Thursday, June 1
Whew I never ever thought I would say this but I am glad The Month of May is over and done with and not around anymore and finished and the hell out of here!
I cannot believe I am saying this! Golly!
I mean it has been just a awful month!
It was a awful month on account of I was not able to write even one bitty word in my journal during the whole entire month of May from one end to the other even though May is my favorite month on account Victoria Day plus the weather it is really really nice and no more sweaters or galloshes! yay! and those fluffy peeonies in the garden what smell so good they look like big pink cabbages and Chickenloaf says that's were baby kittens come from and the lilacs they make Pia sneeze and she goes zeeeeeeeeeet! and that is so totally funny! and Charlie the Gourmay he eats steemed asparagus which is so weird and the chikmumps they run back and forth under the window and I could just watch them for hours they are so cute! and then nice Mr. Schmaltz the janitor he comes to our classroom on Victoria Day and he plays pokas on his accordion and he taps his foot and we get to dance like crazy and Pia she always slam dances which is so crude and then we do a Maypole and Ben he always gets accidentally tied to the pole by all the ribbens and there is the Big Rollerskating Party and Pia she is a showoff skatin' backwards all the time and then we sing Koom Baaa Yaaa and I love that song it makes me so sad and it is just a really really really fun month and I didn't get to write about it not even one little bitty word about anything not even one little thing not even Pia's new tattoo she got on her leg what says I CARLOS SANTANA or about that day Ben got his claw stuck in one of them weird greenish yellow tennis balls and he had to drag it around like Sissyphus all day long for about 46 hours until Mom got home and pulled his claw out of the tennis ball and Ben he fell down sobbing from all the stress an humilliation of draggin' that stoopid tennis ball alls over the place and it was pretty funny when you think about it actually, and I couldn't write about nothing on account of I had DIARREA.
Friday, June 2
But actually if you want to know the actual trooth that is actually a LIE!
I never did have DIARREA at all!
Not even one isolated incident!
The AWFUL TROOTH is that Mom was too busy alls during May with the weather so nice and all and the chickmumps scootin' and those big ole pink cabbages bloomin' and maybe some baby kittens inside them for all I know, and me, my writin' skills gettin' rustier and rustier like a clunky old WEED WHACKER and it's a wonder I don't have WRITER'S BLOB on account of not bein' able to write even one little bitty word alls on account of Mom was being a really self-absorped CAREERIST and her hair was gettin' frizzier and frizzier and she was too busy gettin' a new job and stuff and it was just so BORING and I guess she forgot about Clarity Begins at Home 'cause she was too Previously Occupied to help me push down that button shaped like a guinea pig turd on the damned computer!
I cannot get that dumb guinea pig turd button to go down and make the computer play the Whooshy La La music and the screen light up and the echidnas appear!
I just kept standin' and standin' by the computer. She didn't even notice!
I might as well been a stray with hideous warts or something!
Saturday, June 10
Anyways, Pia says she is gonna shave her legs. This oughta be good.
Sunday, June 11
Wednesday, June 7
Pia went and shaved her legs for real but only from the knees down! On account of Pia says that's really all you need to do for today's fashions!
Now Pia can experiment with hosery!
Friday, June 9
Pia is now experimenting with hosery! Weakie is appalled and Nini says Pia is Lacking Fashion Sense but I think it looks pretty good!
Sunday, June 11
Yippee! Mom says we can all go to Vacation Bible School or else we can go to Summer Camp! Mom says the choice is ours!
So we're all going to Summer Camp!
Monday, June 12
I am sooooo excited about Summer Camp! At Summer Camp we will get to go on Forced Marches through the Woods and we will get to visit some Shy Woodland Creatures and we can yell Hi there Shy Woodland Creatures! and we will get to incinerate Marshmellos and maybe even make Smoors with our Incinerated Marshmellos and we get to meet MOTHER NATURE!
Pia says NATURE is a MOTHER all right! You'll see!
That sounds pretty nice!
Saturday, June 17
I simply cannot wait to go to Summer Camp! If Summer Camp Time doesn't show up pretty soon I think I might faint and fall down and die or something!
