May 1, 2004
You will be pleased to know that I am now gainfully employed. I am assisting Pia with the mowing and trimming yards.
My job is to scissor the grass around the lawn ornaments. At the residences at which we mow the yards.
I am saving up the grass scissoring money to buy a new PawPilot Model 700. I will give my old PawPilot to Chessie. As Chessie is taking a heavy mathematics load in the Fall Semester.
Gracie De La Rue
Am eating a hearty breakfast of a large pile of ham. Also 1 banana.
On account of will participate in a full evening of mowing yards directly after school.
Mrs. Pintle's yard is the first yard. It is scheduled for 3:30 p.m.
Mrs. Pintle's yard is infested with crabs.
Scissoring grass around large bird bath held up by naked stone cupids.
This is at Mrs. Finchmeal's residence. Later must paint trousers upon the cupids. So as to not scandalize the gentleman next door, the elderly Mr. Gleem.
Mrs. Finchmeal, she has more lawn ornaments than Nini, even.
One particular lawn ornament in the middle of the peony bed appears to be the engine out of a small airplane. However actually it is a snail.
Scissoring grass from around Mrs. Von Bundt Cake's plastic lambs. Mrs. Von Bundt Cake has 37 plastic lambs. Those plastic lambs stand in a row all the way up to the faux wishing well. That faux wishing well, it is full of pink petunias made out of some kind of weird fabric.
Also there are plastic gnomes. They roll around everywheres when the wind blows. It is startling to be trimming the beards on the penstemons and a gnome rolls by.
Sometimes the gnomes, they bounce across the road and into the cow pasture. Then all the cows stand around staring at the gnomes wondering what to do.
Scissoring grass around a large infaltable Easter Bunny rising up out of a egg next to a styrofoam snowman. Mrs. Biff-Blount prefers to leave her seasonal decorations up year round.
That Easter Bunny is gently rocking in the breeze.
Pia is hissing and swearing. On account of Pia must use a large ancient motorless rotary yardmower. On account of all the plastic eggs and the reindeers.
It is like pushing a harpsicord around the yard.
Mrs. Biff-Blount, however, insists that it is safer for the plastic eggs and the reindeers.
Scissoring grass around Mrs. Verjuice's Zillion Dollar Tea Roses. Each Zillion Dollar Tea Rose grows in its own little square plot and produces just one flower which must wear a hair net. Those plots occur every 2 feet all over the yard. It takes 86 hours to mow around each Tea Rose Plot. Then there is all the scissoring and tucking in of the bedding plants and reading to them from Struwwelpeter. Then we must tweeze and fumigate the Clematis Vines.
Then there are the Japanese Beetles. Each Japanese Beetle must be interviewed extensively. We must take each beetle's name, examine that Beetle's Visa, and impress upon that Beetle the Rules of the Garden. We must remember to read each beetle its rights. Each Beetle must sign a paper.
Next Wednesday we have to do it all over again. On account of Mrs. Verjuice composts the papers. Anyways all the beetles wander off and the yard is full of new beetles.
Scissoring around a stone miniature of San Juan Capistrano Mission. This is the residence of Menudo Toblerone. Menudo Toblerone is the Spanish teacher at school.
Pia likes mowing the yard at Menudo Toblerone's residence. On account of Menudo Toblerone owns a delux lawn tractor. It is the size of a military tank. Pia likes to drive that lawn tractor at top speed.
However it is hazardous on account of all the little wooden saints.
Last week Saint Parvenu the Patron Saint of Web Developers became shredded.
Working on the yard of Eben Flow. He is the television repair guy.
The house of Eben Flow, it has scabby old paint. Also creepy blowy curtains. The yard has not been mowed in 14 years. The grass is 4 feet high. There are old televisions setting around everywhere in the grass. Ducks nest in some of those televisions.
Pia is cruizing around on a green and yellow Oliver 70 tractor. That tractor is pulling a sickle bar mowing machine.
Later we will rake and bale the hay and try to sell it to some Clydesdales we know.
Pia just ran the sickle bar mower into a large wooden combination television set and record player. Pia must have overlooked the antennas sticking up from the grass.
Pia has ripped the red bandanna off from around her ears. Pia has flung that bandana to the ground. Pia is saying FUCK. Now Pia is replacing several of the teeth on the mowing machine.
What did they call those combination television sets and record players. Oh I remember. Banquettes.
What do you think of somebody who collects naked plastic mannequins and has them standing around the yard along with antique washing machines.
This is at the residence of Marlin Carp the fiction writer.
It is embarrassing. Also they are hell to trim the grass around.
Also Marlin Carp the fiction writer, he sets on the portch and types on a hideous old clacking typewriter. Marlin Carp drinks directly from a bottle of Scotch. Marlin Carp insists on calling us KITTY CATS.
Slept through Mad Poets Class. Also Indefinite Mathematics Class. Also Spiritual Raptures Seminar.
Cannot sleep through this class however as I must hold the tongs.
Most cats get to rest on Sunday. But not me and Pia.
Sunday is the day me and Pia mow the yard at home. The yard at home, it is about 100 acres. It is overpopulated with Ninis lawn ornaments and gazebos and whatnot. It takes 3 hours just to scissor around the 39 different species of pink flamingoes. Those flamingoes, their wings keep whirling which is hazardous.
I guess I better go to bed early.
Scissoring around pink flamingoes at home. Blisters on every single toe of scissor paw.
Oh there is that lifesize plastic deer.
Today that deer is dressed in skimpy red lingerie. Also fuzzy rabbit ears. Also red spike heels.
Spike heels seem unnecessary on a hoofed animal.
What do you think of somebody who lets Silky Chickens run all over their yard in their big feathery bloomers for the whole neighborhood to see.
I personally believe this is unseemly.
Yours In Mortification,
Got up early today to polish the lawn mower.
On account of today Pia and I get to mow Vladimir Polesaw's yard. It is my favorite yard.
On account of it is mostly vegetable gardens and flower gardens and fruit gardens and little barns. There is not much yard.
Vladimir Polesaw, he serves us milk and lamb cutlets at 4 p.m. He sends us home with a big paper sack of vegetables.
Vladimir Polesaw. He is a pretty good guy.
Vladimir Polesaw, he is a old refugee. From New Jersey or somewheres. Snooples says he is a Time Traveler.
Vladimir Polesaw, he lives in a big silver Airstream on 20 acres. He grows gourds. There is a little fish pond. Also some sheeps.
Also large rabbits which look like Jersey cows with ears.
Snipping grass around the rabbits is unnecessary. On account of the rabbits, they snip the grass all by themselves.
Everybody is applauding. Ben is at the front of the classroom bowing repeatedly and elaborately. Ben is dressed in a white toga. Ben has a bunch of leaves on his head.
I will go back to sleep now.
Polishing reflecting globes at Mrs. Von Bundt Cake's house. Snooples and Chessie are helping. They are wearing mittens. They do not like the nettles.
It is a windy day. Snooples and Chessie are chasing plastic gnomes which are rolling all over the yard.
Accidentally punctured large inflatable Easter Bunny rising up out of egg yesterday at Mrs. Biff-Blount's residence whilst trimming dandelions. Easter Bunny went zipping off over the rooftops.
So we do not have a contract at Mrs. Biff-Blount's residence anymore.