March 1, 2006
Dear Muffin:
You may be interested in this: Ben, he is now a Eagle Scout.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
March 3, 2006
Dear Muffin:
You may not know this but in order to become a Eagle Scout: one must do a shitload of work.
Ben, he had to do a shitload of work.
Anyways, Ben: he is now a Eagle Scout.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
March 4, 2006
Dear Muffin:
Also Bing Hamton, he is a Eagle Scout.
Yours,
Gracie
March 5, 2006
Muffin -
Also Joey Binks. He is also a Eagle Scout as well.
Yours,
Gracie
March 7, 2006
Dear Muffin:
We have a new Movie iPaw. This is good.
However, we all must share the Movie iPaw. That is bad.
Yours,
Gracie
March 8, 2006
Muffin:
If you want to know it was Ninis idea that we all must share the Movie iPaw in order to teach us FAMILY VALUES which sucks.
Yours,
GDL
March 6
Getting ready for school.
The weather, it is snowing insanely. Snooples and Chessie, they are still in their pajamas. Snooples and Chessie, they are standing with their noses and paws pressed against the window panes.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE YOU MUST MAKE PROGRESS IN DRESSING YOURSELVES. THE GUY FROM REPTILE WORLD IS VISITING THE SCHOOL TODAY.
it is wholly unnecessary!
we shall be snowed in for a fortnight!
NONSENSE HE IS BRINGING A COLLECTION OF DEADLY SNAKES.
Ben, he is walking stiffly back and forth across the living room. Ben, he is dressed in his Eagle Scout uniform and he is muttering to himself. Ben, he is practicing carrying a Boy Scout Flag.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE YOU MUST STOP DRAWING STICK GIRAFFES ON THE WINDOW STEAM. YOU MUST GO CHANGE INTO YOUR SCHOOL JUMPERS.
Oh damnit there goes the school bus.
Now we will have to ride to school in Pias Miata. We will probably all die.
March 7
Snowing once again. Am watching Pia's Miata through the window with binoculars.
Pia, she has left the windows down on the Miata.
That Miata, it is filling up with snow.
March 8
Shoveling a path through the snow to Pias Miata which the windows were left down once again. On account of Deaf Leopard: It is playing tonight at the new horse bar.
Snooples, she is following behind with the pepper grinder.
Snooples, she is concentrating very hard on the pepper grinding. Snooples, she is frowning. Snooples, she is wearing earmuffs shaped in the manner of the heads of small bears.
March 10
Lunch Room
There is Much clattering of trays and yelling of kids and buzzing of scooters. It is nearly impossible to hear The Ramones on this new movie iPaw. I guess I will watch a Tom and Jerry cartoon instead.
What the hell.
Someone has just thrown a entire bowl of pudding in this direction.
Butterscotch pudding, it is all over this nice new movie iPaw. Also butterscotch pudding, it is all over my Math book and Geophysics book and Practical Telepathy book. Also it is all over my tray of chicken and giblet gravy.
I shall swab the pudding away with my sweater sleeve.
March 11
School Choir Practice. We are singing PROCTOR MAGNUM GLORIUM however it is lame.
Here is something which I have noticed: Bens Eagle Scout uniform, it is too tight.
Ben's Eagle Scout Uniform, it causes his head and paws to appear poofy and overlarge. The rest of Bens body, it is packaged in the manner of a sausage.
March 12
Gym Class
We are having gym class outside. Despite the fact that it is freezing cold.
Oh damnit not kickball.
MAY I BE EXCUSED I AM TOO OLD FOR KICKBALL.
Now we are playing kickball.
The kickball, it has just bounced off my head.
The kickball, it has just bounced off my head again.
Now it is my turn to kick the kickball.
I have kicked the kickball. However the kickball: It has rolled a mere 3 inches.
Bucky Lawless: He has just kicked the kickball over the roof of the school house and into the woods beyond the cow pasture.
Some little kids: They are bringing the kickball back. However that kickball: it is punctured and it is dead.
There that is the end of kickball.
March 12, 2006
Dear Muffin;
I neglected to mention: Some of the Eagle Scouts: They are actual eagles.
Gotta go,
Gracie De La Rue
March 13, 2006
Dear Muffin:
Becoming a Eagle Scout: It is a very big deal. Ben, in order to become a Eagle Scout: He had to make fire using only bread.
Ben, he had to pattle a canoe blindfolded across a dark cold bottomless lake full of carps.
