June 1
There is a new high-rise apartment building in the neighboroood under the Spiraea bushes.
That apartment building, it is 158 stories tall. It is constructed of haphazard sticks. The top story, it is way up in the branches of the Norway maple.
That high rise, it is owned by Mimulus Beak. He is standing on the sidewalk handing out pamphlets.
hey stupid. what's your secret?
Mr. Beak, he is addressing a sparrow. He is handing that sparrow a pamphlet.
That sparrow, he looks befuddled.
June 2
That high-rise apartment made of haphazard sticks, it is stuffed with birds of various sorts. Most of those birds, they are sparrows. But they are not all sparrows. There are some nutheads. Also some woodpeckers and robins. There is a cardinal which oversees the goings on at the Volkswagen Cathedral. Also there are some chickadees which have a piano.
The 78th floor, it has a dozen or so Orioles. Those Orioles, they knit handbags which they sell.
That high rise apartment building, it is sagging from all the birds.
June 5
Mowing around the Gerbera beds with a rattly old motorless lawn mower. On account of the power mower, its blade is mangled.
Afterwards must dandle the cucumbers.
Pia and Chessie, they are no help.
Pia and Chessie, they are stretched out upon the Chaise Lounges. They appear to be unconscious. Cucumber slices are where Chessie's eyes should be.
A lone inflatable rubber duck bobs drearily at the edge of the wading pool.
June 7
Pia and Chessie, they are sprawled upon the Chaise Lounges once again.
Both have cucumber slices where the eyes are supposed to be.
I will tiptoe over and lift one of the cucumber slices. In order to ascertain as to whether Chessie is actually asleep.
There is Chessies glowering eyeball.
I will return to fenestrating the rose bushes.
June 9
It is laundry day in the high rise apartment building stuffed with birds. Dozens of bird size sleeveless T-shirts hang from criss-crossed clothes lines.
A Cedar Waxwing is pinning up dishtowels the size of of chewing gum sticks.
A Evening Grosbeak wearing a smoking jacket, he is sitting on a teak deck chair upon his balcony. He is drinking Scotch from a ornate glass. The butler, who is a dung beetle, is fluffing a collection of red ascots. That dung beetle is pinning those ascots to a clothes tree which spins.
got a beak? chew FLAV-O-BEAK.
Mimulus Beak, he is perched upon his balcony rail. Mimulus Beak, he is speaking into a megaphone.
he's a shitty rabbit. he's an eaglet chick. whichever. saddle up!
A finch is scraping old sauerkraut out of a fry pan on the 57th floor.
it is deliberate. deliberate! forget it!
Now Mimulus Beak, he is hopping up and down upon his balcony rail.
snakes. delinquent SNAKES!
HEY MOCKING BIRD NOBODY IS LISTENING SO WHY DO YOU SCREECH.
you listening? vewwy goooood! brrrrrrp. brrrrrrp. brrrrrrp. brrrrrrp. brrrrrrp.
June 11
PIA YOU MUST RELINQUISH THE CHAISE LOUNGE. I AM IN NEED OF TANNING MY ANKLES.
However Pia does not listen. Chessie simply lies there beneath her oatmeal-pear-seed-epsom-salt beauty mask. Tomato slices are where the eyes are supposed to be.
I will lift Pias earphones and shout.
YOU HAVE LAIN UPON THE CHAISE LOUNGE SINCE MAY 30. I AM IN NEED OF BRONZING MY STOMACH FUR.
Buzz off Rabbit Head. I'm listening to The Cure.
yeah buzz off rabbit head. we are listening to the cure.
Pia has painted her hind toenails Deadly DeWormer with sparkles. Chessie has painted her hind toenails the same. Little foam cylinders are wedged between all 20 toes.
June 13
Snooples, she is dressed in her lime green bathing suit with the little skirt. Snooples is assiduously scrubbing the wading pool with both paws wrapped around a large and sopping sponge.
Pia and Chessie, they are stretched out upon the Chaise Lounges. Pia and Chessie are wearing chamomile-apricot-sea salt facial wraps. They are wearing matching white terrycloth turbans bundled about the ears.
little kid! voulez vous karaoke?
