Monday, January 1
Happy New Years, everybody!
This is a special New Years on account of Dad has returned from Ben's Native Land! He showed up a while ago! He brought us a Lionel train set! He looks hundreds of years old now!
Also, the Partridge Family are back together! They sing this version of "Elvis the Pine Siskin!" They put in this la la la part but it works.
However that song has too much tambourine.
Tuesday, January 2
Dad has a long white beard now. His pant legs they look like stove pipes.
Dad, he is unpacking the U-Haul which he brought back from Ben's Native Land. Mostly he is unpacking boxes of vodka also cigars. I don't remember that they were on Ben's list.
Ben is racing back and forth in the yard on account of his Rubber Smew appears to be missing.
TWednesday, January 3
Dad brought us T-shirts from Ben's Native Land!
Ben's T-shirt says BEN'S NATIVE LAND: HOME OF THE FIGHTING SMEWS
Nini's says WHERE THE HELL IS BEN'S NATIVE LAND?
Pia's says MY DAD WENT TO BEN'S NATIVE LAND AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.
Chickenloaf's says I'M WITH STUPID.
Where do they think of this stuff it is so funny! We all put on our T-shirts and danced to the new Partridge Family song on the radio!
TFriday, January 5
Dad is driving the empty U-Haul back to somewheres, and Ben, he is Very Serious and he is unpacking boxes and checking things off on his checklist.
One teacup got busted. On account of it was under the boat.
Ben's grandmother, she was in a box all taped shut. That box, it said George Foreman's Lean Grill.
Ben's grandmother is taxidermized which is pretty nice. I hope I get taxidermized someday.
TSaturday, January 6
Last night Elvis the Pine Siskin was so good! It was about this piece of cornbread! It was shaped like an ear of corn! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TSunday, January 7
It is cold today I am wearing a big thick sweatshirt and my new fuzzy slippers. Chickenloaf is outside making snow bats. She is wearing my red stocking hat on account of she lost her pink stocking hat with the big pom pom.
Now she is filling her mittens with little pine cones.
Dad brought Chessie a tiny pootle. It has wool on its head and a hat called a bayray. I have never seen a dog such as that.
Also, Dad brought Snooples a Slim Jim hat. He says it is from Ben's Native Land. This made Ben frown.
That hat has Slim Jims all over it. They stick straight up.
TTuesday, January 9
The radio, it keeps playing that Partridge Family song. It has a lot of tambourine!
la la! (rattle)
The Pine Siskiiiiiiiiin
la la la la! (rattle rattle)
Then there's this long tamburine solo. Rattlin for about 10 minutes!
Whenever that tambourine solo comes on we dance like crazy! Ben he runs around trying to keep his collection of teacups from vibrating off the shelves!
TThursday, January 11
I think something must be wrong at the radio station.
It keeps playing that Partridge Family song every 20 minutes.
woo hoo hooo! (rattle)
That silly old Pine Siskin!
la la wooooo! (rattle rattle)
Maybe everybody at the radio station is dead!
TFriday, January 12
Today that Partridge Family song came on for the 50th time today!
Everybody luvs Elvis!
luv! luv! (rattle rattle rattle)
I said let's get up and dance! But Pia said no way that's boring so now I'm bored!
TSaturday, January 13
I can't get that Partridge Family song outta my head!
Just like Elvis!
We want to be wanted!
la la la! (rattle rattle)
All I can hear for hours is those la la las!
Plus Chickenloaf she keeps singing that song while she's working on her sewing projects!
TSunday, January 14
Today when that Partridge Family song came on the radio Pia called up the radio station and yelled hey play something else for a change will ya?
So then they played this Neil Diamond song.
TMonday, January 15
There's that Partridge Family song again.
TTuesday, January 16
I hate the Partridge Family! Tambourines make my ears sore!
TSaturday, January 20
Today while I was having a lot of fun clunking around wearing Mom's Docter Martins on my front feet and Dad's Red Wings on my back feet, this lady, she came to our house to talk about taking my picture for the Kutsey Kittens Kalendar! For 2002!
She brought a ribbon with numbers on it and tied it around my waist!
She said I was TOO FAT!!!
She says maybe I can be in the Kutsey Kittens Kalendar if I lose 7 pounds by the end of the month and do some firming exercises!
