August 1
Hooray yesterday we were eating some hot dogs, and Snooples had ketchup drops hanging all over from her whiskers and she was taking her paw and putting her whiskers in her mouth one whisker at a time and sucking off ketchup drops and then Mom says
Well children would you like to go to summer camp?
So we are all going to summer camp!
Here's the best part. We get to go to the summer camp of our choice!
Me, I don't care where we go as long as we get to do activities that are healthful and bracing!
Pia says hell with summer camp she's getting a job and earning some bucks.
Snooples wants to learn to play some French Horns. Why I don't know.
Chickenloaf, she says she wants to go to swimming camp and wear a pink rubber head.
Ben wants to spend the summer in prayer and meditation. But I don't think there's actually a camp for that.
Chessie, she wants to ride 1 small horse.
August 2
We are going through a pile of summer camp brochures and we are making three piles:
| Fun Camps | Maybe Fun Camps | No Way |
Camp Wannabee Happy Go Lucky Organic Farm Camp Spelunker's Paradise Bonanza-Reruns 1-Horse Camp Picnic at Hanging Rock Camp
|
Mideival Musical Instrument Camp Vantasia Swim Camp Mitzy's Yoga and Herbal Cure Camp Technical Rock Climbing Camp at Deadfish Quarry Milo and Otis Interminable Adventure Camp Prayer and Meditation Camp for Undersized Orange Cats |
Math Camp Spelling and Grammar Camp Golf Camp Vacation Bible School |
August 3
Hooray today we took a vote and we are all going to Happy Go Lucky Organic Farm Camp!
We are going to get to live and work on a Real Farm and drink Fresh Milk 18 times a day and also play with Baby Lambs and also make friends and sing folk songs with Nice Rustic Barn Cats and chew all the Catnip we want!
And play with Baby Lambs!
Except for Pia she got a job at Hooters.
August 4
We are packing for Summer Camp. We each have new straw hats with bows on them in fashionable colors and a new pair of Bib Overalls and sturdy Rubber Boots in fashionable colors!
Chessie asked why Rubber Boots and Pia says World of Shit.
Pia is wearing her new Hooters T-shirt which has a owl on the front with six eyes. Why six eyes I don't know.
August 5
I am writing this in a little notebook because we are in the stationwagon and it is rumbling down a dusty dirt road. There are large craggly trees reaching over the road on both sides and those trees look angry somehow.
In my luggage I have a ziplock bag with my PawPilot in it I will try to fix my PawPilot at the farm because they have lots of tools on farms. Maybe even a blacksmith fordge.
Snooples and Chessie, they have their paws and their noses pressed to the window they are counting roadkills.
Ben is meditating and making a small buzzing noise which goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
I think one of those trees just threw a apple at our stationwagon.
August 6
2:30 a.m.
Farming life it is so bracing! Here I am up already! I have already had breakfast! I am wearing my new bib overalls and new rubber boots which are daffodil yellow!
For breakfast we had bacon fat and all the turnips we wanted! Chessie shoved her turnips all over her plate in a glum manner but personally I enjoyed those turnips!
Now we will go learn to milk some cows!
It turns out that's were milk comes from, not Dad's truck!
From cows!
August 7
2 a.m.
Farm Life certainly is bracing! It is not at all like Green Acres!
Snooples and Chessie they are so sleepy they are toppling over. But soon we will all get used to Bracing Farm Life!
Yesterday we studied cow milking using small plastic cow models. Today we will milk some actual cows!
When you milk a cow it is very important not to use your claws. Or the cow will become hysterical and stomp you to death.
August 8
9 p.m.
Today the Farm Lady showed us how to milk large spotty cows.Cows here are large and spotty and look like Nini and are given to hysterics.
That Farm Lady she is huge. She wears these stockings that bag all around the ankles. Snooples calls her Elephant Legs.
Elephant Legs does not talk she bellows.
All right listen up this is the procedure! Step one! Sit under cow! What is step one?
Sit under cow.
Correct! Step two! Scrub udder with washcloth! What is step two???
Scrub udder with washcloth.
Correct! Step three! Apply suction cups!
And so on.
August 8 1/2
You would not believe how much manure is here.
Today right in the middle of Elephant Legs bellowing a long lecture about castrating bulls and pointing with her pointer to different parts of a bull, Ben who was praying and meditating and buzzing, he raises his paw and he says to Elephant Legs excuse me what is that all over your apron?
Elephant Legs says just a little chicken blood whatsa matter kid.
Chicken blood???
August 9
Today I met some barn cats. They are a tough bunch they are lanky and scabby and not clean and they don't talk much but they crack their knuckles. I asked one how he likes Bracing Farm Life and he says LIFE'S CHEAP KID.
I did not like the sound of that.
August 10
10 a.m.
I am writing this on some old tags which came off some bags of cow food. On account of yesterday I lost my notebook in a trench full of cow pee and it is drying out on the bale of hay which is my bed.
You would not believe what is in cow food!
For instance grain!
Also mollassses!
Also ground up chicken beaks!
August 11
Too tired to write alot.
Chopped and carried 24 chords of wood also some beets. Toes are purple.
August 12
Mice catching all day in barn then in chicken house then in woodshed then in corn crig.
Weakie caught most mice on account of was barn cat once. Slapped them with her big paw and that was it no more mouse.
Must go put Chessie to bed she tipped right over.
August 13
2 a.m.
