June 1
Everybody else in the family: they are off bicycling somewheres. Not me. I am not bicycling.
Me, I am spritzing buttermilk and vinegar upon the stones in Ninis rockery.
Nini, she is tweezing weeds from around the little bitty plants in the rockery. The little bitty plants, they are drooping from the rain.
WHY MUST WE SPRITZ THE STONES. STONES, THEY DO NOT GIVE A DAMN IF THEY ARE SPRITZED.
Spritzing is good for the soul.
That is what Nini says.
I think I will drown this centipede with buttermilk.
June 3
Have escaped from Nini.
Am over at Vladimir Polesaw's helping to plow the punkin fields. Vladimir Polesaw, he is letting me use the Farmall Tractor.
This Farmall tractor, it is awesome. It is better than Snooples $200,000 Kubota tractor even.
This Farmall tractor, I will ask Vladimir Polesaw if I can ride it in the tractor shows. No doubt I shall receive many trophies.
However I cannot get this Farmall tractor to start. It is just whirring.
Oh I know. I must pull out the choke thing. The choke thing, it shoots extra oil at the accelerator pedal I think.
Also I shall put it into high gear. I think it is supposed to be in high gear.
Now I shall press the starter.
BLAP BLAP BLAPBLAPBLAPBLAP.....
This Farmall tractor, it is racing backwards towards the woods at breakneck speed. Mice are jumping everywheres out of the engine compartment.
Vladimir Polesaw, he is running across the field in this direction. Vladimir Polesaw, he is waving his arms.
That is nice. I shall wave back.
Now I shall now pull down this big lever.
Huh. I seem to have just flipped the plows upside down somehow.
I know. I shall press down the brake pedal with both foots.
There. This Farmall tractor, it has stopped nicely.
However the plows, they are halfway up a cucumberwood tree.
June 10
Am polishing the headlights on this Farmall tractor in preparation for pulling stumps.
This Farmall tractor, it is a awesome-powered muscular hauling machine.
That is what this Farmall Tractor is.
Oh damnit.
Ninis pink limousine, it has just pulled up.
Now I must go home and help Nini spittle the hops vines.
June 15, 2006
Dear Muffin,
How are you I am having a pretty good spring except for Nini. Nini, she is working me to death.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
June 17, 2006
Muffin:
I believe I have developed a bad back. This bad back, it is from yanking at the weeds.
A cat should not have to yank at weeds.
Also this: I have brittle paws.
Also my knees: Something is wrong with my knees.
Please write back immediately. Am wondering if I will be dead soon.
Yours,
GDL
June 19, 2006
Dear Muffin:
Guess what. I am getting pretty good at driving Vladimir Polesaw's Farmall tractor.
Vladimir Polesaw's tractor, it is a Farmall tractor. It is even better than Snooples tractor which anyway she underuses.
I am going to ask Vladimir Polesaw if I can drive that tractor back and forth to school.
Yours truly,
Gracie De La Rue
June 22
Observing the activities in the neighborhood underneath the Spiraea bushes.
Mimulus Beak, he is back.
Mimulus Beak, he has a used car lot. That used car lot, it is full of old toy cars and trucks.
Mimulus Beak, he is showing some sparrows a used plastic Rambler station wagon.
That Rambler station wagon, it has only 3 wheels. The fourth wheel, it is the lid to a Advil bottle.
Mimulus Beak, he gestures expansively toward the plastic Rambler station wagon. One of those sparrows, it is writing a check.
June 23
Watching with binoculars some robins kicking over dirt clods and conducting an intense discussion in the geranium bed.
will you won't you will you won't you will you won't you join the dance!
will you won't you will you won't you will you won't you join the dance!
Chessie and Snooples, they are clattering like hail across the porch in their tap dance shoes. They are shouting THE LOBSTER QUADRILLE.
CHESSIE AND SNOOPLES YOU MUST CONDUCT THIS ACTIVITY ELSEWHERE. I AM BIRDING.
it is imperative that we rehearse!
it is a matter of life and death!
YOU ARE SCARING AWAY CHICKADEES AND EGRETS AND WHATNOT.
look! a tarantula!
Snooples and Chessie, they are on their paws and knees and they are examining a thumbtack-size spider trundling across the porch.
I shall adjust these binoculars to get a better look at those robins.
One of those robins, he is passing a large bundle of cash to the other robin. In exchange for a slender briefcase.
will you won't you will you won't you will you won't you join the dance!
Those robins, they have skittled around behind the pipe organ.
Sigh.
I guess I will go watch Bonanza with Ben.
June 24
Assisting Nini with the whacking of the borage stalks.
Nini, she is thwacking every which way with a enormous machete.
Nini, she is accoutered in a crisply ironed khaki trouser outfit. That khaki trouser outfit, it has dozens of pockets which bristle with complicated gardening gadgets. A tasteful and diaphanous black bug veil, it hangs all around the brim of Ninis pith helmet.
Ninis white whiskers, they are sticking through the bug veil.
Me, I am keeping a safe distance behind. Me, I am equipped with a large pair of scissors which must be operated with both paws.
Later
Itching all over from the borage stalks.
Will take a nice long bubble bath.
June 25
Still itching all over from the borage stalks.
June 26
Still itching all over from the borage stalks even though am pink from ears to tail with Calamino Lotion.
