May 1
Snooples and Chessie are dressed in their pajamas and gym sneakers. They are playing Scrabble upon the Turkey Rug.
FORBBUSTLE CANNOT BE FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY SNOOPLES. YOU KNOW THIS.
Now Snooples and Chessie are speeding about upon their old tricycles with the nerve-jangling chimes attached to the wheels.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THOSE TRICYCLES. YOU WILL CRUSH THEM.
The COBOL homework which Weakie has assigned. It is giving me a pinchy headache.
Now Snooples and Chessie are playing Nini's Pavarotti LPs at 78 rpm They are accompanying this by jumping up and down on Ben's accordion.
I think I will go cook some hot dogs.
May 3, 2005
Muffin,
About that pickup truck.
You will want to use a heaver engine oil. As you are in a warmer climate.
Also you will want to attend to all the rust holes. Dad did not do a good job of this.
Some of those rust holes, you can put your toes right through the rust holes. Then, there is the wind whistling along between the undercarriage and the road, and your toes, they become chilly. Pia and me, we used to do this on long trips.
Also Pia and me, we would sneak brussels sprouts and Wasabi peas and coffee beans out of the grocery bags and we would drop them through the rust holes so that they would roll all over Interstate 80.
Those rust holes. They are a HAZARD.
Also be sure to keep the radiator topped off.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
May 5
Raining. The eaves of the Pipe Organ. They are dripping in the rain.
It is just as well. As I must compose a poem for Rod McKuen For All Occasions class.
Snooples and Chessie, they are once again playing Scrabble upon the Turkey Rug.
SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE THE MONOPOLY PIECES DO NOT BELONG UPON THE SCRABBLE BOARD.
but we are able to spell slatternlyflatironvisage!
sequinboygeorgetophat!
deadscottishterrierroadsterkill!
stinkoracehorsemorsel!
I am going to write my poem for Rod McKuen For All Occasions class out upon the West Portch.
May 7
Evening
Helping Nini with planting the Gerbera daisies.
My mission, it is to pick up the fallen twigs and leaves which have fallen during the long cold wintertime. Nini, she follows behind on her knees with her trowel and a sixpack of Gerbera daisies.
Nini, she is wearing her customary enormous straw hat which is festooned with plastic flowers. Nini, she is alternately humming and singing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING.
NINI HERE ARE SOME DEAD RABBIT BONES.
Alas! Literature instructs us at such times. We must heed the wisdom of McMurtry. We must ride off from death! We shall cleave to the words of Adams. We shall recall the Song of the Rabbit. For this rabbit shall never sing again.
OKAY.
Here comes the mail man in his Dodge Dart. I will investigate as to what we have received in the mail.
May 9, 2005
Dear Gracie,
I arrived home from classes at La Université to discover that your gift of the Nissan Pickup carburetor had arrived in the mail!
Patrice is already fashioning a new gasket for the carburetor from the leather of an elderly saddle. We shall give the previous carburetor away to be used as a cooking pot.
Patrice is excellent with the mechanicals. He will soon have the Nissan Pickup operating as well as new. Then we shall be able to haul pumpkins all the way to Dakar!
Here is some more good news: Classes at La Université have expanded greatly, and there are three new professors. One is an Ibex!
Now I may obtain a veterinary medicine degree without traveling to England or France. This is a great comfort, as I need not travel away from our little farm by the river.
I am much pleased to hear that your studies at school have gone so well and that you are now planting Gerbera crops. Congratulations upon receiving the Youth Kitten Leadership Award!
Now I must go as the little ones will soon be home from grammar school. Also, the chickens are running free near the river and have not yet been fed.
Until next time ...
Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,
Muffin
P.S. I seem to have not remembered my manners. We are most extremely grateful to you and your friend J.C. Whitney for the fine carburetor. We have written a song about it!
P.P.S At your convenience, I would be interested to learn more about the agronomical characteristics of Gerbera crops.
May 12
Raining.
Ninis Gerbera daisies, they are drooping morosely in the rain.
Am attempting to read 100 Years of Solitude.
However it is too much like life here in this house. What with Snooples eating fuzz off the floor.
Sigh.
I will go download a Hank III album on my iPaw.
May 16, 2005
Dear Apple Computer,
This iPaw, it is pretty nice.
However I need to know what to do when it accidentally gets cooked in a crockpot with a bunch of kielbasa.
Yours Truly,
Gracie De La Rue
A Sixth-Grade Kid
May 22
Raining.
The lawnmower which Pia could not start and which Pia stomped away from swearing three days ago, it is glistening in the rain.
Also the windows on Moms truck, they are down and the truck is filling up with rain. I wonder if Mom knows about that.
