snooples new years resolutions:
DO OR DIE!
learn to make some popovers
watch out for them Big Boots everywheres before they stomple the foots!
start training right away to be First Cat on Mars
chessies new years resolutions
never do not squattle and pittle in ninis herb beds! never!
learn to play the Tremulous Flute
January 1
Cowboy bar under the spiareas is closed this week. So no entertainment on that side of the house.
That cowboy bar is closed on account of a small explosion which occurred there during the New Years Eve celebration.
It seems that Ben fired Dads double-barreled shotgun in jubilation. This blew 2/3 of the roof over into the woods.
All the plastic reindeers which were on the roof ended up scattered all over the road. One got runned over by the Milk Truck. It is now rubble.
Also one is missing its head.
January 3
Big cleanup crew with shop vacs at cowboy bar under spirea bushes. Much damage from New Years Eve celebration.
One of the badgers is running a heavy orange extension cord from the house over to the cowboy bar. That badger is removing damaged parts of the roof using Dads circular saw.
All the figures in the large plastic manger scene in the parking lot look disheveled and disgruntled. One of the manger scene goats is upside down in the snow with only its legs visible.
However, Mr. and Mrs. Styrofoam Snowman got it worst as they melted to blobs.
January 5
Repairs continue on cowboy bar.
Barley Tooney Frankie Tooney and Looney Tooney are standing off to the side in a row enjoying the spectacle. They are bundled up in thick green woolen plaid overcoats and matching woolen plad scarfs and matching woolen plaid shovel caps. They are waving steaming hot mugs of ale. They are singing PADDY'S BOWELS ARE A-FLAPPIN'.
Frankey, Barley, and Looney, they cheer every time a piece of the wreckage gets chucked onto the big trash heap in the parking lot.
Mind the eaves, Lads! Fling the shingles down easy now!
Barley Tooney's nose is a-glow.
Here comes the big woodchuck who is the proprietor of the cowboy bar. That big woodchuck is driving a forklift out through the swinging doors of the bar. That woodchuck is hauling out the potbelly woodstove. The top half appears to have blown off it. This also happened during the New Years Eve celebration. No one knows how.
Here come five gray squirrels with a fresh pot of tea. Also some new roof shingles which they pried off the shed.
Pia's New Year Resolutions
Give away old Snake Goddess jewelry as is hokey.
Start new garage band. Call new garage band Deaf Leopard.
Maybe not steal any more cans of spiced Vienna sausages from Pigman's Market as could get caught (not sure about this one).
Learn to program in C++.
Charlie's New Year Resolutions
Master platypus anatomy.
Get started writing next chapter of textbook about beef cattle diseases.
Embark on Ph.D. in English Literature in area of Tolkein and The Oral Tradition.
Maybe start building own acoustic bass out of rosewood.
Dad's New Year Resolutions
Return all library books dating back to 1958 (keep The Robber Barons).
Drink more ale.
January 7
Dusk.
Am shoveling steps on east side of house. Usually it is Pias job to shovel steps. However Pia claims to still be recovering from New Years Eve celebration.
Shoveling steps has become terribly tedious. On account of Chessie bent the shovel all to hell. This happened when Chessie was backing up Dads truck. Chessie should not be driving Dads truck. However Pia handed Chessie the keys and said here back that bucket of bolts out of the way.
Chessie backed the truck over the shovel and the trash cans and the picnic table and the outdoor grill and Ninis fountain statue of the Little Urinating Boy which was wrapped in cheese cloth for the winter. I do not think that the Little Urinating Boy will urinate anymore.
Good golly what is that hideous thing standing in the yard.
Oh it is a life-size plastic deer wearing a black rain slicker and galoshes.
January 10
Shoveling walkway from kitchen to compost pile in order that Nini can dispose of egg peels unimpeded by snow mounds.
Paws are half frozen off wrists. Despite woolen cap with ear flaps ears may shatter like glass at any moment.
Am doing a considerable amount of shoveling lately. On account of Pia is busy rehearsing most days with Deaf Leopard.
Can see Snooples and Chessie through the window. They are inside the kitchen. Unlike myself they are contented and warm.
