December 31
5 a.m.
Am attempting to sleep late in bed.
However it is impossible. On account of a ear-deafening Sousa March is blasting upon the Victrola. Also Chickenloaf and Ben are watching a program involving large guns on the History Channel. Also Pia is arguing with somebody on the telephone once again. Also Nini is clattering cake pans.
6 a.m.
Snooples and Chessie are singing JESUS BUILT MY HOT ROD and they are banging on Dads collection of gongs. Pia is on the telephone calling somebody a Horse Dong.
I may as well get out of bed.
6:30 a.m.
Standing in bathroom in Bullwinkle and Rockey pajamas and bare foots. Am brushing tooths.
Ben, he is waiting at the bathroom door, wearing a hairnet. Ben, he is in his fluffy pink bathrobe and mules, with a towel draped over one arm. He is waiting to take his bubble bath.
7 a.m.
Snooples and Chessie, they are watching television cartoons. They are watching Amazing Rabbit Head.
Nini is sorting through her evening gowns. Dad is practicing tying a bow tie. Sugar Lips, she is trying on earrings similar to small chandeliers.
7:30 a.m.
Am pulling rollers out of head fur and am swabbing Noxema off whiskers.
It will be a long, long day.
This is on account of everybody is going out to engage in various celebrations this evening. Nini, she is being honored at the Kennedy Center. Pia's band is playing at Chumps. Mom and Dad, they are going to the grand opening of a used airplane gallery.
Me, I shall not go out. On account of I am babysitting Snooples and Chessie. For this I will earn a large amount of money.
These rollers. They did not help. Head fur is still a fright.
8:15 a.m.
Snooples and Chessie are watching more cartoons. They are watching Rumpy and Stinky.
It is a dumb cartoon.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE WHY DO YOU REMAIN IN YOUR PAJAMAS.
They do not hear me. They are fascinated by a commercial for Krunkle Bits. Krunkle Bits are dumb. Also laden with caffiene.
That commercial, it is kind of intaresting. Apparently there is a secret code ring in every box of Krunkle Bits. That secret code ring, it lights up if you press a little button.
I think I will go open the Krunkle Bits box in the pantry.
10 a.m.
Snooples and Chessie, they are still watching cartoons. Now they are watching Poodle Eater From Outer Space.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE THAT PROGRAM WILL ROT YOUR HEADS.
if i laugh at any mortal thing 'tis that i may not weep!
That is what Chessie says.
12 Noon
The dining room table, it is festooned with twinkly candles.
Nini and Dad, they are laying out a festive noontime dinner which mainly consists of crab claws. Chessie is already eating her yam.
Pia is on the phone again. Pia is arguing with the bass player in the band. That bass player, he is a Lynx. He has an attitude. That is what Pia says. Pia's band, it is called Deaf Leopard.
These crab claws, they are pretty good.
2 p.m.
We are taking turns loading musical tunes onto our brand new iPaws. Ben, he is loading Andean jaw harp solos. Pia, she is loading Cow Punk. Snooples is loading every version of every Sousa March ever known to exist upon the earth.
Ben, he is hogging the computer with zillions of Andean jaw harp solos.
I think I will go watch TV.
2:15 p.m.
"You see, George? You have been given a great gift."
Cannot watch television. On account of half the family is watching It's a Wonderful Life.
2:30 p.m.
Am traversing turkey rug on living room floor. The turkey rug, it is scattered with jigsaw puzzle pieces, snack trays, half dranked glasses of milk, Parcheesi men, and iPaws tangled up in their earphones cords.
3 p.m.
Somebody has got out Nini's collection of antique cheese slicers and has been using them to cut modeling clay.
That is not good.
3:45 p.m.
Pia just said fuck you into the telephone for the 16th time today.
Charlie, he is warming up his Aston Martin in the driveway. Charlie is wearing his fedora hat. This means Charlie has a musical performance this evening. Charlies upright bass, it is lying upon its side in the back seat of Charlies Aston Martin.
Nini is wearing a snow white fur coat and a tall chinchilla hat the shape of a family size soup can.
Everybody is putting on their winter coats and are preparing to leave for the evening except for me. Also Snooples and Chessie who are eating a large vat of popcorn and are watching a Turkey Lee Jones concert on the television.
4 p.m.
Sigh.
This house. It is too quiet.
I think I will go listen to my iPaw.
20 gigabytes of Andean jaw harp solos.
Ben has taken my iPaw to the roller skating rink by mistake.
5 p.m.
Clutching large pillow over head and am attempting to take a nap upon the sofa. On account of it will be a long, long night.
However, it is difficult to nap. On account of Snooples and Chessie, they are sitting on the floor 14 inches from the television screen, and they are watching Revenge of the Chickadees.
Those Chickadees, they are squeaking rather loud.
5:20 p.m.
Good heavens who turned the house upside down whilst I was taking a nap.
I will go investigate.
This house, it was not designed to be turned upside down. I guess it is a old house. The ceiling tiles, they creak underfoot.
Also, the light fixtures. They are stumblesome.
Also you must hop over the top of the door frame every time you enter a room. That is not ideal.
Also the wall clock, it is ticking right next to my ear. Also it is melting.
Here is Snooples.
Snooples is holding up a large canning jar so that it is backlit by the windows. This canning jar. It has Chessie pickled inside of it. With some carrot slices and garlic cloves.
Now Snooples mouth is moving. However no sound is coming out.
IT IS AGAINST THE LAW TO MUMBLE.
That is what I tell Snooples.
Snooples is opening her mouth wide. THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER, it is blasting at top volume out of Snooples mouth.
7 p.m.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE TURN THAT VICTROLA DOWN. I WAS ENDEAVORING TO TAKE A NAP BEFORE SUPPER.
supper is served! it is oyster stew!
Snooples and Chessie are standing in the doorway with trays upon which are soup bowls and little sandwiches.
8 p.m.
We are watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones, he just shot the sword guy.
10 p.m.
"...No, you ate yours."
Am watching Silence of the Lambs. It is pretty good.
Snooples and Chessie, they are sound asleep on the floor in their new sleeping bags which are decorated with cowboys and lariats and long horned cattles.
11:30 p.m.
Am watching local news.
There is the bass player in Deaf Leopard being led from Chumps in handcuffs.
That is probably not good.
11:58 p.m.
Snooples and Chessie, they have been tucked into bed with some bread and cheese.
Me, I am watching a Festive Times Square Television Program. There is Nini in her white rabbit fur coat and tall chinchilla hat. Nini is clutching a glass of champagne. Nini is standing with Walter Cronkite.
11:59 p.m.
> click <
That Festive Times Square Television Program. It was boring.
Well, I guess I will go to bed.