Oh well.
I guess I will go watch Amazing Clobber Machines on the History Channel.
May 27, 2005
Dear Muffin,
It is raining like hell here once again in case you did not know.
When it is not raining here it is snowing or hailing or blowing fog some damned thing.
Does it precipitate over there if not do you have a spare room.
Yours Truly,
Gracie De La Rue
May 29
Lunch Room
It is the last day of school for the entire school year. Which means the kids, they are performing the End of School Pageant.
Ben, he is the stage hand.
Some little kids, they are on stage dressed up as bumblebees. They are trotting around in some sort of choreographed dance singing incomprehensibly and they are spinning lace-trimmed parasols.
Pia is setting in the chair adjacent to my chair. Pia has her elbow on her knee and her chin clamped in her paw. Pia is drumming all 10 of her hind toenails upon the linoleum.
I must jab Pia with my foot.
PIA I INSIST THAT YOU STOP RADIATING BOREDOM. THESE CHILDREN ARE TOMORROW'S YOUTH.
Everybody is turning around and shushing in our direction.
Now Chessie is standing at the front and center of the stage clutching a sheaf of mimeographed pages. Chessie is wearing a Indian dress with frindges. Also a headband which pinches her ears together and which sprouts a single Indian feather.
Chessie is trembling from head to foot.
THE SONG OF HAIWATHA
SCREEEEEEEECHHHHHH
BY MR. HENRY WADSWORTH —
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHH
Ben, he is rushing to adjust the screetching microphone.
However, it is too late. Chessie has fainted over backwards. The pages of The Song of Hiawatha, they flutter down like autumn leafs all around Chessie unconscious upon the stage.
The curtain abruptly closes.
There is a lot of thumping and dragging going on behind the curtain. Something like a bass drum seems to be rolling around.
Now the curtain is opening. There is Ben on stage looking startled and carrying a naked lady mannequin.
The curtain hurriedly closes.
More thumping and dragging and rolling.
Fuck this I'm going for a smoke.
Now the adjacent chair, it is empty.
The curtains, they are gliding open on a tropical scene. Umbrellas painted like palm trees are dangling from the ceiling. Plywood volcanoes are standing in the background. The lady mannequin is standing off to the side and is dressed in a grass skirt and a coconut brazeer. The lady mannequin's hands are poised weirdly in mid-air like mannequins' hands in department stores.
Here comes Porcine Abelmury and Virginia Ham the pig cousins onto the stage. They are wearing mumus. They are wearing ropes of plastic flowers around their necks.
They are singing a medley from South Pacific.
One of the plywood volcanoes just fell over.
Maybe I will go stand outside with Pia and take up smoking.
The curtain is closing once again. Something that sounds like a treadle sewing machine is grinding around behind the curtain.
Now some gerbil kids wearing gleaming white sneakers and clutching song books, they are standing in a fidgety row and they are singing IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL.
This will be a good time to leave. As I have to pee.
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain where you are as the next performance is to honor soldiers everywhere.
Ben is dragging the curtain closed. More thumping and rolling.
The curtain has opened upon a red white and blue sequined grand piano.
Here comes Nini. Nini has seated herself at the piano. Here comes Bing Hamton with his bugle.
Here comes Snooples wearing a little flag sash and a red beret. I might have known.
Ben is hurrying onto stage to lower the microphone to Snooples height.
ahem!
Snooples is clasping the microphone stand between her paws. The audience is deathly silent.
HOORAY FOR THE FLAG OF THE FREE!
MAY IT WAVE AS OUR BLANDISH FOREVER!
THE GEM OF THE LAND AND THE BEES......!
May 31
Well, school is over once again.
I think I will go lounge in the yard with my Nancy Drew mystery.
However both Comfy Chaise Lounges are already taken.
Pia is stretched out on one Comfy Chaise Lounge in a pink bikini. Pia is wearing yellow sunglasses with circular frames. Pia is reading Cosmopolitan.
Chessie is stretched out in the other Comfy Chaise Lounge. Chessie is wearing the same type of circular yellow sunglasses. Chessie is wearing her Scooby Doo bathing suit. It is a little tight under the armpits this year.
Chessie is sound asleep.
PIA AND CHESSIE YOU HAVE USED ALL THE TANNING OIL UPON YOUR OWN FURS. NOW I SHALL HAVE NO TANNING OIL. I SHALL SCORCH.
Buzz off I'm reading about tummy tucks.
Pia lights a unfiltered Camel and slumps even farther down into the Comfy Chaise Lounge.
Chessie is twitching and mumbling The Song of Hiawatha in her sleep.