June 27
Mad Poets Class. We are discussing the poetry of Laura Riding.
Continue to itch all over from the borage stalks. Cannot stop scratching and pulling at sweater collar.
Uh oh.
Everybody, they are gazing in this direction. Ms. Wysiwyg, apparently she has just called upon me.
UM.
Everybody, they are still gazing in this direction.
WELL.
My right-hand foot, it itches madly.
LAURA RIDING, SHE WAS A GOAT HEAD.
I guess that was not the correct answer.
Must remain after class and write 100 times that Laura Riding is not a goat head.
June 28
Evening.
Am attempting to study Intentional Logarithmics at the dining room table. Intentional Logarithmics, they do not make much sense.
Also am still itching all over from the borage stalks.
will you walk a little faster said the whiting to the snail!
Snooples and Chessie, they have rolled up the Turkey Rug. Snooples and Chessie, they are once again practicing the singing and the tapdancing of the LOBSTER QUADRILLE.
Pia, she is lounging upon the sofa and is lazily wagging one foot. Pia, she is wearing blue jeans with no knees whatsoever and which are spattered with black sequins. Pia, she is filing her claws with a scratchy little board. Pia, she is perusing The Daily Bugle.
there's a porpoise close behind us and he's stomping on my tail!
Treading.
huh?
And he's treading on my tail.
huh?
Says here two local robins got arrested for murdering a meadow vole. Plus trafficking illegal harmonicas.
Huh.
I'm swiping Ben's bass for the night. You didn't see this.
Pia, she is gripping Ben's pink electric bass by the neck. Pia, she is gliding out the door.
June 20, 2006
Dear Gracie,
I am hoping that this spring finds you in fine fettle and with no fleas!
Well, I am now halfway completed with veterinary school. I shall be engaged in a practicum, in which I will be ministering to an array of exotic creatures at the zoological gardens in Huxborough for the next three months. I am in particular looking forward to studying the marsupials as we have none in my native land.
Also this: I have received of late excellent news from Old Auntie! She is remarrying!
The lucky fellow is a fine elderly resident of the next village over. Although he has become somewhat plump and swaybacked he still sells farming implements which he constructs from parts which he recovers from the twisted wrecks outside of Antokupoville.
I have always told Auntie: You are young! You have been widowed for only 33 years! You still have your good looks!
I am most pleased that Old Auntie shall not go through the - how do you say it in the United States - Bronze Age in the single-harness, as it were.
Write soon and tell me how it goes with the whacking of the borage stalks!
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin
P.S. I nearly forgot! My address for the summer shall be:
91 M Fanfaronade Avenue
Huxborough, England GB 10101-C-12 BXE2023-e
June 30
It is the last day of school. Chessie, she is struggling into her lobster suit.
CHESSIE YOU CANNOT WEAR YOUR LOBSTER SUIT ON THE SCHOOL BUS. THE ANTENNAES WILL BOTHER EVERYBODY.
Chessie, she is grumbling somewheres deep inside the lobster suit.
Zweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Sooples, she has zipped up the back of the lobster suit. Chessies fur, it is sticking every which way through the zipper tooths.
Now we are trudging to the bus stop. A bright red lobster with a furry white hind end, it is stomping along up ahead of us.
The lobster tail, it is laying back on the porch steps.
Now the lobster, it is standing with its claws folded. Snooples, she is reattaching the lobster's tail.
Now the lobster, it is wedging its way up the bus steps with claws and fins and antennaes flailing about and snagging everywheres.
Now the lobster, it is dragging its tail with one claw down the aisle of the bus.
Evening
Well here we are assembled in the auditorium for the School Pageant.
Nini, she is snapping picture after picture with her Instamatic. Even though the only thing on stage so far, it is Ben.
Ben, he has his fists clentched to his chest and he is singing THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
Now some Clydesdales, they are clopping around the stage in tie-dyed bellbottom trousers and they are performing various dance formations and they are singing THE AGE OF AQUARIUS in low, gravelly, hoarse voices.
Those bellbottom trousers. They certainly do emphasize those Clydesdales large hind ends.
Okay. Here comes Snooples and Chessie.
will you walk a little faster said the whiting to the snail!
Snooples and Chessie, they are clattering across the stage in their tapdance shoes. Snooples and Chessie, they are singing at the top of their lungs.
there's a porpoise close behind us and he's stomping on my tail!
There goes Chessies lobster tail.
Chessie, she does not yet realize that the lobster tail, it is gone. Everybody, they are elbowing one another and they are pointing at the lobster's furry white hind end.
Here comes Ben hurrying across the stage. Ben, he is maneuvering in the wake of Chessie. Ben, he is attempting to reattach the lobster tail.
However, that lobster tail, it will not reattach. Also Chessie, she keeps dancing off in one direction or another.
Now Chessie, she is holding the lobster tail on her behind with both claws whilst tapdancing.
Here comes the part where they twirl around and shake their derrrierres.
There goes the lobster tail. It is sailing into the orchestra pit.
fuck this.
Chessie's squeaky voice, it has cut through all other sounds in the auditorium. There is a stunned silence.
Chessie, she has yanked off the lobster head and has hurled it to the stage. Chessie, she is stomping off the stage.
Snooples, she is skittling along behind in her clattery tapdance shoes.
APPLAUSE
CURTAIN
Who is Gracie De La Rue?
