Friday, January 1, 1999
Happy New Year, everybody! Mom and Dad came home tonight, which is great because we were so bored. Ben and I dragged around the rubber hands, but even that got boring. Mom was all worried because she couldnt find Nini anywhere, but then Nini popped out, and Mom wasnt worried about Nini anymore. Then she was worried because she couldnt find Weakie anywhere, but then she turned around and Weakie was waddling across the floor, so she wasnt worried about Weakie anymore. Then we all had supper!
Saturday, January 2, 1999
Theres this big fat bird that walks around outside the house, and he looks like he has a cat collar on. Nini says hes a turkey. Pia says hes a vulture. Chickenloaf says hes probably some kind of crab. Mom and Dad make a big deal over him and they call him a ringneck but that only says what kind of neck he has. Nobody seems to know what he really is. One day I was watching him and he said yark! and ran away. Weakie says she knows what he is because she ran with some of them for a while when she was a stray. Pia says she would like to suck on his neckbones
Sunday, January 3, 1999
Last night at bedtime there was pinging and pinging on the outside of the house. Dad said it was spiders chewing their way in. Ben and I waited and waited for the spiders. Then we got tired of waiting and got out the rubber hands and dragged them around. Nini said dont be silly its just an ice storm. This morning the trees were all coated with spit or something but Nini says thats ice. Ben got all twinkly-eyed and said it was pretty.
Monday, January 4, 1999
A few days ago Ben was watching a sparrow hopping around in the tree outside the living room window, and I heard him ask the sparrow, "Hair lip?" He didn't know what a beak was!
Here's a picture Mom took of Ben.
Tuesday, January 5, 1999
Nini is irritatied at Charlie because she says he is stretching out the Oriole's Nest, which is her favorite nap place. Here is the Incontrovertable Evidence.
Sunday, January 10, 1999
Tonight Nini and I played chase. We ran all over the house and jumped between the bars on the dining room chairs. It was good fun. Yesterday Nini jumped out of the bathtub and yelled "A Rubber Knickknack!"
Tuesday, January 12, 1999
Mom didn't come home tonight, and Dad says that she went to Farm Show where there are Giant Cats That Give Milk. But Pia says she's DEAD, and she's collecting candles for a candlelight vigil.
Wednesday, January 13, 1999
Dad was talking on the phone this morning to someone who sure sounded like Mom, and he told her to be sure to bring potato donuts home, but Pia still says Mom is DEAD. Tonight we hold the candlelight vigil.
Thursday, January 14, 1999
Pia was looking for candles 'cause she said we should hold burning candles in front of us and sway and weep a lot. But she couldn't find candles only rolls of toilet paper so we sat with those in front of us until Dad took them away. Then Ben said we should open a bottle of champagne and get tipsy and then Pia said we should divide up Mom's jewelry. But then a truck pulled up in the driveway blowing its horn, and it was Mom! Pia said quick, look happy. Ben wanted potato donuts right away.
Friday, January 15, 1999
Today it was so snowy and Mom and Dad stayed home! They listened to the radio in the morning and then they jumped and cheered. Ben wanted to drag around the Rubber Hands, but Pia said no stupid not when THEY'RE here.
Saturday, January 16, 1999
Mom brought home this picture of these two cats and keeps saying awwww theyre cute and Dad says no more cats or you live in an AIRSTREAM. We all looked at the picture and Pia says the small one looks like a turd with eyes. I said hes cute and he would make a nice little brother and Ben fled the room in tears.
Monday, January 18, 1999
Yesterday Charlie ate a whole bunch of amaryllis leaves and then threw them up right down the side of one of Dads drums that looks like a big barrel. Chickenloaf was a nurse in the war, and she says this is called Project Vomiting. Ben had a project too! His was under the dining room table and it was some spicy herring that he begged for. Then Weakie had a project! Everybody has been so busy!
Tuesday, January 19, 1999
Today Chickenloaf was drinking Po Po Chips, and Nini jumped in the tub and Chickenloaf squeaked really loud! She smacked Nini right on top of the head! Nini didnt say anything to anyone for hours and she looked really really mad.
