Plan to deep fry caribou for the occasion and stuff the body cavity with 244 quail. Also will garnish layer cake with bits of fatback and picadilly, as Congressman Waxpig is overly fond of fatback and picadilly.
March 4, 1861
Mended trouser seats of All Feline Regimen with last of antimacassars today. Trouser seats inexplicably bare after only three weeks since last mending.
Whatever do they do with their trouser seats? It is a wonderment.
March 6, 1861
Have provided each member of Regimen with Little Lady Harmonicas for the long march south.
Such brave boys!
March 8, 1861
Tea at the County Seat today. Mrs. Piles baked lovely beefcake.
Congressman Waxpig arrived at Tea with the usual contingent of Joists: pale, thin-wristed Chihuahuas trailing in the Congressman's wake, squaring off stacks of papers, and rushing to light the Congressman's cigars.
Difficult to fathom that someday they will all be Lawyers.
March 10, 1861
Mended trouser seats for All-Cat Regimen once again. This time used doilies donated by Doily Guild. Is festive sight: Our Brave Boys marching down the Dusty Road to Victory! muskets slung over shoulders! tails held high! Finest of all, colorful and lacy doilies blossoming upon each posterior!
Must mention this to Walter Whitman for use in his verses.
Ms. Van Lips is playing MARCHING TO OUR DOOM. It is an old Civil War song.
Now Ms. Van Lips is playing MARCHING BACK FROM OUR DOOM.
Snooples has a little porcelain pot of Smiling Mink Cheese. Snooples is spreading that cheese on toasted oyster crackers. Snooples is using a tiny knife with a plastic turkey head for a handle.
Chessie appears to have emptied her lunch box this morning before leaving for school. The contents have been replaced with 3 dozen or so little plastic dogs.
I had no idea Chessie had that many plastic dogs.
Chessie is playing with those plastic dogs. Ruff! Ruff! Chessie is barking. Chessie is making those dogs hop across the table at other peoples lunches.
What the hell kind of dog is that. Oh it is a Lassa Oopsa.
CHESSIE WHAT WILL YOU EAT IN THE MANNER OF FOOD.
That is what I ask Chessie. It is a reasonable question.
Nothing reprehensible nor histrionic!
It is no use.
Snooples is laying oyster crackers spread with Smiling Mink Cheese in front of each plastic dog.
Yellow Journalism Class. Assignment is to write a feature on somebody who claims to have invented fire. Chessie is interviewing Bill Gates.
However I know for a fact that Nini invented fire a while ago.
Am trying to locate evidence in Ninis diary of which there are 96,000 volumes dating back to Pleistocene period. Nini keeps them in a turtle chest up in the attic amongst the corsets. Nini does not know that I am perusing them.
In attic late at night with sputtering whale-fat candle which throws hideous dancing shadows all over the cobwebbed walls. Will bring Maglite next time.
Reading Ninis diary from Babylonian era. Which is pretty interesting, as Nini had dogs for slaves. For a while anyway.
Lunch Room. Some kid just barfed up a ocean of spaghetti sauce with unchewed peach quarters. The peach quarters are floating around in the picturesque manner of little boats.
March, 12, 1866
Read poems 'Love, Lackadasy, and Languishment' and 'The Turkey Farter' at poetry circle this evening. Gave Walter Whitman various useful tips on improving imagery for his latest work, 'Leaves of Absence.' Also suggested a snappy new title.
March 13, 1960
Perfected design of fascinating new hand tool. Efficiently serves as beautification aid as well as terrifying weapon. Experimented on Fido. Fido is now quite glamorous.
Will call new invention Eyelash Curler. Destined to be highly popular with dogs everywhere.
March 10, 1701
Invented clam dip today. Comestible enjoyed much popularity at the Inaugural Ball.
However Sputnik became noticeably inebriated and bothered everyone with deer hunting jokes, and so evening did not achieve perfection.
March 10, 2003
I thought you might be interested to know that Snooples is now a Vomit Scout.
This is quite an honor.
There are 3 Vomit Scouts one for each hallway and classroom plus 3 on the playground on account of the swings and 12 at all times in the lunch room.
Those Vomit Scouts, they wear pink rubber hats and pink rubber gloves and pink rubber booties with special nonskid treads on the bottoms. When some kid vomits, the Vomit Scouts are FIRST ON THE SCENE.
Ben was a Vomit Scout for one week. However the pink rubber hat and pink rubber gloves and pink rubber booties clashed horribly with Ben's fur and actually made kids vomit. Which kind of runs counter to the Mission of the Vomit Scouts when you think about it.
Those capybaras from Columbia, they were making fun of Snooples today. They were singing this song
Pile-o de puko!
Then here comes Snooples!
Pile-o de puko!
Ack ack ack ack ack!
Pile-o de puko!
Then here comes Snooples!
Pile-o de puko!
Ack ack ack ack ack!
Nini is retching and hacking terrible!
She produces a giant hairball!
It's Snooples the Vomit Queen!
She's always First On The Scene!
