September 5
First Day of School
5:55 a.m.
Paddling 'mongst a populous school of ocean dwelling Hoot Owls. Is difficult to keep up with the ocean dwelling Hoot Owls. As they are swift and silent swimmers.
Also, am wearing this enormous snowmobile suit.
That is interesting. Have not seen a underwater Bowling Alley before. What is that cataclysmic noise.
Oh it is the clock radio playing Porno For Pyros.
6:05 a.m.
j'ai oublié le balai! les cornichons mal!
I shall kick the leg of Chessies bedstead.
CHESSIE YOU MUST ATTAIN CONSCIOUSNESS.
Now Chessie is staggering with eyes pinched shut across the room. Chessie is weaving down the hall. Chessie is dragging all her sheets and blankets.
6:10 a.m.
Must comb head fur and brush teeths and gargle.
However, the bathroom door, it is shut.
Chessie has wadded up her sheets and blankets into a ball upon the floor outside the bathroom. Chessie is curled up asleep upon her balled up sheets and blankets upon the floor.
6:27 a.m.
The bathroom door. It is still shut. Seven of us are standing in a row in our bathrobes. Chessie is sprawled upon her stomach over the pile of sheets and blankets.
I shall bang upon the bathroom door.
RELINQUISH THE PREMISIS. THIS IS THE POLICE.
Pia has kicked open the door.
Aaagh!
It is Ben wearing a ruffled cap. Up to his neck in a bubble bath.
6:45 a.m.
Rummaging for navy blue leotards in laundry basket.
Here are the navy blue leotards. However one foot has been scissored off.
Will have to wear ridiculous new pantsuit which Nini picked out instead of plaid jumper.
6:57 a.m.
This new pantsuit. It is ridiculous.
It is of a slippery and altogether unwholesome fabric. It is the color of overripe apricots. It zips all the way up the front like a astronaut suit.
The legs. They are bell bottoms with huge cuffs which are the circumference of New Guniea.
Also this pantsuit, it binds beneath the armpits.
6:32 a.m.
The zipper. It is stuck.
I guess I will have to stay home.
6:45 a.m.
Standing at bus stop in drizzling rain.
Stomach fur sticking out among zipper teeths.
Chessie and Snooples, they are wearing matching new yellow rain coats and rain boots and rain hats with ladybugs all over them. Snooples is hugging her new plaid rucksack. Snooples is singing DOMINIQUE. In a quiet voice all to her own self.
Chessie is glum. Automobiles are whisking by through the rain puddles in a sorrowful manner.
Oh great a cloud has bursted. We are getting drenched.
Good gracious Chessie is actually sucking her thumb.
CHESSIE YOU MUST NOT SUCK YOUR THUMB. IT IS IMMORAL.
it is of no consequence!
Chessie has desisted in the pursuance of thumb sucking just long enough to say this.
CHESSIE YOU HAVE NOT SUCKED YOUR THUMB SINCE YOU WEIGHED 7 OUNCES. WHY RESUME NOW.
Chessie is scowling like a tornado. Chessie is scuffing her new rain boots upon the gravel.
Here comes the bus careering around the bend on it's left-hand tires.
7:10 a.m.
Walter Whitman the bus driver, he sure is in a good mood.
Walter Whitman, he is singing ROLL OUT THE OLD HUBBARD SQUASH. A bunch of young marmots in the front rows, they are banging their thermos bottles together and they are singing along.
Walter Whitman, he is a little drunk.
September 6
Gym Class
We all must skip rope.
Am standing with toes splayed upon skip rope whilst clutching both handles in paws. Have no inkling as to how to begin.
The woodchuck pups, they are rolling their skip ropes into balls. The gerbils, they are shredding their skip ropes to fuzz. Snooples is attempting to push her skip rope across the floor.
Ben, he has wrapped himself up in his skip rope. Ben has pinched shut his eyes. Ben has lapsed into a trance.
The whitetail deers, they have fashioned their skip ropes into lairats. They are whooping and hollering and they are roping each other with their lariats.
The dwarf goats, they have swallowed their skip ropes. They are bouncing on their hoofs all around the gymnasium.
September 7
Gym Class
Chessie, she will not skip rope.
Chessie has thrown her skip rope into a heap upon the linoleum squares. Chessie has folded her arms in a sullen manner.
Chessie has kicked the heaped up skip rope with the toe of her sneaker. The skip rope, it lies there in the manner of a slaughtered snake.
Ms. Bütts-Münch, she does not notice. Ms. Bütts-Münch, she is playing RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY COMPUTER MANUALS upon the strangled-sounding old piano.
The rest of us, we are attempting to skip rope. It is not pretty.
Except for Chickenloaf and Snooples. Chickenloaf and Snooples, they have successfully mastered the skipping of ropes. They are skipping rope in an elaborate and spritely manner. Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are chanting a mysterious skip rope incantation.
One feets!
Three feets!
Five feets!
Seven feets!
Eleven feets!
Thirteen feets!
Seventeen feets!
Twenty-three feets!
Chessie has stomped out of the gymnasium.
