Tuesday, Febuary 1,
Wow it is Febuary the month I always have to ask Weakie to spell for me and it is the month when all the PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES were born in log cabins and had weary but kind thoughtful mothers who gave them cornbread!
Also it is the month when we get VALENTINES !!! Yippee!!!
And also the month when we all start shedding!
Weakie says its February not Febuary.
Wednesday, February 2,
Tonight we watched Green Acres reruns and Mrs. Douglas talked to the chickens! It was so funny! All the rest of the night we pretended we were talking to chickens! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Thursday, February 3,
Tonight on Green Acres Mrs. Douglas threw some plates out the window! We all had a good laugh! Then we opened the window and threw some of Mom and Dad's plates out! It was so funny! I still can't stop laughing!
Friday, February 4
Help I have to write a worm paper! Weakie is making us write worm papers! I don't even know what a worm paper is Weakie is so demanding we have to write a worm paper that is two and a half pages long including pitchers and foot notes which are notes that you write with your own foot not someone else's foot! That's about a thousand billion words!
Saturday, February 5
Also I forgot the worst part we have to do RESEARCH! We asked what's research and Weakie says that's what professors everywhere pretend they are doing when they are really just showing off their cowskin elbows!
See professors everywhere walk around in suits made out of the fur of dead sheep and they have cowskin elbow patches and cowskin knee patches also booties with cowskin on the bottoms! Also they have dumb cat cartoons on their doors!
Professors are so weird!
Sunday, February 6
Pia says TERM paper not worm paper! How was I supposed to know? What is a term paper anyway?
Oh. Pia says it's a paper you write and sling big terms around.
Monday, February 7
I can't watch Green Acres tonight on account of I gotta start writing my Term Paper! Tonight's the episode where Mrs. Douglas cans a whole banana! I can't believe I'm gonna miss it! God this is awful I can't imagine what graduate students go through!
Tuesday, February 8
Help! I have writer's block!!!
It looks like I'm gonna miss another Green Acres and this is the one where Mrs. Douglas gives Mr. Ziffel the brand-new tractor and music comes out of the wheels and Mrs. Ziffel she gets all weepy on account of she thinks Mr. Ziffel and Mrs. Douglas are in madly in love and it is just so funny!
I had no idea writers suffered so!
Wednesday, February 9
Yay, I got a really really cool idea for my Term Paper and I got a really really good start on my Term Paper! Here's what I got so far:
What I did this Summer
by Grace de la Rue
Thursday, February 10
Weakie says I gotta rethink my Term Paper! She says that subject already has been written about! Jeez how was I supposed to know?
Friday, February 11
Today in school Weakie gave us a break! We all got to stop doing RESEARCH on our term papers and we all got out our scissors and crayons and glue and made VALENTINES! It was so fun for everybody especially little Ernie the Hedgehog on account of he has never gotten a VALENTINE in his whole life and all the girls in class are making VALENTINES for Ernie all except Pia who says he looks like a bundle of fondue forks!
Saturday, February 12
Woo-HOO! Dad is going to help me write my term paper! We are going to write about the HISTORY OF DENMARK!
Sunday, February 13
Pia was scratching around in her Uncommonly Good Crackers Box tonight and Mom said she has to stop scratching in her Uncommonly Good Crackers Box!
Pia says why and Mom says on account of it always excites Ben's bowels! Then we all got real quiet and we could hear Ben in the Litter Box Room digging like crazy! Pia says God this is so boring and she slumps down in her Uncommonly Good Crackers Box!
Anyways I gotta get started on writing about THE HISTORY OF DENMARK right away so I'm gonna skip watching Green Acres reruns again on account of I'm Very Disciplined.
Today we all gave each other some Valentines in class! Ernie the Hedgehog got 462 Valentines! I got this really really nice Valentine from Ben!
Tuesday, February 15
O Jeez it's already 7 at night and I gotta get to work on my Term Paper! I only have the title written!
But it is a really really good title!
THOSE DARNED DANES
Wednesday, February 16
Okay I got one whole paragraph of my Term Paper written. It is really really good! I'm gonna show Weakie tomorrow in our Rough Draft session.
Thursday, February 17
Today in our Rough Draft session Weakie said my paragraph was WEAK! She looked right at it and squeaked WEAK!
So now I gotta rewrite except I don't know what to rewrite 'cause to be honest her feedback was so terribly vague!
Pia says get used to it writers get vague feedback all the time. Pia says don't worry just sling big words around and Chickenloaf says use something called a Brontosaurus.
I don't have a Brontosaurus but Ernie says he will lend me his Brontosaurus.