Sunday, June 18
Ben is very excited about Summer Camp also as well! He is preparing by meditating and making these things called PRAYER WHEELS.
Monday, June 19
Monday, June 26
Today was the next-to-next-to-last day of school! We had this Huge Final Examination within in which we were supposed to remember every single little thing we learned all the whole year long! The test it was one hole page long and you were supposed to fill in these little dots one dot for each question no more!
I got so nervous! I broke my pencil three times and I had to sharpen it three times!
Ben he got nervous too and started yowling from the back of the room and Weakie she says Ben do you have to go to the bathroom and Ben he just keeps yowling until Pia she turned around and she yelled shut the hell up I'm trying to concentrate!
Chickenloaf she was sitting right acrost from me and she kept hummin' "Marzy Doats" all through the test and wagging one hind leg!
I tried and I tried to concentrate on my test but I kept seein' Chickenloaf's leg waggin' at the Edge of my Vision!
So I leaned over at Chickenloaf and I whispered cut it out Chickenloaf! Chickenloaf she says what? what? and Weakie she raps that metal pointer thing on her desk and she says KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR OWN TEST YOUNG LADY and I was terribly humiliated!
Chickenloaf she was filling in every single dot on the hole page!
So then on account of it was exceedingly stressful watchin' that leg wagging and wagging and those fuzzy gray toes comin' and goin' outa my Line of Vision every half-second I tried to scrootch around in my seat so's I couldn't see that leg wagging!
But then I could still hear "Marzy Doats" and it was totally off key and I could hear those pink corderoy pants of hers with the bumblebees all over them goin' zeep! zeep! on account of Chickenloaf kept waggin that leg!
Plus it was very uncomfortable sittin' sideways on account of those chair rivets plus Weakie was giving me very funny looks!
So I sat correctly once again and THERE WAS THAT LEG WAGGIN'!
I just about went nuts!
Hours and hours and hours went by!
Chickenloaf's leg it just kept waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin' and waggin'!
I think I was gettin' dizzy or something on account of those dots they started growing legs and paddling all over the place like some ants I found on the Ding Dong in my lunch box one time and I started guessing at questions I don't know like what is the capital of Altoona and how much does an Instigation weigh and what is the chemical formula for ham and I started thinkin' about how satisfying it would be to bite off Chickenloaf's leg and then all the sudden Weakie says TIME'S UP PLEASE PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN AND PASS YOUR TESTS FORWARD.
I wasn't finished plus my head was sore and I had this splitting and terrible headache and my head it was splitting something terrible plus "Marzy Doats" kept spinnin' and spinnin' around in my head and somehow it got confused up with Purple Haze and my eyeballs they were hangin' right outa my head!
Plus now Chickenloaf's leg waggin in those pink corderoy pants with the bumblebees all over them is BURNED INTO MY MEMORY FOREVER.
So anyways I guess I failed the 4th Grade and will have to repeat the 4th Grade along with those screeky Holstein calves what came to school midyear and what have the dirty knees.
Tuesday, June 27
Wednesday, June 28
We got our tests back today and I got a 97 %! That is the third highest score in the class! Pia she got a 100 % plus 4 bonus points for writing a long poem in iambic tetrameter about the Pythagorean Theorem but anyways she always gets a 100 % plus all the bonus points there is.
Chickenloaf she got a 100 % on account of her nice art work!!!
Also we finally got our term papers back after months and months and months and I got my term paper back on HOW ALL THE VIKINGS GOT KILLED SORT OF and I got a A+ + + + + and Weakie says now I haveta give a PRESENTATION at some damned conference!!!!!
Then we had a big Farewell Party with cake and ice cream with real frozen grassoppers for Ernie the Hedgehog on account of Ernie is a exchange student and he is going back to England! Almost all the girls in the class they gave Ernie photos of themselfs and also their mail addresses!
Friday, June 30
Anyways, I'm not sure I wanna go to summer camp. Chickenloaf says everybody what goes to Summer Camp has to bring their own Body Bag!!!