November 1, 2005
Dear Gracie,
Observe the new mailing address upon the envelope you have just received. I am studying veterinary medicine in London!
Your Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin
November 3, 2005
Dear Gracie,
Here is a photograph of me in London! That is me standing next to the lamppost.
Your Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin
November 10, 2005
Dearest Gracie,
Today we dissected cats! Subsequently I learned much about the feline species.
Have you ever dissected a cat? It is most fascinating. Especially the eyeballs.
A cat can see a vole in the dark at 80 paces. Did you know this?
Your Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin Antipaloupikouidae
November 1
Early in the morning
Just got up out of bed. Still wearing cotton pajamas with fleas emboidered all over them. Am standing on toes. Am resting paws upon the windowsill. Am peering out into the dour and gloaming dawn.
Sigh.
It is only the first of November. And here it is snowing like nuts!
November 2
The Volkswagen Cathedral. It is swaddled in snow except for the stoop which the Chihuahua is sweeping.
The pipe organ. It has little yamicas of snow atop of each pipe.
Also that painted outline of the murdered vole which they discovered in the parking lot of the grocer's underneath the Spiarea bushes back in September. It is almost covered up in snow.
November 5
Evening
Studying Advanced Yellow Journalism at the dining room table. Charlie, he is building a model ship. Pia, she is reloading shells for her deer hunting rifle. Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben, they are watching The Lullaby Kittens of Skittles Hill.
It is a dumb kid movie.
Anyways must write news article in the manner of the Bloviated Pyramid.
I shall write about that vole.
UNSOLVABLE VOLE MURDER WRACKS IDYLLIC HAMLET FOUNDED BY SQUIRRELS!
There that is a good start.
I shall now go watch The Lullaby Kittens of Skittles Hill.
November 7
Playground
It is mercilessly cold also sleeting. We shall all die.
Ms. Wysiwyg, she does not care.
The little kids, they are singing TINKLE IN THE SNOW. They are making snow armadillos. There are snow armadillos standing around everywheres.
Us big kids. We are hunched around the smoking barrels. The whitetails, they are telling deer hunting jokes. They are slapping their knees and snorting at those deer hunting jokes.
Those deer hunting jokes, they are pretty funny.
Pia is chain smoking. Pia is in a bad mood.
I ask Pia Can I have a cigarette.
Pia says No you can't have a cigarette.
I tell Pia I need a cigarette.
Pia says No.
I tell Pia I do not wish to smoke a cigarette. I need to burn that cigarette for warmth.
Pia says What do I look like a vending machine. Pia says Burn your mittens why don't you.
The little kids, they are lining up at the door. The little kids, they are jumping. They are singing the theme to GRAVITY MOUSE.
I guess it is time to go inside.
November 12
Lunch Room
The vomit scouts, they are buzzing every which way upon their scooters. On account of the cooks, they are serving cabbage rolls.
What is this. A pigs foot.
I have gotten Chessies lunch box by mistake.
Uh oh. Three vomit scout scooters have collided head-on.
That is a bad vomit scout wreck.
This was bound to happen. On account of the cabbage rolls.
November 15
Observing activities underneath the Spiarea bushes using Charlies astronomical telescope.
Some cops plus a detective are looking all around the parking lot of the grocer's. That is where those chipmunks which were hiking the Appalachian Trail, they found that dead vole.
One of the cops, he is questioning a woodchuck. That woodchuck is carrying 2 paper bags of groceries. Mostly celery.
Those cops, they are large badgers. The detective however, he appears to be a ferret. That detective which appears to be a ferret, he is wearing a expensive looking suit. Plus rubbers over his wingtip shoes. Also a bowler hat.
I have never seen badgers before. They are fat.
November 17
Gymnasium Class
September and October, it was real nice weather back then. However, we had to jump rope indoors.
Now it is snowing sideways. We must stand around outside wearing snow shoes.
We must go hiking in these snow shoes.
These snow shoes, it is like wearing a screen door on each foot.
1 hour later
We are still standing around the playground in these snow shoes. As no one knows how to walk whilst wearing snow shoes.
One of the gerbils, I think it is Cake. That gerbil took 2 steps and fell face down. That gerbil is still sprawled face down in the snow. As no one can move over in that direction so as to prop the gerbil upright once again.
November 18, 2005
Dear Muffin,
That is very intaresting that you are studying to be a veterinarian.
Charlie, he studied to be a veterinarian. Now he makes BIG BUCKS.
Anyways, those little black hairs and toenails, those are vole clippings. Maybe you could do a Forensic Analysis or something on those vole clippings. As the police, they have had no luck solving the murder.
Yours Truly,
Gracie De La Rue
P.S. Since you are dissecting cats perhaps you would like me to mail you Ben.
Ben, he is kind of unusual.
November 19
Observing activities in the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes.
That detective that is perhaps a ferret. He is questioning a possum in the parking lot of the grocer's. That possum is wearing a head scarf and is pushing a baby carriage stuffed with 20 or 30 squirming baby possums
That possum, she is wringing her paws. She is shaking her head. She is dabbling her eyes with a hanky.
A baby possum, it has thrown a object out of the carriage. I shall utilize these binoculars to ascertain the nature of that mysterious object.
It is a apple.
November 20, 2005
Dear Muffin,
I have Ben trussed up in duct tape. I will mail him whenever you are ready.
Yours,
G.D.L
November 22
Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf, they are outside making snow armadillos. They are singing happy Christmas carols. I can see their breaths.
However I cannot go outside. As am grounded for a indefinite period of time. On account of trussing up Ben in duct tape and shoving Ben into the mail box.
November 23
Boiling noodles for supper.
Everyone else, they are outside playing with Snow Faddles. Even Pia, she is playing with Snow Faddles.
I am not playing with Snow Faddles.
November 24
Trussing up Ben in duct tape and shoving Ben into the mailbox.
That seemed like a pretty good idea at the time.
Ben, he thought so too.
November 26
Here is a good thing: Pia is outside chipping ice with a shovel.
Pia is outside chipping ice with a shovel on account of I cannot go outside for probably 50 years. On account of I am grounded until Bens fur grows back which came off when we removed the duct tape.
Ben, he does not mind having only a few tufts of fur.
On account of this gives Ben the chance to pretend he has a mortal disease.
November 27
Watching Pia with new spotting scope purchased on eBay.
Pia, she is chipping ice again. Pia, she is grumbling and swearing and chipping ice.
Uh oh. Pia's iPaw, it has fallen to the ground.
Pia has accidentally chopped her iPaw in half with the shovel.
Pia has just hurtled the 2 halves of the iPaw into the road.
There goes the snowplow with the 2 halves of the iPaw.
Well that is the last of the iPaws.
November 30, 2005
Attn. Santa Claus:
Do you take rush orders. We have a serious situation here.
No iPaws.
Yours,
Gracie De La Rue
P.S. I have been pretty good except for the Ben thing.