Also I have to practice looking wide-eyed and innocent!
TSunday, January 21
I need to lose some weight pretty fast.
I asked Chickenloaf how can I lose 7 pounds in 1 month and she says lettuce and water. Definitely lettuce and water.
So Ben and me we pried the refrigerator door open and clawed some lettuce off the big green lettuce ball that sits in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. I ate that lettuce.
It was full of claw marks and it was disgusting and it gave me terrible breath!
I had to eat a whole bag of tuna snacks to get rid of that terrible lettuce breath!
Then I gained 3 pounds!
TMonday, January 22
Today Pia deep-fat fried the radio in Nini's deer fryer.
So no more Partridge Family.
TTuesday, January 23
I figured out how to lose 7 pounds! I asked Ben how he stays so skinny and he says Fasting and Meditation. That is the only way!
Right after supper I am going to Fast and Meditate!
TWednesday, January 24
Last night supper was turkey legs! We got to eat turkey legs and watch Elvis the Pine Siskin!
During the scene where the camera zooms in on this baby lamb, Chessie dropped her turkey leg! It rolled under the couch!
Chessies eyes filled up with tears! And then Snooples eyes filled up with tears!
So I had to go get Chessie another turkey leg and I ended up missing the good part where they find the dust mop laying under the tree!
TThursday, January 25
I have been fasting and meditating every night right after supper. I find that it works best on a full stomach.
See what you do is, you sit there and you Empty Your Mind. Ben he can do this really well.
I cannot do it really well just yet. Whenever I think I got my mind all emptied out, then I end up thinking about an elephant or something and then I've got to get that elephant out of there!
Also, you buzz. Ben is teaching me how to buzz.
Also I have been practicing a wide-eyed innocent look in the bathroom. The Kutsey Kittens Kalendar lady says it is helpful if you tilt your head to one side like you don't know anything, also to pretend you have a red bow on your head.
I think I am getting the hang of it but Pia says I look like a torpid lemur.
TFriday, January 26
Dad found me practicing a wide-eyed innocent look in the bathroom with my head hanging to one side like I don't know anything and a Christmas bow taped on top of my head!
Now I have to get distemper shots.
TMonday, January 28
Today in World Cultures class we had to give a presentation on our Native Lands also their Cheeses. Most of us grew up right around here so it was kinda weird. We were supposed to bring cheese samples.
Lots of us forgot our cheese.
Ms. Wysiwyg, she called on each one of us all around the room and we had to talk about our Native Land. When it was my turn I said my Native Land is down the road somewheres, I don't know. I had no cheese.
Chessie, she said she comes from Denmark also France, even though she was born in the house last August. She knows the word floover which is the Dane word for cream. Then Chessie, she rolled in this great big wheel of Goat Cheese.
Joey Binks, he had some Goat Cheese too. But only a small slab.
Snooples said she is Irish. She showed us this little cow she made out of a potato with toothpick legs. Snooples wore this little killt that did not cover her knees. She did this little Irish dance during which she clicked her toenails all over the floor. She clicked all over the place! It was very cute!
But Snooples had no cheese.
Pia was next. She said "I'm from New York City" and held up a can of Velveeta.
Then it was Ben's turn! He talked for 90 minutes! But he had no cheeses! He showed us a large diagram of a Smew and he taught us the different parts of its anatomy. Then he burst into tears!
Then it was break time! We got to eat cheeses!
TTuesday, January 29
Today in Health Matters A Whole Bunch! Class I asked Weakie how do you lose 7 pounds in 2 weeks and she told us a bunch of stuff about a healthy, balanced diet and lots of exercise and she gave us this health pamphlet that shows all these Very Active Cats doing stuff like chasing balls and playing with string and running up and down steps!
Weakie, she showed us this big chart of the Six Food Groups:
See, you are supposed to eat mostly beef with some chickens and trouts thrown in once and a while and you are supposed to go really light on the rodents on accout of they are so rich and back WAY off on snakes and stuff! Whatever you do, keep cat food kibbles to a minimum.
I don't have time for this!
TThursday, January 31
I asked Pia how she stays so slim and trim on account of she looks fabulous in her T-shirts so I asked her how does she lose weight and she says it's very simple!