Friday, February 18
I just wrote three whole paragraphs of my Term Paper which I am titling THOSE DARNED DANES but I don't think I'm on the right track on account of Pia's paper is titled The Seven Faces of Mary Magdalene as Counter-Christ in Victor Hugo's Portrayal of Cruciform Imagery in the Cloistered Convent. And Chickenloaf's paper is called Fire and Ice: Images of Proto-Eve and Ur-Femininity in Jane Austen's Treatment of Nature and Anti-Nature in her Early Bucolic Male-Female Encounters. And Ernie's is called Recent Breakthroughs in Carbon Dating of Stegasaurus Caprolytes and other Significant Palentological Specimens in the Lower Caves of the Colorado Basin. And Ben is doing his paper on The Lost Hokku of Basho: Syllabic Resonance Through the Centuries and Subsequent Effects on Pseudo-Eastern Musicality of Recent Vietnam Veterans' Poetics. And of course Nini is writing about her most recent Bungee Stock Theory and she already has one Nobel Prize in Economics so I'm sunk!
Saturday, February 19
I stayed up all night and I spent all last night and all day today writing a new title for my Term Paper and I finally got one I liked and I rewrote the first paragraph 86 times and then I threw everything away!
I will never be a Great Writer! Never ever!
I'm just gonna end up some wobbly old house cat that smells like pee and has a hideous cyst on one ear!
Sunday, February 20
Today is Mom's birthday she is 141 years old!
We all got up early and went out to the kitchen in our pajamas and made breakfast we opened a can of sardines packed in mustard sauce and garnished them with cilantro and jam on account of Mom likes cilantro and jam and then we poured tequila all over the sardines and set them on fire and it was a really great flambay and all four smoke alarms went off all over the house and Charlie served his newest breakfast beer!
Mom was so surprised!
Monday, February 21
I am still eatin' Mom's carrot sticks and dipping them in mayonnaise it is such a great diet I don't even realize I'm cutting back on my calories! I had a whole bowl of carrot sticks tonight and I poured mayonnaise all over them and we watched this really really funny cartoon! This cat was chasing a mouse all over the place! Then the mouse hit the cat with a frying pan! Then the mouse knocked a hot iron of an ironing board onto the cat's head! Then the mouse knocked over a whole stack of plates on top of the cat! Then the mouse stuck the cat's tail in a wall socket and the cat lit up and we just about died laughing! I laughed so hard I started snorting and couldn't stop!
Tuesday, February 22,
1999 2000 rats!
Today I ate a whole bag of carrot sticks and ate half a jar of mayonnaise! It was great 'cause I wasn't hungry at dinnertime and I skipped dinnertime! I got right to work on my Term Paper!
I have one whole paragraph done!
Wednesday, February 23
I have a bad problem. My Dad brought me home a new Mom. Well, she's not the problem. She's really neat, and I like to sit on her lap and help her with doing stuff, like making the bed or walking around the house. The problem is, she brought her stupid cat with her. He is this horrible gray thing that stinks, and when I sniff him it makes me sneeze, and he's always yowling for food.
Once he even wrote to you and pretended that he had to eat spider webs! It's not true! She feeds him all the time. He's disgusting and a big whiner. He steals my food whenever he can get away with it. This morning when he started yowling at an ungodly hour, I slapped him across the face to shut him up, but he still didn't stop!
How can such a wonderful Mom have such a horrible cat? Sincerely, Gizzy
* * *
Dear Gizzard, or whatever your name is,
I have some friends who can fix this problem for you once and for all. For the right price.
Thursday, February 24
Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhgggggghhhhhh! I got on the scales in gym class today and I have gained 9 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!
So then I stood in front of the mirror and I look like a winter squash!
I will never ever eat again ever!!!
Friday, February 25
I had Tic Tacs today! They are really good! These whitetail deer at school they steal Tic Tacs off the dashboards of people's automobiles then they divide them up into little baggies and they hang around at the corner of the school yard and they sell you tic tacs! Yum yum!
Saturday, February 26
I worked on my term paper until 4 in the morning last night and I drank lots of Dad's disgusting coffee and I got really sick and I threw up once and I got five whole paragraphs done! I had a MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH they are brilliant this will be the Greatest Term Paper ever written! I can't wait to read them aloud once again!
I was so sleepy I slept through all the cartoons this morning and then I got up and read those three paragraphs and they were awful they made no sense also they were all one big sentence with no
punct no punk no specks anywhere! I wadded them up and throwed them away I am exhausted and demoralized!
I think I will take a BREAK from writing my term paper today.
Sunday, February 27
Our Term Papers are due on Tuesday I had a awful dream last night I was readin' my Term Paper in front of the whole class and alls I had on was my pajamas and everybody was snickering and then my teeth fell right out of my head!
I'm thinking of running away from home I bet living in a feral colony is not so bad at least I would not have Weakie hovering all over me making me write Term Papers and stuff also Dad would not be stompin' around yelling and stuff also I would not have to listen to Pia making farting noises with her armpits no more!
Monday, February 28
Our Term Papers are due tomorrow and I do not have anything written not even anything at all! Not even a dumb title! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh!
Tuesday, February 29
HOW ALL THE VIKINGS GOT KILLED SORT OF
by Grace De LaRue
Pictures by Pia Clawsnlegs
Febuary 29, 2000
One time there were these Danes and they were called Vikings and they wore cow horns!
a scary Viking guy
The most famous Viking of all was called Bay Wolf on account of he could do the back stroke really really great also he never shaved his legs!