Snooples pays the Mockingbird no mind.
Now Snooples is rinsing the wading pool with a old galvanized calf bucket. Snooples is serenely singing DONA NOBIS PACEM.
Now Snooples is filling the wading pool with sparkling fresh water from the garden hose.
CHESSIE DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO WELD TOGETHER A SOUSAPHONE OR SOMETHING.
Pia and Chessie, they do not even flinch.
Now Snooples is helping the toads into their bathing suits.
June 14
PIA WE ARE DUE AT MRS. VERJUICE'S RESIDENCE IN 20 MINUTES. YOU MUST MAKE HASTE.
Pia and Chessie, they are once again comatose upon the Chaise Lounges. They are wearing matching red butterfly shaped sunglasses. Those sunglasses are festooned with glistening jewels.
I HAVE PACKED UP THE TRUCK WITH THE LAWN TOOLS. I HAVE FILLED THE CANTEENS WITH LEMON FIZZ.
Apparently Pia and Chessie, they have become dead.
I shall stamp my foot.
Buzz off, Rubber Cow Head.
yeah buzz off rubber cow head.
jack the ripper's for real, you know!
THIS IS NOT YOUR AFFAIR MR. BEAK.
he's a sneaky jaybird. he's into kick boxing!
I shall go to Mrs. Verjuice's house myself. I shall leave Pia and Chessie here to rot.
June 15
Tilling the sweet corn patch with a large-wheeled walking cultivator from bygone days at the homestead of Vladimir Polesaw.
Chickenloaf, she is thinning the carrots using needle nose pliers. Snooples is feeding parsnips to the baby dwarf goats.
Ben, he is wearing his cowboy outfit with the fancy shirt with lariats emboidered all over it plus his 2-gallon hat. Ben is riding upon Vladimir Polesaw's miniature horse Anastasia Romanov. Ben is trotting Anastasia Romanov around and around the paddock. Ben, he is singing the theme song to Rawhide. In a deep and booming voice.
Vladimir Polesaw, he is wearing a white apron over his denimn bib overalls. Vladimir Polesaw, he is building a nice wood fire in the brick fireplace in the setting garden.
Later we will have Filet Mignons and fresh corns. Also hot blueberry bumble buns.
June 17, 2005
Dear Muffin,
You may be interested to know that me and Snooples and Chickenloaf are earning a shitload of money this summer.
This is on account of me and Snooples and Chickenloaf are handling all of Pia's yardwork clienteles. On account of Pia wishes to spend the summer tanning.
Anyways I am going to buy a Humvee.
Yours,
Gracie
June 18, 2005
Muffin,
Do you have Mockingbirds over there. I am just curious.
Mockingbirds, they are useless nonsequitors. Mockingbirds, however, tend to infuse a lot of capital into the local economy.
Mockingbirds, they are Old Money. Not like chickadees.
Yours,
Gracie
June 20, 2005
Muffin,
How do you get mice out of a pipe organ.
I tried setting a old tire ablaze and smoking the mice out.
However, one of the mice had a heart attack. Then all the rest got hysterical.
Yours,
Gracie
June 22
Watering and deadheading Ninis coleus plants. Snooples is assisting.
HOLD THE PINKING SHEARS WITH BOTH PAWS SNOOPLES.
remember this! there is great evil!
IGNORE THE MOCKINGBIRD. HE IS BEING NONSENSICAL.
oooooh! a meat kitten!
YOU HAD BEST GO INSIDE, SNOOPLES.
June 23
Pia and Chessie, they are stretched out upon the Chaise Lounges once again. Pia and Chessie have their ears swaddled in lavender-scented aroma therapy towels. They are wearing lavender-rhubarb mud packs upon their faces. Turnip slices are where the eyes are supposed to be.
Mice carrying paper grocery sacks are hopping over Pias and Chessies ankles on their way back and forth from the Pipe Organ to the grocery store under the Spiraea bushes.
There goes a small mouse clutching a baguette.
