Saturday, July 1
I just want to make it clear to everybody once and for all that I am definitely not going to Summer Camp!
On account of Chickenloaf says everybody that goes to Summer Camp has to bring their own back boards!
Which means they snap you right in half! I am not kidding!
Sunday, July 2
Chickenloaf says we also have to bring pup tents! With steaks! Obviously the steaks are for the pups! Who cares about pups I wanted to yell at woodland creatures! Not pups!
Definitely not pups!
Monday, July 3
Summer Camp sucks I am not going! I would rather stay home and maybe take up cross stitch or something! Maybe make a doily.
Tuesday, July 4
Well here it is the Forth of July which is roughly the equivalent of Bastille Day and it is such a cool day with carnivals and rodeos and fireworks but NO FIREWORKS FOR US.
On account of Ben was bad. During breakfast he kept sitting on Nini's head!
See on any given day some cat, she will be minding her own business eatin' out of the cat dish or leafing through the very latest issue of Human Fancy magazine with all those terribly cute pitchers of humans sitting upright holding cookies and playin' with their toys and stuff, and Ben, he will walk right up to that poor cat and turn around and the next thing blam he is sittin' on that poor cat's head!
That poor cat she can't breathe or anything on account of she has 7 pounds of Orange Tabby on top of her head and her nose is buried in the cat food or the magazine or whatever and it's impossible to get Ben the hell off your head!
Weakie she calls this Tom Foolery but I know better it is Head Sitting!
Anyways Ben kept sittin' on Nini's head all during breakfast and Nini, she kept squealing and fussing! Then he sat on Pia's head! Then he sat on Chickenloaf's head! Everybody was squealing and fussing except me I was just trying to enjoy my breakfast!
Next thing I know Mom, she's yellin' at us in these big magenta block letters!
ONE MORE HEAD SITTING BEN AND NO FIREWORKS FOR THE LOT OF YOU TONIGHT .
So Ben what does he do? He goes and sits on Weakie's head!
I couldn't believe it!
Wednesday, July 5
Last night I was layin' in bed at night in my new pajamas with the strawberrys all over them and the Peeter Pan collar and the shiny pink ribbon that ties in a boe at the throat and the matching socks also with strawberrys and they are such nice comfy pajamas! But still I was not happy!
That's on account of NO FIREWORKS.
Plus Chickenloaf was snoring!
I could hear those fireworks goin' off boom! splat! over at the fair grounds and Chickenloaf snoring wheee! wheee! and Ben laughin' and snortin' at "Mr. Ed" on the TV downstairs which is so ridiculous whoever heard of a talking horse!
So I put my feather pillow over my head but it was no use it was so terribly tragic!
Then Pia she came in wearin' that ratty old long draggly black night shirt with Stevie Ray Vaughan with his big buckly black hat and him playin' his Stradivarious on the front which that shirt Pia she absolutely never launders on account of she says that would wash the Good Luck out of it, and she was carryin' Dad's wrecking bar!
Also a bottle of beer!
Pia she pried open the window and chipped the window sill all to heck on account of she is Very Muscular and me and Pia and Chickenloaf we crawled out on the roof and watched the fireworks and drank one of Dad's Bad Goat Beers and we got all jokey and hiccupy and it was so fun! Those fireworks they were so beautiful way up there over the trees endangering the owls!
Plus nobody was accidentally stepping on our tails like what always happens when we go sit on blankets.
It was the high point of my very own life!!
Except for which I ripped my pajama knees on the roofing crumbles.
But then all the sudden Dad he comes bursting in the cat sleeping room and he yells OKAY KIDS! YOU'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH! LET'S ALL GO TO SEE THE FIREWORKS! YIPPEE!!!
But of course not a single one of us was there! And the window it was wide open and the curtins blowin' in and it was like those movies about runaway pets!
We tried to get real quiet on the roof! But Chickenloaf she had the hiccups! Plus she couldn't stop giggling into her paw!
So then Dad he yells OKAY KIDS! GIG'S UP! And he pulls us back into the house and we have to go to bed and that's the end of that story!
Pia she left the wreckin' bar up on the roof but who cares.
Thursday, July 6
None of us are speaking to Ben we are Stunning him and Snuffing him and Castrating him Out! On account of he went around sitting on everybody's heads and starting this whole fracas!
He doesn't seem to notice!
He has this new little aeroplane that runs on rubber bands. He just keeps hummin' "Blue Skies" and windin' up that little aeroplane and that little aeroplane it goes zeepin' around the house until its rubber band runs out or its engine siezes or whatever and it executes a Controlled Flight Into Terrain!
Mom says Ben is so good playing by himself.
But Ben is boring!
Friday, July 7
Chickenloaf she is packing her supplies for Summer Camp! So far she has packed four claw hammers and some pop beads! Also this weird thing!
She has this bag with two straps and you carry it on your back and it is the color of GRAPE GUMBALLS and it has these shiny plastic bumblebees all over it and zippers everywhere and Vel Crow that sounds like Claws on Fine Furniture and she carries that bag everywhere and she keeps playin' with that Vel Crow during suppertime Zeep Zeep and it's driving us all crazy!
Monday July 10
Ben he is packing for summer camp! He has this long brown bag that looks like a hot dog which he calls his Duffer Bag and he has his last name CARHARTT emboidered on it and he has a little jacket that matches his bag exactly and he has his last name CARHARTT emboidered on it also as well!