Good God morning already smell of turnips cooked in bacon fat waffling up through floorboards what the
August 14
8 p.m.
Today on my 3-minute midday break I went looking for some Baby Lambs to play with. But no Baby Lambs. I asked this one tough looking cat with 3 legs and scabs all over his head and only half a ear 
Where are the Baby Lambs?
That cat he took this cruddy looking hand-rolled cigarette out of his mouth and said HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS KID.
I guess there are no Baby Lambs.
August 15
2 a.m.
Last night Snooples woke us all up yelling SQREEK SQREEK SQREEK! Then she would not stop sucking her paws.
August 16
Too busy to write have to go must help fallow some hogs.
Also throw some bales of hay at some cows.
Also dig some potatoes and peel them and starch them for supper.
Also grind up some chicken beaks in the chicken beak grinder.
Also chase goats.
Also milk 64 cows and collect their eggs.
Also haul wood.
Also weed the asperagas.
Also castrate some roosters.
Also put arch supports under 1 horse.
Only 1 second to write. Cows got out and are running around hysterically.
Later
Chased cows which ran around hysterically for 5 hours.
Then hauled 46 loads of Hay Bundles.
Then had to hunt rats in pig barn. Rats in pig barn are size of wolferines.
Weakie caught most rats.
Must file toe nails they are wrecked.
Planted alfalfa seeds today all over the goddamned place in the dirt.
Patted those seeds down with our toads. I mean our toes.
Then cows got out again and ran around hysterically. Chased cows for 6 1/2 hours.
August 19
2 a.m.
Have developed Hay Wheezes.
Chickenloaf loves Turnips however they are not to my liking. Also what the hell good is alfalfa?
August 20
? p.m. clock dead
Picked blackberries for pies today and got thorns stuck all over body.
Then cows got out again and ran around hysterically.
Then chickens with big hairdoos got out and popped up into the air.
Also turkey pups got out and swarmed everywhere and 1 drowned.
Altogether chased barnyard animals for 23 1/2 hours today.
Walked by horse crig today and one of the horses says psssssst. hey kid. so I walk over to that horse and that horse has this long nose and that horse says what will you take to get me out of this joint kid.
That horse says I'd give a kidney for one sacka good chewing tobacco.
However we are not supposed to talk to the work horses so I ran right out of that barn.
August 22
must. sleep. am. hallucinating. woollybears.
August 23
Chickenloaf is excused from work she reads to a old grandma in house and is learning how to sew.
Ben says alfalfa is good for delicious salads.
Chessie lost all 4 of her nice lavender boots manure sucked them right off the feet.
2 a.m.
Today is our day off we only have to work 13 hours today.
I will try to fix my PawPilot using the arc welder in the barn.
Later
Set silo on fire with arc welder. Everybody had to run around with a hose. Then I smacked my head on a barn beem. Lost 1 of my daffodil yellow boots in the manure.
Then cows got out and ran around hysterically.
August 25
8 p.m.
Pia showed up today! She says Hooters pays poorly plus men kept pinching her tail.
Pia says where are the baby lambs.
August 26
8 a.m.
Pia says what the hell kind of farm is this it is nothing like Green Acres. Pia says what kind of crap is this where the hell are the Baby Lambs?? What kind of farm doesn't have any Baby Lambs???
August 27
12:00 noon
Pia is right what kind of farm is this the cows get out and run around hysterically every other day oh Christ a cow just ran by the window have to
August 28
3 a.m.
Pia wrote this with something called Blue Cote on the side of the barn today:
happy go lucky organic farm camp
is none of the above
.
August 29
Dug 2 acres of red beets and subsequently had beets for supper. Better than turnips which is what we usually have but not much both suck.
Pia let that horse out.
Pia rode off on one of the tractors today when we were busy plucking and branding geese.
She says there is a real farm just down the road and it has a pond with frogs. She says all the cats there are calico and have flea collars.
Also there are real Baby Lambs. They are frisking about on lush verdant grass.
The cows, Pia says. The cows, they are nice and brown and calm.
August 29 3/4
Today when we were transplanting gooseberry bushes Pia sneaked off to the farm down the road and arrived back wearing a pink flea collar with a little bell.
She was rolling a huge wheel of cheese!
Pia says the Farm Lady there she is nice she wears trousers and a straw hat with a fashionable bow. She says welcome darling little kitty would you like a nice big wheel of cheese.
Pia got to help spray RoundUp! Then she got to make some cheese and Pia patted the cheese with her toes!
Then she got to play with some Baby Lambs!
Oh no three cows just ran hysterically past the window.
Hooray today is the last day at Happy Go Lucky Organic Farm Camp and we are all still alive! Hooray! Hooray!
We are waiting anxiously on the grass for our beloved parents! Chickenloaf is showing us this big quilt she sewed which is a pictoral map of Pennsylvania with Indians and corn and stuff.
Snooples is sucking both paws. Chessie is lying on her side in a small coma.
Pia is sitting on her wheel of cheese with her legs dangling over the side.
When this cheese is ripe we will cut the cheese!
August 31
We are back from summer camp at Happy Go Lucky Organic Farm Camp!
I have a new appreciation for home! I always thought this was a Nut House but it is pretty calm.
Chickenloaf is showing Mom and Dad her quilt which has little beads for corn kernels. Snooples is sucking only 1 paw but Chessie is still in a light coma.
Sigh.
It is good to be alive.
I guess I will go tinker with my PawPilot now.
