November 1, 2003
Hearty Greetings Gracie De La Rue!
I am writing to thank you ever so much for the Henry The Fourth ticket which I was unable to use but nevertheless has been decorated with thumbtacks and placed above our doorway for good luck. This was Younger Brother's idea. Younger Brother once heard a recording of Hank Williams Sr. It is true!
We have hounds here as well but not of the musical variety. They keep the jerboa population down around the huts.
And now I am curious to know what crops your family has grown this past season. Our millet grew very fine. We have sold it to the north. And so we shall have a new cook pot and yarn to weave blankets for the coming winter!
Also, I have obtained a nice thick writing tablet which I purchased with my own nut money.
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
November 5, 2003
Greetings Gracie De La Rue!
Please write more about the city that you mentioned in your most recent letter. It sounds like a city of miracles, and I might have suspected that you were making it up except Gracie Never Lies.
It is the one you call Value City. Is it really possible to purchase silk trousers for nine American dollars there? Is this true? Here, one would need to trade 12 milking goats, 12 meating goats, and a large wheel of emu-cheese for a three-centimetre square of the silken fabric.
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
November 7, 2003
I don't know about any crops but Dad grew this one tomato plant.
It had little bitty tomatoes. They were kind of cute. But then these green caterpillers the size of horse trailers moved in.
Overnight those caterpillers chewed up the entire plant and pooped it out all over the place.
November 9, 2003
There is a exchange student at school he looks like a egret but he is a Goat Sucker. Perhaps you can tell me what a Goat Sucker is exactly. I do not have a clue. However it sounds illegal. In the southern states at the very least.
November 11, 2003
I thought you might want to know that everybody is out clothes shopping in Altoona except me. On account of I must vacuum the downstairs carpet. On account of I dropped a whole can of smokeless powder everywhere all over the carpet. This was during an experiment for Quantum Mechanics class.
I do not know what the fuss is about. Smokeless powder is very clean.
Anyways, this sucks as the vacuum cleaner is 48 years old and sucks. I mean it does not suck. You know what I mean.
Speaking of which do not forget to write back and explain Goat Suckers.
There are all these deers in school these days. They are moving in from New York State. There's Biffy, Bambi, Fender-Bender, Needle Nose, Buckshot, Thorn-In-The-Hindquarters, plus lots of other deers.
Those deers, they are okay, but they take up a lot of space. Their legs stick out everywhere in the classroom. You have to step over the legs.
Plus they like to swing on the little kids swingsets and slide down the little kids slide and now the little kids will not play on the playground equipment. The little kids, they huddle at one end of the playground and suck their mittens. They are frequently pale and goggle-eyed.
All these deers moving in, it has something to do with population control and herd thinning and whatnot. Plus the musical opportunities here at this school.
Having skittled veal cops plus Romaine lettuce for supper.
Chessies supper plate is flanked all around by an imposing rank of small plastic dogs. Chessie says this is a Necessary Security Precaution.
Chessie is dipping each leaf of Romaine Lettuce into her glass of chocolate milk before eating each lettuce leaf.
Chessie does not trust Romaine Lettuce. Each leaf must be purified with Chocolate milk in this manner.
I have given up attempting to advise Chessie.
For example when I was baby sitting Chessie and Snooples three days ago Chessie was out there rollerskating on the barn roof. I was very concerned that the lightning rods would become damaged.
But would Chessie stop rollerskating on the roof of the barn? No, Chessie would not stop rollerskating on the roof of the barn.
Anyways, it is snowing. So no Whiffle the Mouse practice this afternoon I guess.
Am watching the clientele coming and going from The Blind Staggers using Moms astronomical telescope here in the comfort of the library.
The Blind Staggers, it is heaped up with snow. One of the weasels is out there wearing a blaze orange stocking hat and pushing a blow dryer back and forth in the parking lot which is blowing the snow over the roof of The Blind Staggers.
That blow dryer, that is Pia's blow dryer.
There is a new sign on the door:
WELCOME DEER HUNTERS BRING THEM GUNS OF YOURS
Also The Blind Staggers is festooned with Thanksgiving decorations. There is a large plastic turkey bobbing on the ridge pole.
The pest control guys are supposed to show up three days from now and get rid of the varmints populating the yard. I wonder what will happen to The Blind Staggers. It is a good bar.
Weakie is lecturing on how naughahide is manufactured.
I am watching the Marching Antlers practicing in the school parking lot. The antlers are moving back and forth in the windows and each antler has a red Christmas ball on the end.
They are practicing the theme to The Godfather. They sound pretty good.
One day until the Pest Control Guys come, so I guess soon no more cowboy bar underneath the Spiarea bushes.
Dad says he is looking forward to getting the windows to his truck back again, as the weather is getting brisk.
However the ownership and clientele of The Blind Staggers appear to be oblivious to this Impending Doom. Every booth and bar stool appears to be occupied, and they are singing some inebriated song and waving their beer mugs in a most jovial manner.
Also there are some new signs on the door:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM EVERYBODY HERE AT THE BLIND STAGGERS!
YOU SKUNKS YOU STAY OUT! WE MEAN IT!
"Well, here's your varmint problem."
The Pest Control Guy is holding up the corpse of one emaciated field mouse. Its eyes are pinched shut. It is clutching a beech nut.
The weasels have put up all their Christmas decorations all over The Blind Staggers. This includes 136 yards of multicolored flashing lights plus an enormous inflatable Mr. and Mrs. Snowman set. Mr. and Mrs. Snowman used to be in the shop teacher's front yard.
Also there is a manger scene but all the characters are wearing cowboy hats and are carrying lariats and are smoking cigarettes.
Am setting on the back portch bundled up in three coats and Dad's nipple-shaped stocking hat. Am watching the activities at The Blind Staggers, using a large magnifying glass which was discovered in Nini's trunk up in the attic.
Here come Barley Tooney and Frankie Tooney and Looney Tooney weaving out of the Blind Staggers. They are wearing heavy woolen frock coats and black top hats. Frankie and Looney are wearing red plaid woolen scarves bundled around their necks. They have bright red mittens on and their noses are fire engine red.
Bless me! It's the wee skunk-colored mouser, it is.
BARLEY TOONEY WHERE IS YOUR MUFFLER. YOU WILL CATCH YOUR DEATH.
Ah, no. The spirit o' the season warms to no end. That it does.
Each skunk is carrying a holly wreath tied up with red ribbons. They are singing O' BE JOYFUL LITTLE NIPPERS.
They are weaving all over the place and they keep falling down and leaving skunk imprints dotted with holly berries in the snow.
All in all, it is most festive.