June 24
Evening
We are all watching Hellllamas From Elmira. Except for Chickenloaf who is reading the scary best seller Araconda. Chickenloaf refuses to put that book down. It is the scariest book ever.
The Aracondas, they amble along in single file. It is terribly scary.
The chickens get it in the end.
That is what Pia says as she files her claws. Pia claims she has read that book already but I don't know. The rest of us are waiting our turn.
June 25
Polishing albino egg plants in Nini's vegetable patch.
Am somewhat befuddled as could not sleep after staying up late watching Hellllamas From Elmira. Keep dropping egg plants. Am anticipating settling down for a nice nap.
PIA AND CHESSIE ONE OF YOU MUST RELINQUISH A CHAISE LOUNGE. YOU CHOOSE.
Buzz off Ptarmigan Head.
yeah buzz off ptarmigan head.
HOW ABOUT IF I SHOVE ONE OF THESE EGGPLANTS -
peace, brother! potato chip?
STAY OUT OF THIS MR. BEAK.
Pia and Chessie, they are slathered with Soothing Oil of Hatian Coconuts Beauty And Bath Treatment For Brittle Fur. Beefsteak tomato slices are where Pias and Chessies eyes are supposed to be.
Pia and Chessie, they are sipping through bendable straws some festive pale blue drinks decorated with colorful paper umbrellas and plastic palm trees.
THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE DADS GOOD GIN.
Now Pia and Chessie, they are slurping their festive drinks like cows. Pia just belched in the manner of a jackhammer.
Sigh.
I shall go coat the lifesize platic deer with Armor All.
June 27
Am serving as governess on behalf of Snooples and Chessie, as everyone else has gone to the Garter Snake Festival. Except for Pia who is rehearsing with the new Reggae band Cat Hair Killed My Rombo.
Snooples and Chessie, they seem to be very quiet at the moment. I shall seize this opportunity to take a nice swim in the wading pool, then lie upon one of the comfortable Chaise Lounges.
I shall now stroll out of doors with a mayonnaise sandwich, a chilled glass of Clamato, and a fluffy towel draped over one arm.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE BEN.
Ben and Chessie are stretched out upon the Chaise Lounges. Andean jaw harp solos twang from Ben's iPaw speakers.
CHESSIE AND BEN THOSE ARE NINIS GOOD PORKCHOPS.
Chessie does not stir. Ben lifts a pork chop, peers in my direction, then flops back upon his plastic pillow, heaving a weary sigh.
Nearby, Snooples is pensively rescuing drowning bees from the wading pool with a spatula.
CHESSIE AND BEN YOU MUST FORSAKE THE LAWN FURNITURE NOW. A RAGING BRUSH FIRE IS SWEEPING IN YOUR DIRECTION.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
bzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
I shall leave Chessie and Ben to their buzzing.
I shall investigate as to whether the mail has arrived.
June 28, 2005
Dear Gracie,
Your ambition to become a corporate lawyer is most noble. I think you will make a fine and admirable lawyer!
I can see you now, striding briskly with your slender calfskin briefcase. Indicating complex charts with a laser pointer at the head of a room full of grim-faced tomcats in gray suits. Pounding the boardroom table with your fist! "Confound it, we stand to lose big on this deal if we persist in ignoring the cheese suppliers!"
Perhaps you would consider serving as a corporate lawyer here in my country! Here, corporate lawyers are rare, as they tend to come up missing.
Yours Truly,
Muffin
June 26
Assisting Nini with trimming the Clematis Whiskers.
Some dumb little birds are hopping up and down and cheeping at us. They are pointing frantically at the high-rise apartment building under the Norway maple.
Nini explains that those are Juvenile Phoebe Pups.
HEY JUVENILE PHOEBE PUBS WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB AND STOP PESTERING US.
Hey Beavo! You listening?
STUFF IT, BEAK.
Nini is humming the theme from Gone With the Wind. Bumblebees are buzzing around the enormous plastic gerbera daisies upon Ninis straw hat.
June 30
kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble
Am scrubbing blue-green algae off the life size plastic deer.
kibble kibble kibble kibble kibble
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING ELSE.
kibble kibble kibble ...
