Gracie's World
December 1998
Tuesday, December 1, 1998
Today when Mom was out deer hunting, Ben wrote me a note that said he loved me! Pia took it and had a giggling fit. Chickenloaf says it’s just like Pride and Prejudice.
Wednesday, December 2, 1998
Mom wrote this song about me:
Her name is Gracella
She’s made of Vanilla
And very dark chocolate
And all that is sweet.
And she is the belle
Of the ball of the cellar,
‘Cause all the cats tell her
They think she is neat.
My lovely Gracella,
I’m one lucky fella,
You’ve made such a swell
Little cat. We’re complete!
And you know the smell
Of a mouse. You’re a hell
Of a mouser. You’re fast,
And you’re light on your feet!
Gracella, you puddin’ pie!
Let’s give a rat a try!
Let’s start a habit, I
Know you can do it!
Gracella, why can’t I
Be more like a cat?
Wait, that isn’t a rat,
That’s my wrist that you’re chewing.
Gracella….
Eighty five billion cat owners cannot be wrong.
Gracella…
You’ve made me so mellow, I wrote you this song.
Thursday, December 3, 1998
Nini says she’s going to take an airplane ride to discuss the book she just published: Better Than Paris. She says it’s about how she made her fortune investing in Bungee Stocks. She says she started out with 63 cents and a coat button when she was a kitten, and her plan was to save up to travel to Paris. Now she’s The Richest Mammal in the Universe. She says she’s going to have her own cooking show!
Friday, December 4, 1998
Mom is home sick today. Hooray! Hooray!
Saturday, December 5, 1998
Ben is all twinkly-eyed, and he’s singing Christmas songs. He says soon it will snow, and Santa will bring us catnip toys, salmon-flavored snacks, and hacky-sack balls. Chickenloaf says that Santa won’t bring Pia anything except a big dog that will slobber all over her.
Chickenloaf says she wants a pink bandanna with blue hearts all over it for Christmas. Also a small roast chicken.
Ben says he wants fortune cookies and a de-worming.
Weakie says she wants Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond albums.
Nini says she doesn’t need anything for Christmas because she’s The Richest Mammal in the Universe. Dad says if she’s so rich why doesn’t she buy us stuff.
Pia wants black fishnet stockings and three size 5-AAAAAAA Wonder Bras.
Charlie says he wants either an armadillo or a veal calf.
All I want is Peace on Earth.
Sunday, December 6, 1998
Tonight while Mom was folding blankets and putting them in the big wooden chest, Pia jumped on the lid of the chest and it crashed down on Mom’s head!
Monday, December 7, 1998
One of us cats keeps vomiting in the litter boxes. It’s not me!
Mom says this cat is a genius.
Tuesday, December 8, 1998
There are these little orange bugs with dots on them all over the house. One landed on my nose. One crawled across the window while Nini was in the Oriole’s Nest, and Nini yapped and yapped at it. Dad says that yapping at bugs and birds is a dumb hunting technique—if Nini is so rich and so smart, why does she yap at bugs? Pia says those bugs are poison and I should leave them to her to clear away.
Wednesday, December 9, 1998
This morning Mom found two piles of roundworms on the living room floor. Everyone is blaming Ben.
Thursday, December 10, 1998
Somebody threw up roundworms right in the middle of the bed! Mom had to take all the blankets and sheets off the bed and wash them, and Pia says Ben is a Disgusting Worm Bag.
But maybe it wasn't Ben! I don't know 'cause I was asleep! I asked Chickenloaf and Weakie and Nini but nobody knows! It's The Great Roundworm Mystery, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it, to save Ben's good name!
Ben: Did he, or didn't he?
Saturday, December 12, 1998
There’s a big new desk in the house with a lid that rolls up and down except it’s not new it’s very very old and smells like A HUNDRED CATS. Mom says it comes from the farm where she grew up and that there were many cats on that farm that were Of Great Notoriety. One was named Topsy and she was a boxy little black cat who was so smart.
