Thursday, July 1
Today Ben got very hysterical and started yowling all around the house. We asked him what's wrong and he said he was in heat! I asked what's that and Pia and Chickenloaf fell into a giggling fit and Ben couldn't answer he got all confused! Why am I always the last to know stuff?
Friday, July 2
Mom and Dad found this really weird thing in the yard! Mom says it's a Persian kitten but it looks like a Monkey! It came up to the window and peered in and terrified Weakie it had big bulging eyes and NO NOSE WHATSOEVER! I hope I don't have bad dreams tonight!
Saturday, July 3
Mom picked up the Persian thing and took it away! She says she found it a nice home but who would want something that looks like a martian? I had a bad dream last night that the Persian Thing was licking my head and I tried to run away but my feet were stuck in mud then it mewed and its voice was supersonic and all the windows in the house broke and then I realized I was all alone in front of a lot of people and I didn't have any fur on and I was so embarrassed! Ben says later he will psychoanalize me but not right away because he's filling out a card to buy a hair dressing kit!
Sunday, July 4
Tonight we got to watch the fireworks from the big picture window! They were like big crabs in the sky! Nini said they were just as beautiful as the fireworks she's watched over the Seine when she lived in the houseboat with Anais Nin!
Dad wouldn't let us watch the fireworks until we sang the National Antler! He taught us the words but Ben's voice kept cracking on the word "free!" until Weakie lost patience and slapped him, and Pia showed off by singing it three octaves above everybody else! Then Dad made us take the Plegallegence. That's that thing about purple mouseheads and witches standing.
Monday, July 5
Today Mom got really mad at me because I caught a mouse and I ate it and threw it up and she could still see the head and whiskers and feet! Also the kidneys! She said it was a wonder it wasn't still twitching! Weakie saw it and said eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! Pia said it was just like that snake scene in South Park! I am so embarrassed! I don't think I can ever bring myself to eat a mouse again!
Tuesday, July 6
That's it. I'm swearing off mice. I caught another mouse and I was going to eat it and Mom said I'll take that thank you very much and she picked it up by the tail and threw it outside! Now some dumb fat possum or some stupid owl with white pants is going to eat my mouse!
Then she said she'd give me five dollars if I put it in my journal so I am doing it because I am really hard up for money! Life is really bad around here! I just thought you readers out there should know that!
Thursday, July 8
Dad found out I need money and he gave me a job! Now I take care of his bootlaces! When he's tying his laces I'm supposed to bounce around his feet and grab the laces! It's challenging work but there is a lot of career potential!
Friday, July 9
That's it!!! I'm not catching another damned mouse! I finally caught the mouse with the white feet and Dad took it away while it was still alive and having its little nervous breakdown and he plugged the mouse hole! He said you don't want to eat that mouse what do you want, WORMS? I don't want worms I just want to eat a mouse! What ever happened to gratitude? What ever happened to raison d'etre?
Saturday, July 10
Ben's hairdressing kit came today! He is so excited! There are these scissors and combs and all these little pink bottles! He got right to work on Chickenloaf and gave her a spike haircut like Annie Lenox! But he bleached her fur a little too much and now it's sort of pink looking but Chickenloaf likes it!
Sunday, July 11
Today Dad let Ben work on his hair! Ben made Dad a really tall bouffante! Chickenloaf says Dad looks glorious! Mom says he's never looked better!
Monday, July 12
Today Mom was making breakfast and singing this song!
Nini's always blowing bubbles,
Ben is always laying poops!
Charlie's always making 911 calls,
And Chickenloaf wears tacky suits!*
*Sung to "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
Tuesday, July 13
Speaking of really good music, Pia finally got a recording contract for her song "Weepy"! It's a great song! She sings it really really high and there's a bongo playing through the whole thing! It's a cha cha! Here are the lyrics!
You make me very very Weepy!
So weepy for your love!
You make me positively weepy!
So weepy for your love!
When you leave me sitting in the dustballs alone,
It's like ear mites in my ears!
