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gracie's world 2000


April 2000


"April is the cruelest month..."

~ T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land


Saturday, April 1
I am so bored!

It is Saturday morning and Mom is snipping up little pieces of paper with scissors and I hate scissors plus I can't get the TV romote thing to work so I can't even watch my cartoons and everybody else is sleeping and alls I can hear is those scissors snipping and it is driving me crazy and I am just so bored!

Everything is so boring! Life is so boring!

Being a house cat is so boring!


I guess I'll go skid around on the bed.


Sunday, April 2
Jeez alls I was doing was skidding around on the bed yesterday morning on account of I was so bored and then Mom came in and bellowed

GRACIE! ! ! ! !


It scared me half to death and I nearly had a heart attack and died and nearly ended up dead from a stroke or a seizure or something! Then Mom tossed me right out of the bedroom!

So now I can't even skid around on the bed and that's the only thing that was any fun these days in my boring life!


Monday, April 3
So anyways I was sitting around yesterday afternoon listening to Ben trying to converse with a bunch of sparrows in Spanish through the screen door he kept saying Hola? Hola? and they were cocking their heads and looking terribly perplexed and I was so bored!

I kept thinking about how bored I was! I couldn't stop thinking about how life is so boring! Especially Ben! Ben can be very boring at times!

I think I was just about to die of a sore head or something from being so bored!

Then Pia, she came tip toeing up behind me and smacked me on the ear and said Pssssst! Come here! I found something!


Wednesday, April 5
So anyways I was sitting around on Sunday and I was so bored! Then Pia, she comes sneakin' up and she says she found something really really cool!

Follow me! she says. So we go trottin' down the hall to Dad's bathroom that is so stinky and Pia says There! Up in the sink! Be real quiet!

So we jump up in the sink and Pia says Look! Down inside the drain! See it?

And I look down in the drain and I don't see anything and Pia she says Look closer!

So I scrooch over and I'm lookin' way down in the drain I don't see nothing and Pia TURNS ON THE WATER FAUCET FULL BLAST ALL OVER MY HEAD!!!

Then she goes dancin' down the hall screamin' and hootin' with laughter!!!!!!!!


Thursday, April 6
Chickenloaf and Ben and I all had a meeting after school today and we all agree that Pia is an ANIMAL.

On account of she can be so terribly rude!

For example yesterday she dumps some stuff from this little brown bottle all over in Ben's litterbox and now Ben's butt smells like Patchooooli!


Friday, April 7
Yippee today we had a SNOW DAY! That means no school whatsoever also you can lay down in the snow and wag your arms and legs and make Snow Bats!

Mom says how can you have a SNOW DAY when school is just down the hall in the dining room and we never leave the house and besides there isn't even any snow on the ground and the daffy dillys are blooming but Weakie says SNOW DAYS are an important part of every child's education!

I agree!


Sunday, April 9
Oh no not another boring Sunday! Everybody except Mom she keeps snippin' and snippin' with those godawful scissors lays around nappin' all day on Sunday like it's THE DAY OF THE BORING DEAD or something a lot like that! Like we're all a bunch of three-toed sloths! Dead ones!

Especially Ben!

Ben he is so boring!

Uh oh. Here comes Pia and she's giggling like crazy and I gotta run like hell!


Wednesday, April 12
Dad is packing to go to Ben's Native Land he is getting his grass skirt dry cleaned and pressed and mowed and dethatched and re-seeded and all that stuff what it is they do to grass skirts!

He is getting his bagpipes fluffed!


Wednesday, April 12
Dad is almost ready to travel to Ben's Native Land! He has bought some special socks from Eddie Bauer also a nice overnight bag and a toilet kit which had Free Hand Cream which he gave to Weakie which the Hand Cream is sort of very stinky!

Also Dad is getting his Viking Helmet fixed and polished and fixed and repaired! One of the big cow horns got a hewmung-- humumg -- a very large dent at the last Little Sandwiches Convention also a screw fell out of his head!