Ben he says that this was his military gear in several wars including The War of the Mangoes during which he protected the sanctity of his Native Land!
Ben says it is time that his military gear be used for peace! Weakie she says this is a fine example of beating sords into plow shares!
I do not get the connection.
Here is what Ben has packed so far
1 very small accoustic guitar (real gut strings!)
1 John Denver songbook
Wednesday, July 11
Oh no Chickenlaof says that everybody that goes to Summer Camp has to bring their own medical kit!
What the hell do they do to kids at camp, anyways???
Thursday, July 12
Chickenloaf she is still very carefully packing things today she packed this piece of corn.
Saturday, July 14
I refuse to go anywheres whereas I need a medical kit!
I mean I might as well go off and fight in The War of the Dingoes or whatever!
Sunday, July 15
Last night I dreamed about pups at Summer Camp!
There were dozens and dozens of these spotty pups and they were all covered with spots even their NOSE PADS they are also spotted and they are called DAMNATIONS.
These pups they are bouncing down this narrow little hiking trail and piddlin' on the nice wildflowers and they are bouncing and bouncing everywheres and they surround us and they have Bad Puppy Breath and they are piddling and bouncing!
Then this big huge brass band comes marchin' and boomin' around the bend!
This band it is marching right down the trail and tramplin' the nice wildflowers and the cymbals they were crashin' and the tooba it is going bloop something awful and I tried to scramble out of the way!
But I couldn't scramble out of the way! On account of those spotty pups! Those pups they were bouncin' and piddlin' all over the place! All the time that band it was playin' this meddly of "The Stars and Stripes Forever" and "Marzy Doats" plus "Purple Haze"! The entire drum section it was bangin' medical kits with clawhammers!
Ben he was standin' in the midst of it all with his paw over his heart sayin' the Plegalligance!
Then all the sudden I wake up!
There's Chickenloaf sittin' on the edge of the bed hummin' "Marzy Doats" to herself real quiet and happy and zeepin' that damned Vel Crow!
Monday, July 16
Pia she is packing for Summer Camp and she has one of those black leather suitcases with the wheels and a pull-out handle like what you go sprinting across airports with looking terribly Anxious and Global and Important!
Pia she says this suitcase is TRES COOL and it makes you look TRES IMPORTANT when you are sprinting across airports yelling stop that plane! and important things like that!
Pia she says TRES THIS and TRES THAT these days on account of she is hanging around with this calf named Baguette who claims that she is Canadian. But she doesn't look Canadian to me! She looks Brown Swiss!
Dad he wants to know where Pia got a $697 Gootchy suitcase!
Here is what Pia is packing so far
shiny new gold colored portable musical CD player with those nice stereo ear cups for cats which I really really want one but don't have
every one of Jane's Addiction albums also Dave Matthews also Ani Dee-franko also Pearl Jam even the bootleg ones that are brown
big bottle of alcohol plus cotton balls for her pearced ear which she is getting pearced on Saturday in honor of Carlos Santana
new acid green bikeeni
lots of red t-shirts and chopped off blue jean pants that when you chop them off and make them raggedy they become shorts that she says is very Retero
chicklets (where'd she get those?)
new red Angora sweater that is made out of rabbits even though Mom says it will end up full of prickly seeds
Tuesday, July 18
Weakie says mess kit not medical kit.
But that sounds even worse!
That means it is a kit that is for making us a mess! Or maybe it's for after we're a mess and beyond the help of medical kits!
Wednesday, July 19
Weakie she is packing for camp on account of she is going to be one of the Den Mothers and she showed me a mess kit!
It's a bunch of metal eating things!
Weakie she has this nice old suitcase what is all brown with brown stripes and is roughly the size of Australia. It has a little teeny brass key what fits into a lock and that key is so cute I wish I had one.
You open up that suitcase and it smells like old mice in a attic in a old house but in a nice way and it has this shiny cloth inside and these leather straps that keep your comb and brush and underwear and stuff from flying all around!
Also it has somebody's name on it right near the handle and the name is GEORGE BAILEY!
Here is what Weakie is packing so far:
bandaids and Tylenol and Ace Bandages and iodine which incidentally has a SKULL on the bottle, which worries me
extra mess kits
Chickenloaf's insulin and syringes and pee sticks
extra warm socks and underwear for everybody even kids we may not know
calamine lotion whatever that is
toilet paper just in case
a map and compass and a little tool kit that has a cute little axe and saw! I really like that little axe it is so cute even though Pia says it is for scalping!
guides to wild stuff runnin' around the woods for example BOTANY.
Thursday, July 20
It is Thursday and I am feeling grumpy because Summer Camp it is a ripoff.
But anyways I refuse to go!
Not Pia though she is not grumpy at all. Today is Carlos Santana's birthday and Pia she is celebrating by speaking HISPANIC all day plus she is getting her ear pierced!
Also her nails painted!
Saturday, July 29
That's it I am never going to Summer Camp not ever in a skillion years and that is the final end! On account of Chickenloaf says we have to bring WIND BREAKERS!!!!
No way I can't stand to be around WIND BREAKERS!
Sunday, July 30
Chickenloaf she is about done packing for Summer Camp! Today she packed this thing
Monday, July 31
Last night we watched this movie about this guy who was so ugly plus he wore this goony hockey-guy mask and he chased these kids around the woods with a chainsaw and he chopped them into little meat morsels!
Plus he was so ugly!
I didn't sleep a wink after that!
I won't go to Summer Camp! I refuse to be chopped into meat morsels!