically ramp around.
Also there are snails underfoot. Which look like small cows. This one here, it definitely looks like a cow.
Oh. It is a cow. It is a small blue rubber cow. This small blue rubber cow, it is from Chickenloafs eraser collection.
I shall pocket this small blue rubber cow.
Aaaagh!
A caterpillar, it has slid all the way down the back of my shirt.
May 28
Nini, she is hacking with her pink-handled axe at a old cow parsnip root.
Me, I am supposed to be coruscating the soil all around these turnips.
However, I am watching a group of green beetles wearing backpacks instead. Those green beetles, they are unpacking camping equipment. They are pitching a tiny L.L. Bean tent. One of the green beetles, it is cooking on a campfire the size of a match head.
Mind the turnips. You are standing directly upon them.
That is what Nini says.
WELL ANYWAYS. TURNIPS. WHAT GOOD ARE THEY.
Nini, she does not acknowledge this question. Nini, she is bracing her foots and she is yanking on that old cow parsnip root with both paws.
Those green beetles, now they are rolling out sleeping bags and fluffing pillows. Now they are sitting around the camp fire. They are roasting ant larvaes on the ends of twigs. They are singing a squeaky song about ant larvaes.
Uh oh. One of the ant larvaes. It has bursted into flame.
Bowels.
PARDON?
Turnips are excellent for the bowels.
Nini has triumphantly yanked that old cow parsnip root right out of the ground.
What is
The PawPilot?