His helmet I mean.

But oh well! I have learned that in The Grand Skeem of Things that is not what really matters!


Wednesday, April 12
See in Ancient, Modern, and Middlin' Philosophy class we are learning about the Grand Skeem of Things. That means that everybody's little stuff what they think and eat and try to cover up with their paws and stuff is like this arrow, see.

Like say you have a very bad day and you do something that makes somebody really mad like skid all over the bed, see, and your Mom yells at you, and she is really mad and she grumbles and rips the bedspread off the bed and stomps down to the Fabric Washing Room in the scary basement just on account of you were skidding on the bed, and she says cats are disgusting and dopes, and Exotic Turtles would make better pets at least they don't skid around on the bed!

Like she would know.

Anyways and then say the day just gets worse on account of the Fabric Washer down in that room in the basement, it's full of Wet Fabric that's mostly Dad's bib overalls with the pokets full of wrenches what is being washed and the Fabric gets all stuffed into one side in a lump the size of a sofa and you can hear the Fabric Washer goin' Whang! Whang! down in the basement and it's really getting on your nerves!

But ACTUALLY what is happening is like this arrow that gets shot out of an old boe and goes to this target, see. The arrow it goes and goes!

But it never gets to the target! That's the really interesting thing!


Sunday, April 16
See the Arrow of Life it never really gets to the target or whatever!

That's on account of the distance between the arrow and the target always just gets chopped in half! Like a mouse that you bite and its innards come out! Only the arrow, it gets reeeeeeeeeally close to the target, but it just doesn't get there ever 'cause the arrow shooter guy must be a pretty bad shot or something when you think about it.

Anyways after while everybody's standin' around getting really bored waiting for the arrow shooting tournament to end!

Sort of like graduate school Charlie says but I wouldn't know.

Anyways that's what LIFE is like.


Monday, April 17
See, that arrow, see, that's called BEANO'S PARADOX.

Beano, he was this guy who liked to sit in bubble baths. On account of whenever he sat down in a bathtub which was twice a year it DISPLACED WATER. Also all his bathtub toys DISPLACED WATER. Especially the plastic shark what you could wind up and it would go zoooooooooooooom through the water with its jaws clapping! That shark, it DISPLACED WATER all over the place!

Water displacement is very important in the world of philosophy.


Tuesday, April 18
Today in Ancient, Modern, and Middlin' Philosophy class we talked about BEANO'S PARADOX some more, and Weakie showed us charts.

It is so fascinating!

See, a PARADOX, that's something that doesn't make any sense whatsoever and never will no matter how many graduate students write long and boring papers about it!

That's what Weakie says.

That's why it's important to discuss them!


Wednesday, April 19
Anyways I just keep thinkin' about that arrow goin' at that target and never ever gettin' there.

Kind of like when Chickenloaf is using the litterbox and she doesn't know it but her butt is hangin' out over the side and she ends up poopin' all over the floor and then she turns around to cover things up with her paws and there's no poop there and she gets all confused and then she sees poop all over the floor and she says hey how'd that poop get all over the floor? Just like that!

It has changed my life.


Thursday, April 20
I think I definitely will be a PHILOSOPHER when I grow up, and I will probably be the kind what wears eyeglasses but I haven't decided.

However definitely I will not be the kind what sits in bubble baths.


Friday, April 21
When I grow up and become an IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHER, I plan to outlaw scissors!


Saturday, April 22
So anyways, I just want to say that I never have bad days anymore. On account of that arrow.

Tuesday, April 25
Last night I had a awful dream about scissors! Dad was cuttin' hair blobs off my legs with scissors but then Dad turned into a big huge pair of scissors and started walkin' everywhere with these big long strides!