Topsy
One was named the Woolie Woolie. The Woolie Woolie liked coffee and had coffee every morning with Mom in her own little saucer with lots of cream. The Woolie Woolie also liked baked beans. Mom says The Woolie Woolie ate them with relish but that sounds yucky. Then the beans would make the Woolie Woolie so embarrassed!
The Woolie Woolie
Sunday, December 13, 1998
Today Mom wanted to take a nap but Nini kept jumping on her and then up on the night stand and then trying to jump up onto the closet shelf. She kept losing her nerve and jumping down on the floor and then starting the thing all over again. Finally Mom got up, grabbed Nini, who started squealing, and stuffed her right into the closet!
Ben gave me another note today that says he loves me and he would die without my love. Pia says I should test him to see if he’s lying.
Friday, December, 19, 1998
Tonight Mom was washing dishes and singing a song that goes
Chickenloaf’s a little fink!
She’s filthy, and she really stinks!
I’d like to ask her what she thinks!
But I can’t stand the smell!
Mom is always making up songs about cats. Ben says he hopes someday she makes a Christmas album.
Saturday, December 19, 1998
It’s been several days and no roundworms. How can I solve The Great Roundworm Mystery if there are no roundworms?
Sunday, December 20, 1998
This morning Ben was up on the toilet seat looking into the toilet, and he fell head first into the toilet! Pia laughed so hard she fell down and was slapping the ground with her paws and laughing. But Ben saved himself at the last second! He was dangling millimeters above the water, hanging by his hind legs. Then he sort of walked backwards up the inside of the toilet. Just the tips of his whiskers got wet! He’s been very philosophic ever since then.
Monday, December 21, 1998
Mom is teaching me how to use her new camera so I can be a Great Photographer like Dad. I took this picture of Ben. He turned around at the last second.
Wednesday, December 23, 1998
Yesterday while Mom and Dad were at work, Ben showed me these wonderful things he found in the cabinet under the kitchen sink. They were these Yellow Human Hands, except they didn't have anything inside them. We got them out and dragged them around the house for a while. It was good fun. They felt funny on our teeth because they were made of something called Rubber. Ben says anytime we want to, we can get out the Rubber Hands and play with them.
Thursday, December 24, 1998
It’s Christmas Eve! Dad is playing African music. Ben says he likes African music because it sounds like the music from his native land. I am still making Mom’s present. I’m gluing cat kibbles into a Great Pyramid but the glue isn’t working so well. Pia says just use spit but I want this to be special.
Friday, December 25, 1998
Christmas Day! I can’t write much because I’m still wrapping Dad’s present. It’s some paper towels that I wadded up into the shape of angels. I think Dad will like them because he has lots of sculptures in his study.
Saturday, December 26, 1998
Really, really quiet today. I am so bored.
Sunday, December 27, 1998
Mom is home, and she’s playing music by somebody called Daniel Lanwaaah. Ben says he likes Daniel Lanwaaah because his music sounds like the music from his native land.
Monday, December 28, 1998
Charlie and Pia have something called The Heartbreak of Chin Acne. Mom and Dad wash their chins with something called Epoxy Five.
Tuesday, December 29, 1998
Mom is playing music by a band she calls The Cure but I don’t know a cure for what. Maybe tapeworms. Ben says he likes music by The Cure because it sounds like music from his native land.
Wednesday, December 30, 1998
Mom and Dad packed big suitcases and loaded them in the truck this morning and then drove away. Dad said they’d be gone for three days but would be back New Year’s Day. Pia says hooray let’s have a wild party. But I’m glum.
Thursday, December 31, 1998
It’s New Year’s Eve, and Mom and Dad are away. Pia wants to change the message on the answering machine. She wants to invite a bunch of animals over for a wild party. How would you like to meet a porcupine she says. Weakie just wants to sleep.
