Sunday, October 1
Sigh.
Now that I have been at Summer Camp and I am so Worldly, everything is boring.
I am so bored!
Everybody is sitting around like lumps!
Except Mom! She is outside lugging buckets around and looking all blissed or something.
We hate that!!!
Wednesday, October 4
I am writing this in my PawPilot.
We are riding home on the school bus. There are these five little Gerbils in the front seat holding hands and they are singing It's a Small World.
These gerbils they are black with white paws. They are eating leftover potato chips from their lunch boxes. Their lunch boxes are red and black plaid and they have some rusty dents but not many.
Now I am hungry for some potato chips.
Also I am bored!
Also my new saddle shoes are pinchin' the hell out of my toes!
Thursday, October 5
I am on the school bus and it is jountsing like Mom's old clothes washer with the frightening pinch rollers and I am writing in my PawPilot with this little claw thing.
This little claw thing, it came with the PawPilot but I did not know it. It was in a small baggie.
I almost threw it away!
Ben is setting in the seat ahead of mine and the sunset is glowing through his ears. I can see all the squiggly red veins in his ears! Ben has bloodshot ears!!!
Ben is looking through his Current Events Reader and there is this pitcher of President Eisenhower he has a head like a light bulb.
Ben, he is pencilling all these marginalias in the margin like
post-Dadaist urban society unravelling in manner of old tube sock
and
where goeth the yams of yesteryear?
Also I can see the back of the schoolbus driver's head somebody has hung a pair of gym shorts on his antlers.
Friday, October 6
This bus, it jountses and jountses plus everybody's throwin' bread! The seat springs are jangling all around inside the seats!
It is no wonder that kids are always vomittting up hairballs on this bus.
Also there are these Rowdys, they are these Welsh Porkies way back in the back seat bouncing up and down like trampolines and everytime the bus jountses they yell Captain we are encountering turbulence!
Me, I am getting turbulence inside my abdominal system!!!
Monday, October 9
School today was One Large Yuck.
My new saddle shoes they are turning my toes into ground bratworst! Also somebody poured a whole thing of chocolate milk inside my lunchbox and it turned my sandwich into a forensic criminollogy specimen!
Also I have to make a display about the Flehman Response for the Science Fair and my partner is a small pig! That pig family they just moved here from some place called Idaho. I do not know where Idaho is I think it is basically a boring asteroid somewheres. I surmise they have no sun there in Idaho on account of this pig is very pink.
Also we got our yearbooks they used the wrong pitcher so I look like a roadkill!
Also I almost forgot. I tore my new half slip on the jungle bars there is a big hunk of purple lace still hangin' off a cottor key.
Tuesday, October 10
I am on the bus those gerbils they just got off at the trailer park. They live in a little pink trailer shaped sort of like an egg and you can see a exercise wheel and a water bottle hanging upsidedown on the wall through the smudgy loover windows.
I would not want to live in a trailer park I hear there are rats!
Pia, she is setting on the seat across from my seat with her legs stretched out on the seat so neither I nor nobody can sit there. She is a terrible a snob.
Pia, she is painting her toe nails and she just spilled a whole bottle of Neuter Me Neutral which is all the rage I guess and it's puddling like a meltdown in an Ovaltine Factory, and it reeks to High Heaven, and Chickenloaf she is bouncing and bouncing on the seat behind the school bus driver and Chickenloaf is wearing her new pink head phones and she is singing along with the head phones which means to the rest of the world she is singing all alone!
Chickenloaf, she is singing Build Me Up Buttercup.
Ben he is sleeping stretched out on the back seat like a dead cat or something. I have my nose pressed on the glass of the window I am looking out of the window when I am not writing in my PawPilot and everything is just so boring now that I know how to Swim.
Wednesday, October 11
We had a Halloween Party today at school and there's this Candy Corn Blizzard going on in the bus, and some kids are stringing toilet paper on the bus driver's antlers.
The bus driver he is smoking a cloven cigarette. That cloven cigarette smells just like Dad's pommanders.
Those gerbils in the front seat, today they are wearing matching plaid jumpers. You cannot tell them from their lunchboxes. They are swinging their legs and they are singing Octopus's Garden in almost supersonic voices which makes my ears shiver.
I have a little calendar on my PawPilot now I have scheduled all my kibble snacks and naps so I won't forget.
This bus has a name. It is THOMAS.
Thursday, October 12
I am at the Breakfast Table Ben is slurping his milk.
Last night I had a horrible dream that Thomas the School Bus was speedin' like crazy right straight through the woods!
It was carrreening between these big craggly trees with craggly twigs and all these woodland creatures were leapin' in all directions to get out of the way and the bus kept bangin' over rocks and logs and jountsing like crazy and my head kept whacking against the ceiling and leaving large dents!
There were all these orange guys in the woods! These orange guys were shooting at us!
The bus driver his antlers were snow white! He had sprayed his antlers all over with that sparkly white spray snow! There were little bells hangin' off his antlers! The bus driver, he yells Listen, kids! Every time a bell rings a deer goes down!
Then I wake up and I bang my head on the bunk bed over my head! Pia she dumps her glass of water on my head! That is why my head fur is in curlers right now.
Friday, October 13
Today at school we played Dodge Ball it is a Stupid Game.