September 8
5:57 a.m.
sauvez les vaches! le kayak! il descend!
CHESSIE REMOVE THE THERMAL BLANKET FROM OVER TOP YOUR HEAD.
stand en arrière! je ne pardonnerai jamais le snowman!
CHESSIE YOU MUST WAKE UP.
What the hell just went past the bedroom door.
Oh it is Ben dragging a loaf of Wonder Bread in its bag down the hall.
September 9
Advanced Yellow Journalism Class
9:30 a.m.
Have been forced to wear ridiculous pant suit for 9 days straight. As zipper is stuck in stomach fur.
Ms. Wysiwyg, she is writing the Six Rules of Wild Speculation upon the blackboard.
Snooples, she is in the next seat over. Snooples is wearing Chickenloaf's faded and threadbare bumblebee corderouys and one of Charlies old crab's wool sweaters. The sleeves, they cover Snooples paws. Snooples is feeding a saltine cracker to her toad William.
2 seats over, Chessie is writing furiously in her journal.
Me, I am watching the back of Bens neck.
The back of Ben's neck. It is orange and distracting.
The back of Bens neck, it clashes with Bens purple neck scarf featuring ponies. Bens neck, it practically glows.
Also Ben appears to have applied some sort of pomade to his head fur.
I shall stick some mechanical pencil leads into Bens neck fur.
10:20 a.m.
Sticking mechanical pencil leads into Bens neck fur, it is entertaining.
Am considering how many mechanical pencil leads I can stick into Bens neck fur before the bell rings.
Now Ms. Wysiwyg, she is diagramming the yellow journalistic manner of organizing material known as the Bloviated Pyramid. Snooples is giving William a drink from her chocolate milk carton.
Bens neck fur. It is bristling with mechanical pencil leads.
September 10
Advanced Yellow Journalism Class
Am sticking wet Gummy Bears all over the back of Bens head.
Huh. Everyone is staring in my direction. Apparently I have been called upon to answer a question.
UM JUST A MINUTE.
Am flipping madly through textbook. Giggles rippling across the classroom.
Citizen Kane!
Chickenloaf is jumping up and down in her seat and is waving her paw and is yelling Citizen Kane.
Damn that was close.
Uh oh there goes Snooples toad William hopping up the aisle.
September 14
Gym Class
We are doing aerobics.
Aerobics, it is bouncing around and kicking in the manner of a bluejay. It is stupid.
September 17, 2005
Hello Muffin guess what.
Pia now is in posession of a actual drivers license.
Charlie, he has handed over his Miata to Pia. So Pia, she also has a car.
That Miata, it is missing a lot of paint on one side. On account of the snow plow. Otherwise, it is mostly OK.
Charlie, he has got himself a Mini Cooper.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
September 18, 2005
Dear Muffin,
It is not necessarily a good thing. That Pia has a drivers license plus a car, I mean.
Especially as the speedometer, it is stuck at 42 miles per hour.
Pia, she has lead foots.
Yours,
Gracie
September 20, 2005
Dear Muffin,
Saturday nights, Pia, she drives that Miata around full of drunk Clydesdales. They play Pearl Jam loud upon the cassette player. They throw beer cans at lawn ornaments.
Sometimes they take Ben. I do not know why.
Yours,
GDL
September 22, 2005
Dear Muffin,
Ben, he sets between the Clydesdales. Ben, he beams happily and drinks Yoo Hoo through a straw. Ben, he attempts to jolly those Clydesdales with horse jokes. This pisses them off.
Yours,
Gracie
September 25
9 a.m.
Eighth grade: It is a toilsome death march into the Bludgeons of Hell.
However, it is now the weekend. That is pretty good.
Am standing in bedroom in pajamas. Am scissoring ridiculous new pantsuit into polyester confetti.
September 26
Noon
Have been slaving for hours at rolling butternut squashes out of Ninis vegetable garden whilst Snooples and Chessie and Ben have been picking orchard apples and Chickenloaf has been harvesting grapes.
Nini is mulching the brussels sprouts. Nini, she is singing PLANTON LA VIGNE.
September 27
Entering 5th hour of digging rhutabagas whilst Nini snips the Akebia vines.
Paws are sodden and laden with mud. Spine feels as though I may snap into two pieces.
September 28
Sawing necks of giant purple cabbages whilst Nini deadheading the dahlias. Nini, she is humming THE BEAGLE OF NEW ORLEANS.
September 29
Standing at bus stop in drizzling rain once again. Even Snooples appears to be sunk in gloom. Droplets of rain form upon Snooples whiskers and drip morosely onto her red sneakers.
Pia's Miata just roared past. Pia and a bunch of white tail deer, they are skipping school. They are driving up north to do some hunting.
Sigh.
I wish I was driving north to do some hunting.
September 30
Taking small break from digging yams. Am observing activities in neighborhood under Spiarea bushes. Am adjusting viewfinder of Charlies Hasselblad. In order to obtain a better view.
Huh. There appears to be a dead vole lying on its back in the parking lot of the grocer.
I shall now photograph that dead vole.
