October 1, 2004
Dear Muffin:
What would make a life size plastic deer fall apart for no apparent reason.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
October 3, 2004
Dear Muffin:
This life size plastic deer which I am referring to, it fell completely apart at the hinges. Or whatever life size plastic deer have which hold the parts together.
It was a hell of a sight.
Yours Again,
Gracie
October 5, 2004
Muffin:
What I mean to say is, pitcher yourself walking around the side of the house on a nice and sunny September afternoon and expecting that this life size plastic deer, which is around the other side of the house, it will be there wearing its frilly pantaloons or its old fashioned nurses outfit or some other appropriate September fashion.
However instead that life size plastic deer, it is all fallen apart in the manner of kindling sticks.
It was rather shocking to say the least thing about it.
Yours Truly,
Gracie De La Rue
October 7, 2004
Dear Muffin:
I believe you will find this intaresting.
All the animals on the Continent of Africa, they are heavy smokers. On account of the stress, I guess.
Yours in Good Health,
Gracie
October 9
Shop Class
Mr. Beernose the Shop Teacher, he is demonstrating Table Saw Safety.
However it is difficult to hear what Mr. Beernose has to say. On account of Chessie, she is plowing through dense metal slabs with a cutting torch which is blasting flames everywheres and Chickenloaf is drilling into a object which resembles a man hole cover using a enormous power drill and Snooples is sawing noisily with a fancy handled handsaw, and Pia, she is hammering at a truck fender with a large rubber mallet.
Now Mr. Beernose, he is having us put on our safety goggles.
Which now I cannot see on account of these safety goggles, they are scratched all to hell. Also smudged.
October 11
Art Class
Ms. Van Lips, she is demonstrating how to draw a straight line.
October 12
Well it is unfortunately pumpkin season once again.
Mother has been feeding a pumpkin milk. In order to make the pumpkin very large.
Of all the damned things.
October 13
Every time I must venture out to the shed to fetch a pair of pliers or whatever there is that large flabby pumpkin setting there. This pumpkin it is the size of a large manure pile.
I think it wants to kill me.
October 14
Evening
Black Knight to White Queen. No, that would be unduly forward. They hardly know one another...
Black Pawn to White Queen. No, different socioeconomic classes altogether. Would be terribly awkward...
Black Bishop to White Knight. No, no, that would be inhumane...
Black Rook to White Pawn. No, too much history...
Playing chess with Ben.
Playing chess with Ben is torture. On account of Ben, he takes a hour or more to ponder each and every single move all over the board. Also Ben, he mutters endlessly to himself as he is weighing this move and that move.
Chessie is standing at the easel in her yellow corderouy pajamas and rabbit slippers. Chessie is painting a self portrait with Nutella plus sparkly glitter.
Chickenloaf, she is sprawled on the carpet and is working on some sort of project which apparently involves scissoring bits of paper all over the floor.
Snooples, she is setting at the end of the sofa and is reading a thick book called JavaScript for Kittens. Snooples is wearing huge wooly socks which have threads sticking out every which way.
Snooples bounces her foots up and down whilst reading. It is the only way which Snooples can concentrate. And so the toes of those huge wooly socks, they are bobbling and those threads which are sticking out every which way, they are flying about like antennas.
October 15
Shop Class
Am sorting wood screws into little bins. It is pretty fun.
October 18
Gross Disgusting Anatomy Class.
Dr. Muzzlewhite is showing a rattly old film about bowels.
October 19
Shop Class
Pia is demonstrating how she is disassembling a 1950 Ford Pickup Truck. The parts, they are lying in tidy formations everywheres all over the Shop Room Floor. I did not know a truck has so many various parts.
Pia, she is demonstrating the manner in which she is dissecting the carburetor. Pia is removing a thin and greasy little gasket with neetle nose pliers. That gasket, it was made from a corn flakes box in the Olden Days. The corn flakes chicken, you can still see its legs.
Now the carburetor, it is being passed around the room which we all may examine its interior workings. That carburetor, it has little holes and little culverts and little nozzles everywheres inside of it. Mr. Beernose, he explains that a carburetor is like a HUMAN HEART.
