Saturday, January 1, 1900
The happiest of New Years to everyone! It has indeed already been a most blessed and fortuitous one for our family -- for, Pia, who has been pining for marriage to the kind Mr. Grimalkin, has received his proposal at last! Mama and Papa are taking us for a ride in the phaeton a bit later to . . .
Saturday, January 1
Happy New Year everybody! Gosh I can't believe it! I feel so old! I sure have seen a lot of life! The changes in the world in the 3 1/2 years have been just so amazing! I mean just think when I was born Monica Lewinski was in high school!
Gosh that gives me the chills.
Anyways, you shoulda seen Pia last night! She drank some of Dad's GlenLivet and she told a really dirty joke about a parrot and a rottweiler and it made Ben blush right through his orange fur! Then Nini called on her cell phone from Times Square and said be sure to watch the Waterford crystal ball she paid for go down! So we all sat around the TV, and I think I saw Nini waving at us from the crowd!
Then Ben sang a traditional New Years song from his Native Land and it made everybody so weepy!
Sunday, January 2
January is so boring! I am so bored! You should see everybody around here they are all napping and it is so boring! Ben is laying on his back with his paws crossed over his chest and his legs sticking in the air and he is snoring like a chainsaw! Pia fell asleep with her headphones on listening to Pearl Jam so she will probably wake up deaf! Even Mom is napping which I can understand because she works so hard she works harder than anybody in this house with the exception of Pia who is Tidiness Officer!
Monday, January 3
I am so bored! I can't even go sledding 'cause there's no snow! Pia says we shoulda got snowmobiles instead so at least we could go tearing around in the mud!
Ben is napping again! He naps more than anybody I know!
Tuesday, January 4
Oh god this is so boring! I never thought I would say this but I am looking forward to school starting again! Weakie says she has some very special lessons for us also there's a new kid starting in school a hedgehog!
I think I will go iron my new school clothes I got for Christmas!
Wednesday, January 5
This is so cool! Today a man called me from a greeting card company he said he's a talent scout and he saw me in the Christmas play! He says what do you think about being in a kitty calendar? I asked Dad and he said okay but find out the bottom line! Mom and she says okay as long as my fur is on!
Thursday, January 6
I am so excited! I'm gonna be in the Kutsey Kittens Kalendar for the year 2001! When I told everyone Pia got so jealous and mad she turned around and kicked me with one of her hind legs! She says it's probably a kitty porn calendar! She said why do I get picked she looked great in her purple bathrobe in the Christmas play and anyway she's the most beautiful cat in the house!
I'm glad they picked me. Hooray!
Friday, January 7
There's this big frozen puddle outside today and we all put on our rubber boots and slid around on the ice! All except Nini who has Real Ice Skates. It was so fun! Nini was doing all these fancy leaps and pirouettes and we asked her how she knew that stuff and she says she pays for private lessons from several Olympic ice skaters! Also she says all that ballet she took as a kitten really pays off.
I wish I could take ballet lessons!
Saturday, January 8
I asked Dad if I could take ballet lessons and he said yes as long as Nini pays for my ballet lessons! Nini said no problem she would see what Barishnikov is doing these days! So I'm gonna get ballet lessons! For real!
Sunday, January 9
Chickenloaf says if I'm gonna be a ballet dancer I need a too too! She says I can borrow her too too! I tried it on and Pia started laughing and wouldn't stop laughing and she said I looked like a Bartlett pear with a fanbelt wrapped around it! She wouldn't stopped laughing so I slapped her with my claws out and all, and Mom said That Will Be Enough Young Lady and I had to spend the next hour in the Study with Chickenloaf's stinky litterbox!
My life it is so full of ups and downs!
Monday, January 10
Today was our first day back at school and now I'm in the second semester of grade 5. I am a really big kid now! The new kid who is a hedgehog is cute! His name is Mumbly Peg!
Pia sat behind Mumbly Peg and kept sticking Post-It notes on his spines during math class and giggling but Mumbly Peg did not even notice! Anyways all the rest of the girls pulled the Post-It notes off his spines at recess because we all think he is so cute!
Tuesday, January 11
Today we learned HISTORY! I did not know that so much happened before I was born! We learned about the All-Cat Regiment that fought in the Civil War! Many had no uniforms! They marched on only their footpads, and they had to catch and eat mice along the trail! Some of them didn't even have collars or name tags! Fleas and ticks were a problem in the warmer months!
Yet they never lost their courage and they sang all the way to the Battle of Gettysburg! We got to learn their song!
With folderol and fiddlesticks
We're marching to our doom!
With folderol and fiddlesticks
We're marching to our doom!
Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom!
Marching to our doom!
Wednesday, January 12
Today in FELINE HISTORY AND CULTURE STUDIES we learned about the heroic All-Cat Regiment at the Battle of Gettysburg! They marched all the way from Port Matilda to Gettysburg and they had no guns so they hurled cat toys at the Confederate Soldiers!