Bay Wolf got rid of a bad guy called Greenspam and Bay Wolf went to the IRS and he swam down past the receptionists to the bottom office and he killed the Head Of The Tax Collectors that had lots of heads!
Vikings were so scary they ate blubber and rocks that's all.
It was so scary when Vikings marched across the moors in their grass skirts blowing their bag pipes everybody called them the Bimbos From Hell and they said the sun never sitted on the Danish Flag.
Also, all Vikings had pet herrings.
Then there was this old guy and his name was Runkelstang and everybody said he was a direct
decent dissen kid of Jim Thorpe! I mean Thor! Thor was this grumpy god and he lived in the afterworld Walla Walla and his name meant Thunderous Wind.
Runklestang had 2 sons Tordenstang and Lokdestang. Nobody liked Lokdestang on account of he was big and stinky but Lokdestang invented deep fryers also special poems called Limericks also some special cheeses!*
One time this poor Viking fellah
Stumbled home with lipstick on his collar
Said is wife, "You can't fool me.
You stink of Patchouli.
Your next hot date will be in Valhallah."
Tordenstang was most wonderous he went all over the place in his boat also he was very successful in the stock market also he baked yummy foods!**
Tordenstang he went all over the place in his boat and he and his Viking buddies raved and tillaged and drank a lot of The Water of Life which they called Aquavite but really it was Rolling Rock Beer and they
went all over the place in his boat and they got all these places named after them for example Graceland.
On account of they drank so much Rolling Rock Beer the Vikings had 33 words for piddle. Modern Danes still know these words today!
By 1935 Danes ruled the whole world also everything else*** but they had weak bladders. When they were not raving and tillaging they sat around in their grass skirts in these big cafeterias in their castles arguing about whose cow horns were bigger and making up Limericks and swilling Rolling Rock Beer and eating tomatoes what they called Baboon's Butts and tossing their enemies into Lokdestang's deep fryer.
Later they would go sledding on their cafeteria trays.
It was a very happy time.
Then one fateful day Tordenstang accidentally put his pet herring Rocko on a loaf of bread and ate him!
Thus, little open-faced sandwiches were born.
Danes got so interested in making little open-faced sandwiches that they forgot about all the lands they conquered and the people of those lands got really really bored on account of the Danes weren't micromanaging them anymore and they set up their own nations and started oppressing each other and they formed glam rock bands and they invented these fantastic little automobiles called Aston-Martins!
Anyways That is how the Danish World Empire got all crumbled. On account of little open-faced sandwiches.
*For example a well known Danish cheese called Grandfather's Panties
**For example a special pastry called The Cook's Stinky Foot and a special sausage called The Sailor's Unmentionable
***Today's Vikings are known as Klingons and they are just as big and mean and stinky
O, Those Little Sandwiches: The Rise and Fall of the Danish Empire, Hans Broeg, 1959
Tycho Brahe's Astronomical Theory and the Weak Bladder Factor, Broeg, 1960
Danes, Danes Everywhere! Viktor Mottlefield, Hans Broeg, Sakki Broeg, and Borg Borg, 1993
Care of Your Danish Deep Fryer, 1994
101 Viking Limericks, Ren Hoek trans., 1992
3 Previously Lost Viking Limericks and their Questionable Origins, ibid., 1994
The Prose Edda: Tales from Norse Mythology, translated from Icelandic by Jean I. Young, 1954
"Whence Goeth the Vikings? An Analysis of the Ebb of Old-Time Danish Ways," Broeg, Broeg, and Mottlefield, World Analyisis and Pontification, vol II: 51, 1993
"Smorgasbord and the Bored World: The Fall of the Viking Stronghold and the Subsequent Birth of Glam Rock," Smilla Jergensen and Thor Lokdegammelfisk, World Analysis and Pontification, vol. I: 6, 1990
"What if Rocko Had Gotten Away?" Jergensen and Lokdegammelfiske, Klingon Quarterly, vol. III: 8, 1986
Snorri's Sense of Piddle, Torid Blomstahoel, 5th ed, 1992, 1998
33 Words for Piddle: The History of Rolling Rock Beer, Bjorn Skaldskaparmalgylfaginning, 1982
Wonderful, Wonderful Danish Cookery: 500 Danish Specialties that Americans Love to Eat, Ingeborg Dahl Jensen with introduction by Victor Borge, 1965
Larousse's Danish-Feline, Feline-Danish Dictionary, 5th ed., 1986
Beowulf, prose translation by David Wright, 1959
How to Care for Your Pet Herring, Ortho Pet Series, 1999
The Demise of the Danish Stronghold: How Little Sandwiches Brought a World Empire to its Knees, monograph, Edsel Tordenstang, 1999
"Bimbos From Hell: The Role of Bagpipes in the Danish Culture From Ancient to Modern Times," Bori, Blomstahoel, Mottlefield, and Pic, World Analysis and Pontification, vol. IV: 3, 1993