They are selecting potato chips with postage stamp tweezers and placing them into tiny single-serving paper bags. They are stapling the bags shut.
I wonder what the hell that is all about.
January 11
Plastic deer is wearing a pink and green polka dotted bikini and a beach towel printed all over with seagulls draped about its neck. Also rubber flip flops.
This does not seem appropriate as it is -5 degrees Farenheit.
January 13
At the dining room table.
Am assembling boring jigsaw puzzle as there is nothing to do. On account of all the world is a dead and frozen tundra.
Have no idea what this jigsaw puzzle is supposed to be in the end. On account of box is long gone and the pieces are stored in a Maxwell House coffee can. All I know is there is somebody's head. Also some pieces appear to be missing as cannot find the left eyeball.
January 14
Boring jigsaw puzzle progressing at excruciating glacial pace. Snooples is assisting but this does no good as the pieces end up soggy and wedged into the wrong holes.
SNOOPLES YOU DO NOT NEED TO WEAR ONE OF CHARLIES LABORATORY COATS WHENEVER ASSISTING WITH THE JIGSAW PUZZLE.
but it is an operation! no less than that!
SNOOPLES A JIGSAW PUZZLE IS NOT LIVING FLESH.
Snooples has just wedged a puzzle piece featuring a tiled roof into the location of the missing eyeball.
Sigh.
Maybe I will go watch a television program.
January 15, 2004
Muffin,
What do you do over there when you have a frozen tundra.
Do you stay inside and hand-sort millet seeds into little stacks or something of that nature.
Here there is nothing to do but jigsaw puzzles.
If that is not bad enough, it never fails that some nitwit
January 17, 2004
Muffin:
Sorry had to end last letter prematurely. Chessie was sucked up into the snow blower. Chessie ended up blowed over into the cornfield next door.
We had to sift the snow with vegetable strainers and spatulas. But that was good as found Dads pocket watch which has been missing since November plus Chessie.
Yours,
GDL
Ms. Wysiwyg's New Year's Resolutions
Train pupils in better care of pencil erasers (current system abominable).
Perhaps introduce a computer into the classroom (have eye on nice Apple IIc).
Ms. Van Lips' New Year's Resolutions
Get nails done more often.
Get beautifying mud baths more often.
Buy more Fun Furs, esp. leopard and ocelot(!)
Take up Fabric Art.
Ninis New Year's Resolutions
Watch more documentaries of self on History Channel.
Keep closer eye on deworming pharmaceutical stocks.
Make trip to Copenhagen soon to procure replacement for antique fountain statue of Urinating Danish Boy.
Harp more.
January 20, 2004
Muffin,
I thought you might want to know that Mom is learning to play the bagpipes. This means life is over as we know it.
You probably should not consider coming to the United States for a while.
Yours truly,
GDL
Ben's New Year Resolutions
Learn to make healthful bean casseroles.
Achieve platitudinous bliss once and for all.
January 25
Dad wants to know where the life-size plastic deer in the yard came from and who dressed that deer in Dads good red plaid Woolrich hunting coat and pants. Also who slung his best rifle over that deers shoulder.
I bet I know.
Anyways, I am finally making significant progress on this jigsaw puzzle. Appears to be a cat dressed in Revolutionary War garb. That cat appears to be riding a spotted cow.
January 28
Boring jigsaw puzzle was nearly 3/4 done. However Snooples made some alterations early this afternoon whilst I was outside photographing the life-size plastic deer which was wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and tie-dye trousers.
Now the cat riding the spotty cow has upside down lips and a musket for one leg. The cow has a hubcap for a head and appears to be standing on the Statue of Liberty. I think Snooples has mixed 2 jigsaw puzzles together.
One thing is clear however. That cat riding the spotty cow: It is Nini.
Moms New Year Resolutions
Learn to play the bagpipes.
Gracies New Years Resolutions
Kill all bagpipes everywheres.
January 31
Evening
The cowboy bar under the spirea bushes is in full swing once more.
They are celebrating by hosting a live performance by Rover Cash. Rover Cash is Johnny Cash's blue tick hound. Rover Cash plays the jaw harp. Deaf Leopard will be the opening band.
I cannot wait.