All the soldiers were too busy fighting and nobody on either side even noticed the All-Cat Regiment! The Confederate soldiers could not figure out where all those catnip mice and little balls with bells inside them were coming from that were bouncing off their shins! So at the end of the Battle of Gettysburg the All-Cat Regiment marched back to Port Matilda singing,
We're marching back from our doom!
Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom!
Marching back from our doom!
The All-Cat Regiment suffered only one casualty when a distracted soldier grabbed little Jelly Bean Piles thinking he was a cannon ball and used him as a cannon ball! Jelly Bean Piles is a great, great hero and shall always be remembered!
Jelly Bean Piles 1861-1863
Thursday, January 13
It snowed today! We all got to put on our boots and hats and coats and go outside and go up the hill and go sledding! All except for Nini who ice skated on the little pond! She wore a white fur coat with jools all over it and matching white ice skates and she had a white fur muff that she put her paws inside! I wish I had white ice skates all I have is dumb red rubber boots that make farting noises when I walk in the kitchen!
Friday, January 14
Today it was so cold! We couldn't go outside to go sledding 'cause it was so cold! Weakie called off school because it was so cold! Also Charlie and Chickenloaf have colds! Charlie sneezes and sneezes we can hear him downstairs going Zip! Zip!
Saturday, January 15
Today in school we started to read a new history book! It is written by this Great Historian named B. Kliban! A long time ago there were ham trees! All cats were beefy! There's a picture of a beefy cat next to a ham tree! Gosh just imagine walking out into your back yard and picking fresh ham every single day! All Mom and Dad have are dumb fruit trees! The only ham we get around here is years and years old and is so stinky!
Weakie says those ham trees were called Hammus virginianus. They grew all over North America in the Olden Days but then they were all chopped down to make Pan flutes! There are no ham trees left anywhere! That is so sad!
Sunday, January 16
We all drew pictures of ham trees in art class today! Ben's drawing was the best! That's on account of he was a Great Artist in his Native Land! Those red things are hams!
Monday, January 17
It turns out Ben was a Great Photographer in his Native Land! Ben says he was a way better photographer than Dad! He says Dad is a DANK AMATEUR. Ben wants to take some pictures of me and make me famous! Even famouser than the Kutsey Kittens Kalendar will make me famous!
Tuesday, January 18
So anyways today Ben and I got out all of Dad's photography equipment and Ben set up the big tripod and put the camera on it and spit on his paw and wiped off the lens so that it would be Squeaky Clean and he unscrewed the filter thing and threw it away 'cause he says only DANK AMATEURS use filters and then he took this pitcher of me!
Claw to Unbearable Suburban Angst
Digital Photo on Computer Monitor
Tomorrow Ben and I will show everybody at school my pitcher in Show and Tell and everybody will be so impressed! Ben says they will probably give us something called a Standing Ovation! I said whats a Standing Ovation and Pia says there's one in Mom's half of the music studio downstairs where Charlie lives! So I guess it must be something like a litterbox!
Ben says after we get our Standing Ovation we can auction off the pitcher and maybe make zillions of dollars! He says he will ask Nini to call somebody called SO THE BEES. Ben says SO THE BEES has auctioned lots and lots of his pitchers over the past 40 years of his artistic career!
Wednesday, January 19
Ben and I showed everybody Ben's pitcher of me today in school and everybody got really silent for a long time except somebody farted!
Weakie said um that's very interesting Ben! Then everybody was silent some more!
Then Pia raised her paw and yelled from the back of the room what the hell is it anyways!
Ben said IT'S ART! and he stomped right out of the room!
Then Ernie the Hedgehog piped up! I see it! I see it! It portrays the essence of the existential, death-in-life routine of cat bed...litterbox...kibble! Oh God it is all so pointless, so futile! Then Ernie burst into tears!
Saturday, January 22
Yippee! Nini had that SO THE BEES guy auction off Ben's pitcher of me for $108,000,000! She says this spending money will prove useful and she put it all into Bungee Stocks for us! Now pretty soon I can buy a pair of white ice skates! Yippeeeee!
Sunday, January 23
Mom is a Musical Genious! Today she made up this song all about me!
Weighs nine-and-one-half pounds!
She's a slightly rotund kitty cat!
With a pink sniffly nose,
And pearly plearly toes!
And feet that go pitty pat!*
*Sung to the tune of "Amazing Grace"
Monday, January 24
Yessirree Mom sure is a Musical Genious! This morning she was singing this song!
Nini's in the litterbox
Nini's in the litterbox
Daddy's in the litterbox
Nini's got Daddy trained
Like a dog!*
*Sung to the tune of "Mammy's Little Baby Loves Shortnin' Bread"
Thursday, January 27
Last night Ben and I celebrated our sale at SO THE BEES by getting out the rubber hands and dragging them around! For old times' sake!
Then Ben had a INSPIRATION. He got out Dad's camera equipment and photographed the Rubber Hands!
Self Portrait With Rubber Hands
Digital Photograph on Computer Monitor
Friday, January 28
Chickenloaf told me this really really funny joke! What walks on four legs then on two legs then on three? A crab who is really really confused!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!