He had to rescue some baby seals from a Laundromat.
Respectfully,
GDL
March 14
Shoveling a path to the compost heap through 3 feet of snow.
March: I was under the impression that if it comes in in the manner of a crazed goat or whatever that it was supposed to Go Out In The Manner Of A Lamb.
However I see no lambs.
March 15
Shoveling snow once again.
Oh good there is a flock of geese.
Those geese: They are barking and flapping in a northerly direction. Perhaps will shall not perish in a eternal winter after all.
Those geese. They are turning around. They are flapping to the south.
March 17
Dumping limp carrots onto the compost pile.
There is Dads book Feng Sui in the Modern Bathroom Using iPod Hacks lying sodden upon the compost heap next to a onion.
I guess that book, it was not a good book.
March 18
Shoveling a path through the snow to Charlies Mini Cooper. Snooples, she is following and she is cranking the pepper grinder.
Snooples, she has a extremely pink nose. On account of the terribly cold weather. Snooples, she appears glum.
SNOOPLES WHERE ARE YOUR MITTENS. YOU HAVE NEGLECTED TO WEAR YOUR MITTENS.
lost! lost in the railroad museum!
WHAT ABOUT THE MITTEN CLIPS. I INSTRUCTED YOU TO WEAR THE MITTEN CLIPS.
Snooples has paused mid-crank. Snooples looks perplexed.
MITTEN CLIPS ARE ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT WHEN ONE IS EMBARKING UPON FIELD TRIPS.
Oh damnit. Snooples lower lip, it is trembling.
OKAY FORGET THE MITTEN CLIPS. WE MUST FINISH A PATH THROUGH THE SNOW TO THE MINI COOPER. CHARLIE, HE MUST GO NEUTER A ANGUS.
The steel ball atop the pepper grinder which holds the entire contraption together: it has popped off. That steel ball, it is rolling down the path. That steel ball: It has just rolled into a chickmump's hole.
Snooples and me, we are on all fours. We are excavating that chickmump hole.
However the steel ball. It is gone.
March 20
Shoveling a path through the snow to the pipe organ. Snooples is following behind and is operating the pepper grinder.
Snooples, she is operating the pepper grinder using a pair of vice grips.
That pepper grinder: It is making horrible scraping sounds.
March 22
Snooples and me, we are sorting through the box of nuts and bolts in the basement.
We are looking for steel balls.
However there are no steel balls.
March 24
Snooples and me, we are digging through the toolbox in the trunk of Pias Miata in search of steel balls.
However there are no steel balls.
There is only a bunch of greasy wrenches plus a plastic bag of catnip.
March 29
DAD DO YOU HAVE STEEL BALLS.
Excuse me?
I guess Dad, he does not have steel balls.
March 30
Snooples and Chessie and me, we are at the hardware store. Chessie, she is inspecting the welding rods.
WE WISH TO PURCHASE SOME STEEL BALLS.
No steel balls, kid. Big run on 'em. On account of the snow.
perhaps this device will work!
THAT THERE IS A WINGNUT. A WINGNUT IS NO GOOD.
Snooples, she has spun the wingnut neatly down onto the bolt of the pepper grinder.
March 31
Shoveling a path through the snow to the mailbox which does not appear to be there anymore.
Chessie, she is following behind with the pepper grinder which is operating nicely: On account of the wingnut.
However Chessie: She is frowning horribly. Chessie's ears, they are flattened back along her skull.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...
CHESSIE YOU MUST SRTIVE TO BE MORE ATTENTIVE WITH THE PEPPER GRINDER. UPON THE SNOW THERE ARE BALD SPOTS. UPON WHICH THERE IS NO PEPPER.
I shall now point here and there in an authoritative manner. In order to instruct Chessie.
fuckfuckfuckfuck...
CHESSIE WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE MUTTERING. IT HAD BETTER NOT BE A EPITHET.
this is onerous and ineffectual!
NO MATTER. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT WE PEPPER THE PATH.
it is meretricious! it is stultifying!
PEPPERING THE PATH REDUCES LIFE THREATENING SLIPPAGE HAZARDS.
picaune! nonsensical!
Thank heavens. There is Mrs. Stanchhope's station wagon pulling into the driveway stuffed with waving kittens. Snooples has arrived home from her Junior Kittens meeting. There is Snooples hurrying across the yard in her red coat and red beret.
Now we shall get some real pepper grinding done.
Who is
Iron John?