I yelled Mom! Mom! Mom! But then Mom showed up and she was nothin' but a big old pair of scissors also as well! They were snippin' everywheres and I yelled Help! Help! and I tried to run but my feet they were stuck in gloo and I was falling and falling and then I fell and landed right on my head!

Then I woke up!

Pia was smackin' me on the head!

Friday, April 28
It is so exciting!

Tomorrow Dad is takin' off for Ben's Native Land!

Ben is so excited he gave Dad a list of things to bring back!

olla podrida (in rubbermaid bin under basement steps)
loop of henle model (if not broken by cousin bingo-please check)
trampoline & pogo sticks
royal lipazzon stallion poop scoop (important!!!)
harmonicas (but not the broken ones)
monogrammed harry truman washcloth
golf clubs (the set in leather bag not naugahide one)
miss piggy lamp (for gracie)
mitrailleuse w/ cleaning kit
wax statue of rutting musk deer (last seen in potting shed)
filigreed screen doors w/ graven knobs
short-wave radio, headphones
ant farm (if still living--please shake to ascertain)
digiridu (for dad)
rochet embroidered with orphreys
framed cave paintings
hair rollers & curling iron (for pia)
plastic lambs for lawn
plastic deer family for lawn (should be 2 baby deer)
plastic ducks for lawn
plastic gnomes for lawn
plastic frosty the snowman for lawn
grapple hook & continental pitchfork set (for mom)
alembic w/ cucurbit
shooters' gong
vintage pewter bathtub toys (for c-loaf)
antique german scissors w/ crane's-head handles (for mom)
gazing ball w/ matching birdbath & plastic toadstools for lawn
set of interchangeable plastic birds for birdbath (make sure booby not missing)
rubber smew (if not dry-rotted; please check)
clavicord (handle w/ care; was Mozart's)
autographed Red Skelton photo (for weakie)
droshky w/ belled whippletree
golden calf (the large one stored above garage rafters--for nini)
Partridge Family record albums (cousin bingo has these)
antique farm machinery (in shed behind Mosque--key under brick)
fondue set w/ matching woody-the-woodpecker apron & chef's hat
bilander (under canvas tarp, back yard)
lite brite, parcheesi, spirograph, & easy-bake oven (for Gracie)
jigsaw puzzles in boxes (but not ones missing pieces-please check)
bassoon w/ spare reeds (for charlie)
gutta-percha (must have!!!)
freeze-dried carrier pigeon leg
paisley trunk hose & false calves (ivory ones, not wooden ones as give splinters)
lionel train set w/ little cows
cousin bingo (may need to stuff in cat carrier as hates to travel)
deleval milkers & strainer cottons
snag boat w/ jibs
fuzzy toys from when was kitten (look in attic behind gas spectrometer)
grandmother (if still living-if not, please do not bother her)
napier's bones

Saturday, April 29
Today Dad left for Ben's Native Land in a great big Yew-Haul the size of a big ole tractor trailer with a big painting of a cowboy riding a white horse and wearing a 50-gallon hat who is lariat-- lareat-- roping a calf on the side of the truck, and he is once again going to Ben's Native Land!

We all stood in the driveway wavin' our handkercheefs and Ben he played taps on a Harmonica and it was so weepy!

Dad he drove off down the lane grinding gears and he turned the corner and drove out of sight and all the time his grass skirt and his lace slip underneeth was shut in the door and draggin' along the road!

Sunday, April 30

I'm sittin' here listenin' to Ben scratchin' and scratchin' and scratchin' in the litterbox and Pia yellin' bup! bup! in her sleep and twitchin' her paws like she's bein' chased by a GOON and I'm thinkin' about ole Beano sittin' in his bathtub with his bathtub toys floatin' and bobbin' all around him and I'm thinkin' about that arrow again how it goes and goes and never gets nowhere, and everybody alls over the world is just waitin' for that arrow to go somewheres and it just doesn't go nowheres exactly like many of Dad's lectures!

It's just so sad!

next gracie's world...