Gracie's World, February 2005
February 1
Everybody is reading or napping. It is a house of boring slumps.
The clock, it is ticking. It is ticking like small wire brads which are being tapped directly into my skull.
February 3
February, it is a boring and deathening month.
Other cats, they are presented with opportunities. They to go to sea on whaling ships. Or they fly space shuttles. Or they hunt mice in the Sahara Dessert whilst riding upon camels.
However not me.
Me, I must assemble a cows glandular system using modeling clay.
February 5
Modeling clay, it smells.
Modeling clay, it smells like new Troll Dolls right out of the bag.
Also modeling clay, it collects beneath the claws.
Probably I will end up crippled.
February 7
Attempting to claw modeling clay into the shape of a pituitary.
Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they are staring at a commercial about Mope's Liver Substitute. Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben: I am of the opinion that they watch too much television.
Now Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they are watching a old movie from the black and white era before earth had any color. They are watching TARSEN: VIKING OF THE JUNGLE.
Tarsen, he is wearing a helmet which has cow horns. Also a cheetah skin groin cloth. Tarsen, he is standing upon a limb of a mighty tree. He is yodeling.
This movie, it is pretty good.
February 9
Evening
Nobody knows when you're down and out!
Nobody knows when you're down and out!
Nobody knows when you're down and out!
So never be down and out!
Mounting cows glandular system upon a slab of plywood. As the cows glandular system, it was taking up the whole dining room table and Dad ordered it removed.
Snooples and Chessie are sitting cross-legged upon the Turkey Rug. They are banging upon Ninis antique bed pans with meat tongs. They are singing NOBODY KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT at the top of their lungs.
Nini is grinding up something which sounds like hatchet heads in the food blender.
Oh here comes Pia into the house. Pia is stamping the snow off her snow boots all over the kitchen floor. Pia is grumbling once again about the bass player. Pia is calling the bass player a Fuck Head.
I guess Deaf Leopard must have performed during Happy Hour at Chumps.
February 11
Making little road signs for cows glandular system. There is a Blind Curve, a Merging Lane, a Slippery When Wet, and a Picnic Area. Also a little bridge.
Next I will provide some small trees.
February 13
- 5 Degrees F
It's the bees bees bees bees
Bees bees bees!
It's the bees bees bees
In your brain!
Am shoveling path from east portch to garbage cans.
Snooples and Chessie, they are bundled up in their snow suits and they are singing IT'S THE BEES IN YOUR BRAIN at the top of their lungs and they are making a Snowman.
Charlie, he is attempting to start his Miata. However, it will not start.
Now Pia and Ben, they have their winter coats on but not buttoned. They have their boots on but not buckled. They are pushing the Miata out into the road. Charlie, he is steering the Miata.
Now they are pushing the Miata down the hill. The Miata, it is making farting noises.
Now the Miata is buzzing away.
February 15
Laying down little railroad tracks throughout cows glandular system.
February 20, 2005
Dear Muffin:
Guess what Ben had another Near Death Experience.
Pia and a bunch of her cohorts, they were having a party this past Saturday evening. Snooples made bratwurst and sauerkraut and there was a lot of beer.
Some of the White Tail Deers, they became rowdy.
Ben, he got out of bed at 1:00 in the morning. Ben wandered into the kitchen with a candle burning in the old fashioned candlestick holder which he likes to carry when he wanders around the house at night. Ben, he was wearing his old fashioned night cap with the long tassel and he was wearing his beige flannel pajamas with the little hedge hogs emboidered all over them.
Ben, he was wearing his matching hedge hog slippers.
Everybody in the kitchen, they were punching each other in a jovial manner and they were hooting and clashing their beer cans and singing along to Waylon Jennings singing LONESOME ORNERY AND MEAN upon the transistor radio.
Ben, he floats into the kitchen with his candle and he beams at everyone and he announces
Anyone care for hot milk?
There was immediate silence.
Then those White Tail Deer, they picked Ben right up out of his hedge hog slippers by the armpits and they tossed him outside into a snowbank.
Everyone gathered around on the kitchen portch. We looked for quite a long time at the cat-shaped hole in the snowbank.
Then Snooples and Chessie, they pulled on their snow boots and their snow hats with the pom poms and they clapped on their ear muffles, and they trudged up to the garden shed and they got out the snow shovels and they commenced excavating Ben from out of the snowbank.
The party, it had recommenced in an even more raucous manner when Snooples and Chessie carried Ben into the kitchen high over their heads.
Next, there was Ben lying on his back amongst the empty beer cans upon the kitchen table. Ben, he was stiff as frozen lard with his paws crossed over his chest and his eyes were pinched shut and his whiskers pointed straight up to Heaven.
Snooples and Chessie, they thawed out Ben with blow dryers.
Ben, the first thing he says after his whiskers start twitching, he says
I have seen death. It is a wheel of fragrant cheese.
Then Ben, he claps the back of his paw to his forehead and he faints dead away.
It was a intaresting evening.
Yours,
Gracie
February 25, 2005
Muffin,
The last Near Death Experience which Ben had, it was milk related also.
Yours,
Gracie
February 28
Am borrowing some of Chessies plastic farm animals with which to place here and there amongst the cows glandular system.
Here I will put a turkey. Here I will put a little flock of sheeps.
This cows glandular system, it is looking pretty good.