Dodge Ball is this: The Gym Teacher he gets all Gung Ho. Like it is time for Kibble Snacks or something.
But no Kibble Snacks.
Next you line up and the Gym Teacher he picks the baldest looking terrier out of the lineup and that terrier, he throws this big rubbery ball the color of fresh venison liver at you.
You're supposed to run away from that ball.
Then you get whapped on the head with that ball! Your eyeglasses, if you wear eyeglasses, they end up looking like a car out of alignment!
Then you get to stand there and throw that liver ball and you're supposed to hit somebody with it but it's impossible!
That is Dodge Ball.
Monday, October 16w
Today I had to throw the liver ball and it busted through a window Purely By Accident and it knocked the big globe off the window sill and ruined the Continent of Africa once and for all.
Tuesday, October 17
I'm not so bored anymore!!!
That's on account of we now have the Catnip Channel on TV! We are allowed to watch the Catnip Channel 3 hours a day as long as the hours are not contagious. Plus we must do floor exercises in between so as to not get flabby!
Also we are not allowed to watch the Catnip Channel after 11:00 p.m. on account of the shows get Mature.
Wednesday, October 18
Last night we watched the Catnip Channel for 3 hours straight! Also we had popcorn!
There's this show called Elvis the Pine Siskin! It is so funny! It's about this little brown bird with a tiny head and bright yellow feet that lives in Miami in the winter and a small Pennsylvania town in the summer! He goes everywhere with this little backpack!
He has rollicking adventures!
Also we watched Mr. Ed! It is so funny it is about a talking horse! Ben he's been trying to get me to watch Mr. Ed for a long long time but I thought it would be so dumb! It's not dumb! Last night it was funny!
Also very moving!
Thursday, October 19
I want to stay up late some night and watch Euthanasia it comes on the Catnip Channel at 1:00 a.m. in the morning. It is this really funny show that we heard about. There are all these stand up comedians! They never sit down!
They make jokes about trips to the vet and stuff.
But Mom won't let us that show because it is Mature.
Friday, October 20
Today I made a model of the Flehman Response out of modeling clay but I have to make it all over again because I used some Forest Green clay which incidentally feels disgusting on my paws and Ms. Wysiwyg says who ever heard of a Forest Green Flehman Response.
Then everybody laughed!
Saturday, October 21
That small pig's name is Suzie. She wears nothing on her feet but these little black cloth shoes made out of old tarps or something. Everything makes her squeal.
She is afraid of mice.
Monday, October 23
Last night on the bus I had my nose pressed on the window glass and I was pretending I was on a Space Shuttle you can do that if you watch the stuff right along the road so it goes zooming by real fast and then the bus lerched to a stop and I saw some rats at that trailer park!
Those rats they were lounging around the swimming pool! One of those rats was so fat and he was smoking a cigar he was wearing tight lime green speedo swimming trunks that sort of bunched around his big thighs! He had a enormous abdomen!
Also that rat, he was wearing a lot of gold chains around his neck!
Tuesday, October 24
I am writing in my PawPilot on the bus again. The kids are throwing bran muffins they are like rocks.
I am looking for those rats!
There's a big rat at the pool he has a martini! Also a cigar! He is wearing silvery sunglasses that wrap around his head and make his ears stand up!
That big rat is wearing a gleeming white turtleneck and a beige sportcoat and there is a bulge in the pocket I bet it is a GUN!!!
That martini it has a little sausage in it!
Wednesday, October 25
Those gerbils on the bus they seem very happy.
Today they had red boes on their heads and the boe on the littlest one was come untied and was ripplin behind like a buncha pretty dragons or something and those gerbils they were skippin' hand-in-hand up to their little pink trailer with the smudgy loover windows and the rumply roof, and their Mom she was standin' all plump and shiny-furred on the cinderblock steps that were kinda cracked and a little mossy, and she had on a real pretty white dress with little garden tools printed all over it and her hands they were clasped and her nose was pink and she was beamin' all happy at her little gerbil children so maybe trailer parks are okay after all.
Thursday, October 26
Today Snooples and Chessie brought home some papers they did in kindergarden. The papers were these big gritty papers and they had these rabbits on one side of the paper and carrotts on the other side of the paper and they had to draw lines with crayons from the rabbits to the carrotts.
Chessie drew her lines perfectly! She did not even use a ruler!
Snooples drew her lines and then she calculated the mid-range tragectory for each carrot if it was tossed at an angle of 30 degrees at the speed of 5 miles an hour.
Then after Snooples and Chessie showed us their papers they sang Head Shoulders Knees and Toes!
Times sure have changed since I was a little kid!
Friday, October 27
Today during Dodge Ball that ball, it went up on the roof!
So no more Dodge Ball!!!
Sunday, October 29
We were al setting around playing Monopoly and Pia she had about six hundred hotels everywhere all over the Monopoly Town and Ben he was hiccuping because he swallwed the little metal shoe and then all the sudden Chickenloaf she blurted out, DAD NEVER CAME BACK FROM BEN'S NATIVE LAND!
Dad he has been gone for about eighty zillion months!
Tuesday, October 31
Today Mom took this big Orange Pumkin and carved in it a HIDEOUS CYCLOPSEAN EYE. I don't know why she bothers those skunks are still coming around.