And there's no pile o puke
That intimidates Snooples!
Ms. Van Lips is hammering on that damned piano again. The kindergartners are holding paws and singing HERE WE GO A-SLAYING THE MEAT SHEEP. Every single one of them is so damned out of tune that it is difficult to tell precisely who exactly is slaying what.
Uh oh. Some kid just barfed up Campbell's Alphabet Soup. Here come the Vomit Scouts on their red scooters!
Was still in the can so cleanup was easy.
Big fracas. Dad raging everywheres.
What occurred was Ben pulled a bottle of hydrogen peroxide out of the medicine cabinet. Plus a bottle of Pepto Bismol. Plus a bottle of Turkey Wonder. The bottles bursted all over the floor.
Ben was looking for Tums.
So the bathroom floor was covered one inch deep with bubblegum pink Turkey flavored foam. Snooples and Chessie were taking running leaps and sliding across the floor in the Turkey Flavored Foam.
Ms. Van Lips and the Kindergartners are singing OLE TOM SPRADDLE GOT A MUSKET UP HIS BUTT.
Personally I would prefer they did not include piano singing as part of the Lunch Room Ambiance. Or at least maybe they could hire somebody with a decent piano that knows good songs, for example Tom Waits.
OLE TOM SPRADDLE just ground to a halt on account of some kid barfed up an entire salmon.
Ms. Van Lips is banging out THE HAPPY WANDERER on the upright piano. The kindergartners are standing very stiffly with their little round collars and all, and they are holding paws and swinging paws and singing THE HAPPY WANDERER in high squeaky voices. The song is not even that hard yet they are fucking it up just the same.
Ben is accompanying the whole mess on his accordion. Ben is wearing a strange green hat which appears to be a moldy birthday cake or possibly a turd.
Now they've done it. Chessie and Snooples have rejected their sandwitches. They are jumping on the chairs. They are Unsanitary!
Now Pia has started something. She has a whole table of Blue Tick Hounds making loud armpit farting noises in accompaniment to every beat of THE HAPPY WANDERER.
Maybe I could get permission to eat lunch at a nearby Cafe.
Yellow Journalism Class. We are learning how to use colorful language. Miss Burninghams, just asked us to come up with words which sound like what they mean. Such as snivel and hack.
I don't get it.
Somebody just shouted that out from the back of the class.
That was Pia.
Chessie contributed that one, which is dumb. Ha ha ha antelope! Everybody is laughing at Chessie.
NOW NOW MISS CHESSINA. That is Miss Burninghams. ANTELOPE DOES NOT SOUND LIKE WHAT AN ANTELOPE IS.
Yes it does! Yes it does! Yes it does! Yes it does! Yes it does!
AND HOW IS IT THAT YOU CONCLUDE SUCH A THING.
Chessie is galloping in those clattery patent leather shoes all around the classroom. Chessie has a crayon tucked next to each ear like horns and is chanting Antelope! Antelope! Antelope! Antelope! Everybody is clapping and hooting and yelling YO ANTELOPE! and Bucky Lawless and Bing Hampton the two white tail deer are yelling YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWW!
It is mayhem.
However, Chessie has a point you have to admit.
It is most charming news that Snooples is a Vomit Scout! I am certain that your family is terribly proud of Little Snooples.
You must have many poisonings and plagues to make such Scouts necessary! I find this most intriguing. As I plan to study to become a Large Animal Veterinarian, I will make a point of examining the patterns of epidemiology and substance abuse in your Native Land. Perhaps someday due to my contributions to medical science, Vomit Scouts will no longer be necessary! No offense to Snooples, of course.
Here, we consume mostly roughage and tobacco, which we grow ourselves. Plus our lovely cheeses, of course. And so, vomiting is not an issue.
The sun is rising now, and I must go cultivate the young pumpkins. I can see Old Auntie already lumbering down to the fields in front of the water cart. And so, until next time...
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
Snooples had to go to bed early tonight as is worn out from working as a Vomit Scout.
Seems that a lot of kids vomit everywhers at school. They do this regularly. I never actually considered this.
March 29, 1200 A.D.
Invented hosiery today, which is to say, Leotards.
'Twill clad gallent men for millenium to come, I am certain!
Volume 8,886 of Ninis diaries. Am working backwards.
Cannot find fire entry. If I do not find evidence to the fact that Nini invented fire pretty soon, the piece will leave authority.
Ah, here it is.
March 29, 200,000,000 B.C.
Invented fire today. Locals very impressed. Now can start on Deep Auroch Fryer.
Looking forward to having own cooking show!
Just Before Supper Time.
Snooples and Chessie are hopping all over the carpet with their Leotards pulled over their ears. They are pretending they are some type of rabbit.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE MIND THE SOUP. YOU ARE SLOSHING THE SOUP.
Stand off!! We are Fearsome Rabbits!
Snooples leotards are blasted out at the knees again. Leotards are dumb you buy them the knees blast out. That's the end of that story.
What idiot invented Leotards I would like to know.