Everyone gasps in unison at this revelation.
October 20
Black Bishop to White Queen. Oh dear me, that won't do. I forgot he was defrocked over the Parcheesi man incident...
Black Rook to White Bishop. Oh, but then he'd have all this explaining to do about the photographer...
October 22
Dining Room Table
Am attempting to study cross section of a goat liver in Gross Disgusting Anatomy Text Book.
However, it is difficult. As Pia has 1950 Ford Truck distributor parts spread all over the table and is cleaning each little distributor part with Dads toothbrush plus a cereal bowl full of Kerosene.
Chessie and Snooples, they keep picking up the parts and inquiring what they are.
what is this part?
That's the points.
what is this part?
That's the post.
what is this part?
That's the plate.
what is this part?
That's the cap.
what is this part?
That's the points.
what is this part?
That's the cap.
And so on.
Which causes me to confuse distributor parts with goat liver parts.
October 24
Black Pawn to White Pawn. No, I fear that would place a strain on the fragile peace negotiations..
Black Rook to White Queen. No, he needs his rest after wandering around lost under the sofa last evening...
Black Bishop to White Bishop. No, wouldn't want to send the wrong message about The Church...
October 26, 2004
Dear Muffin,
Why wear safety goggles if they are all scratched to hell. Also smudged.
That is what I would like to know.
Yours,
GDL
October 27
Black pawn to White King. Oh heavens, that won't do at all...
Black Queen to White Knight. No! No more bloodshed! I cannot bear it!
Ben is weeping into his paws.
October 29
Side Yard
Am standing over the heap of life size plastic deer parts with a staple gun.
Am contemplating where to start.
October 30
That damned pumpkin. Last night at midnight it broked off its stem.
That pumpkin, it rolled all the way down to the back door. I heard that pumpkin crashing through the shrubs. Then I heard the THUMP.
I knew exactly what it was.
I tiptoed to the back door in my pajamas and bathrobe and bare foots. I hauled a wooden stool over to the door. I climbed up on that wooden stool and I stood upon my toes. I pressed my paws against the door so as not to topple. Then I peeped through the little door hole with one eye.
There was that pumpkin leaning against the door in the moonlight, all magnified and weird.
It made my fur stand on end.
October 31, 2004
Dear Muffin,
Well, the life size plastic deer, it is put back together once again.
As I am taking Shop Class nowadays, I am getting pretty good at putting things back together.
First I drilled some big holes in the arms and legs. Then I fitted some nice decorative wrought iron curtain rods through the holes.
Next I made Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben hold the arms and legs upright. So as I could set the deer torso upon the curtain rods. That looked pretty good!
So then I wrapped duct tape around and around the deer torso. So as to attach the deer torso to the curtain rods. Which were busy holding together the arms and legs. This took alot of duct tape.
So as the arms and legs, they would not spin, I then proceeded to clamp on some large pipe wrenches at each juncture of the arm or leg and the curtain rod. These pipe wrenches, they also serve as ballast.
Next came the head.
The head, it was not a easy thing. First I had to run a big dowel down into the neck. Which is part of the torso. Then I had to fill the torso with wood glue. So as the dowel, you know, would not slop around. It is pretty important for a deer neck not to slop around.
Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they had to hold the deer upright for 24 hours. So as to allow the wood glue to stiffen and the duct tape to settle down. Many people do not know this, but duct tape must settle down.
Then the head, I stuck it on the other end of the dowel. The head, it is now about 3 feet from the rest of the deer. Also it spins.
However, repairs of this nature are never perfect.
The antlers they were all busted to hell. There was no saving the antlers. I had to saw the antler stumps off with Moms chainsaw. That deer, he is now a doe. Only with large genitals.
Finally I nailed on the ears. I nailed on the ears using some good big Ten Penny Nails. You do not want deer ears falling off.
Those Ten Penny Nails, they stick out a couple of inches at the ear lobes. However, we shall be able to hang earrings from the nail heads so that is OK.
Voila! That deer, it is fixed.
Yours,
Gracie