Wednesday, January 20, 1999
Mom says when Pias upset she sticks her lower lip out just like a bratty kid. Its true! She does stick her lower lip out! The other night Pia wanted to go into the china cabinet where there are Breakables and Mom said You go in there you die its very simple.
Friday, January 22, 1999
Mom was singing this song today:
Praise for the piddle that stinks in the bathroom!
Praise for the piddle that soaks the floor!
Praise for the piddle that puddles in the cat box!
How can we feed cats on our measly ..wages!*
Editor's Note: This song is sung to the tune of "Love on a Farmboys Wages" by XTC
Saturday, January 23, 1999
Nini has been nominated for a Nobel Prize for her economics theory! Her picture is in the Wall Street Journal and Worth! Dad says there's no such thing as bungee stocks shes a big liar if shes so rich why doesnt she support us.
Sunday, January 24, 1999
Today Pia was telling Veterinarian Stories. One time she went to the vet and she farted the whole time. She stunk up the whole veterinarian's office. Even the people out at the front desk were groaning and waving their hands around! Then one time Mom was signing her out and the lady at the desk said P.i.a. Does that stand for Pain in the Ass?
Monday, January 25, 1999
Mom and Dad brought home Easy Chicken tonight that's the chicken that makes Mom sing the song
"Easy chicken! Chicken today!
Eat that chicken, then throw it away!"
Everybody had chicken even Weakie but Weakie didn't eat her chicken so Ben got it and he ate too much chicken and threw it up. Mom said the chicken was fine but Dad said the chicken was NEFARIOUS and Pia has been farting ever since. We all run away from her and yell pew! She gets really really mad and she says we're a bunch of fuckheads. Chickenloaf says this is called a Phenomenon. All I know is, this is why we sometimes call Pia Farty Potatochips.
Tuesday, January 26, 1999
Last night Dad was at a Cow Slip Meeting, and Mom was reading a book and ignoring us, which is really boring. So we got into the computer while Mom wasn't paying attention and looked at all the stuff and deleted some files and found this picture of Mom!
Wednesday, January 27, 1999
Tonight Mom and Dad forgot to give us water and we were all dying! Ben was pulling his body along the floor with one claw and then he died and then he got back up!
Weakie was very very depressed and she said that if they don't give us water soon she would die and I would die and all of us would die! Then Dad gave us water in our bowl in the bathtub and we all jumped in the bathtub and drank and drank and then ran to the litterboxes!
Ben wants me to write about his near-death experience. He says he saw a giant egg and then the egg rolled away and he chased it and then he was walking down a long tunnel and then there were hairballs everywhere and it was springtime. He was falling, falling. Then Pia was there and she said get up nitwit and he was alive!
Here we all are drinking water!
Thursday, January 28, 1999
When my Mom reads in bed is my favorite time because she gives me potato chips and I walk backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards and make a little path in the quilt. Chickenloaf says potato chips are very bad for the complexion. Pia says who the hell would know? But Pia has bad chin acne so what does she know?
Friday, January 29, 1999
Pia says wait 'til Mom and Dad go away again. She says she's going to invite over a whole bunch of animals and have a butt-skidding race! There will be deer and goats and chickens and badgers and dogs and cats and llamas and at least one porcupine. Also popcorn and cotton candy! All the animals will line up at the starting line and skid on their butts like beagles and whoever makes it to the finish line first wins!
Saturday, January 30, 1999
Mom is scratching her head trying to figure out why this morning Charlie suddenly shouted "Saddle up!"
January! Brittle sticks! Slakes of fog! Drizzle!
Butter balls of beebling birds twerbling in the mizzle!
Pia says she wants to add this line to the end of it:
Let's throw Ben outside and watch him freeze his pizzle.
In other news, Pia is circulating a petition saying that Mom is insane. Case in point: she's been holding Ben by his hind legs and making him walk like a wheelbarrow all around the house.