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gracie's world 2001


The Brownie PawPilot Model 600

September 1
I am trying to fix my PawPilot. I am dabbling at it with cotton swabs.

My PawPilot, it is full of cat pee.

I am also trying to concentrate.

But it is difficult to concentrate because Mom is roaring that vacuum cleaner around and ramming it under everybody's legs! She is singing this ridiculous song! It is about Snooples and Chessie! I have itemized it here:

Her name is Cuckoo!
Her sister's Tutu!
Cuckoo is a cuckoo, but Tutu's cuckoo too!
O, it's true that Cuckoo's cuckoo, but Tutu's truly cuckoo!
Maybe Tutu is more cuckooer than Cuckoo!


September 3
Today was the first day of school. You would not believe the exchange kid we have this year! A Dingo Dog!

This year I am studying Astrophysics, Architectural Engineering, Entomological Etymology, The Principles of Lint Removal, also The Great Poets, which is a relief on account of the poets we studied last year sucked.

Also I am in Advanced Writing Class. Today we learned the word RAVENING.

September 4
I am running my PawPilot under the bathtub faucet full blast and brushing at it with Dad's toothbrush. This bathtub faucet is making a loud and ravening noise! Chessie is singing along and Chickenloaf is singing along! Chessie is perched on top of the faucet and Chickenloaf is standing on the laundry hampster, and she is wearing her new pith helmet. Bufo Woodhouse my Toad is hopping around in the bathtub wearing his little red bandanna around his neck, and Snooples is sitting on the toilet seat banging one of Dad's symbols with a Claw Hammer and singing THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER which she learned this Fourth of July at the Kittens' Carnival and Snake Hunt.

It is her favorite song.

September 5

That Dingo Dog is OK except he likes to steal things from the garbage.

September 6
Today I am going to boil my PawPilot. Weakie has provided instructions. I am to boil the PawPilot for 20 minutes. This will eliminate all pee.

I have the boiling pot on now! It is simmering!

I sincerely hope Mom and Dad don't find out I am using the cookstove, as we are not allowed to use the cookstove or any of its useful features under any circumstances whatsoever.

20 minutes later
I came back to check on my PawPilot and there was my PawPilot bobbing around with a bunch of hot dogs!!!


September 7
Chessie dumped a whole package of hot dogs into the pot in which I was boiling my PawPilot so I must boil it once again.

Chickenloaf recommends boiling it in Endive Water. She says this provides the added benefit of keeping animal predators at bay. So I guess I have to boil some Endive whatever the hell that is.


September 8
I am dabbling my PawPilot dry. It has been soaking in Olive Oil so that it will not rust.

It looks pretty good!


September 9
Chessie unravelled her entire sweater in Astrophysics class today. I kept whispering CHESSIE DON'T KEEP PULLING THAT YARN!

Next thing I know there's this yellow ball of wrinkly yarn the size of Pluto on Chessie's desk, and she's very proud of this gigantic ball of yellow yarn!

But no sweater.


September 13
My PawPilot does not work when I switch on its little switch, it makes a screepy noise and then it goes boioioioioioing! Then the numbers 71077345 on the little bitty screen.


September 14
I am dabbing the little pieces of my PawPilot with Q-tips which are dipped in rubbing alcohol. The pieces which are cleaned I am laying out on little squares of soft pink toilet paper.

Snooples she is observing. She is sitting here at the table and she is looking at the PawPilot pieces through binoculars.

Snooples, she keeps reaching out and patting the clean PawPilot pieces. Then they are covered with little crumbs and fuzz and then I have to clean them all over again.


September 15
All 46 pieces of my PawPilot are laid out on the table plus I have a little chart. The chart is for putting all the pieces back together into a PawPilot which will work once again.

I have to go now. I must dress my black snake in his turtleneck sweater and take him for his walk.


September 16
Something happened to my PawPilot pieces. They have moved all around and there are some little crumbs in the little holes and now there are 47 pieces not 46. There is also one white whisker.


September 17
Today William the Dingo Dog showed up on the playground with a whole salami from the garbage! So we all had salami!


September 18
This morning I came downstairs extremely early this morning at 7 o'clock to get a good start on putting my PawPilot back together, and 16 of the smallest PawPilot pieces, they were sticking out of three yellow candy peeps sitting in a row!


September 19
This night when I was pulling cat hairs out of the PawPilot pieces with Dad's stamp collection tweezzers one of the pieces snapped in half and little wires skittled everywhere, and I had to stick them back in as best I could.


September 20
Somebody wiped his bottom on the PawPilot chart and when I asked who did it all the cats pointed at each other.


September 21
I am doomed.

I now know that I will be putting my PawPilot back together day after day for the rest of my life and probably then some.


September 22
Mom has made up another verse to that ridiculous song:

She wears a tutu!
Cuckoo wears a tutu
Like Tutu's tutu too!
Tutu's tutu's too too! As is Cuckoo's tutu too!
It's just too too too! These two with too too tutus!


September 23
Today I put my PawPilot 1/3 back together.

Now I must find a Philllips Head screwdriver. Which means I must get into Dad's drawers. I am not looking forward to that.


September 24
Fuck this PawPilot!

The screw threads got stripped right off the screw shanks and there is this big plow mark straight acrosst the dining room table where the screwdriver skidded!


September 25
Yesterday I became exceeding angry and shoved all 48 pieces of my PawPilot into a paper lunch bag and I flushed that paper bag directly down the toilet!


September 26
Today was a Bad Day.

This is on account of The Catnip Channel cancel Elvis the Pine Siskin.

Also the toilet exploded and blew PawPilot bits everywhere. Dad is ravening he takes exception when the toilet explodes he is perverse and he will not get a grip!

My life is probably officially over.


September 30
This morning I got out of bed at 5 a.m. to pack extra pickles into my lunch, and I found this on the kitchen table!

All Fixed!

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