When love is just a meatless chicken bone,
I paddle in a pool of tears!
You make me absolutely weepy!
So weepy for your love!
So weeeeeeeeeeepy for your looooooooooooooooove!!!
Wednesday, July 14
Met with Deep Throat today. Says he found Dad's diary, and it reveals that we're all being raised for MEAT! I have to go tell everybody! Swallow this after you read it!
Thursday, July 15
Ben is so cool! He's getting really good with his hair dresser kit and he helped Pia cover her bald spots! He made Dad a beehive hairdo! With real hornets!
Friday, July 15
Met with Deep Throat today. He showed me this page out of Dad's journal!
I have to tell everyone that Dad is raising us for meat! Before it's too late!!! But I can't get out of the room because Nini's laying on her back wtih her legs in the air right in the middle of the doorway!
Saturday, July 16
Pia and Mom have this game they play where Mom opens the cupboard door that's really high in the corner of the kitchen where they keep the Grape Nuts and Pia goes flying through the air and lands on the top shelf of the cupboard and Mom closes the door and then when Dad comes into the kitchen the cupboard door flys open and Pia comes blasting out flying through the air right at Dad's head!
Also then there's cat hairs in the Grape Nuts! That makes Dad really mad because Dad says that's his main source of fiber and he gets really really grumpy when he's doesn't get enough fiber! Nini says why doesn't he chew grass like the rest of us but Mom says no way she doesn't want Dad throwing up grass on the rugs!
Sunday, July 17
I have to write really big today because this is big news! Mom and Dad brought home a beagle today that they found in the woods and he is very, very old and a little worse for wear
but they say it's the only dog we have so we have to be nice to him! Pia says this is so disgusting but I think he's kind of cute! Also he's very quiet! I didn't know there were dogs that looked like that!
Monday, July 18
Nini says that the Beagle is really a SKULL and we all have one inside our heads. I find this rather hard to believe but Nini says yes it's true and Chickenloaf agrees because she was a nurse during The Crusades and she knows all about skulls. Then Nini showed me this thing and she put it next to the dog skull!
She says it's a CAT SKULL! But I don't have anything like that inside my head. I'd know if I did because it would rattle around! Pia says that's because I have NOTHING inside my head. But that's not true! I have some things inside my head! This is all just so gross!
Tuesday, July 19
This morning Dad said get packed Ben! We're going on a visit to your native land! So Ben spent all day packing! He rolled up his little sleeping bag and put together his little mess kit and he got out his little yellow raincoat and yellow rain hat and yellow rain boots! He says you always have to wear rain boots in his native land because of all the volcanic ash! He got his bagpipe, and his congas, and his lederhosen, and he stood by the door all afternoon waiting for Dad. Then Dad came home and scooped him up and tossed him into one of the CAT CARRIERS! He said okay Ben we're off to the VETERINARIAN! Then they drove away, and we all looked sadly out the window, and Nini said there goes one broken-hearted little boy!
Wednesday, July 20
Ben is back from the veterinarian! He says the veterinarian put electrodes all over his head and showed him ink blots! He said each ink blot looked just like a map of his native land! Then the veterinarian put Ben in a AUTOCLAVE and spun him around and around and then put him in CRYOGENIC STORAGE. Then the veterinarian asked him what he thinks about all day and Ben got very confused and said he mainly just sits in the litterbox and the veterinarian said Ben might need PSYCHOTHERAPY! Then the veterinarian put a thermometer up Ben's butt!
Saturday, July 31
I HATE MOM!!!! sHE MADE ME GET RID OF MY MAILBAG 'CAUSE i WASN'T UPDATING IT RIGHT! sHE IS A ROTTEN, ROTTEN MOM! i JUST WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW WHAT A ROTTEN MOM i HAVE! wHAT HAPPENED TO THE LETTERS? wHY ARE THEY ALL WEIRD AGAIN?? mOM!!!!!!!!!
So anyway this is the last day of July. Also I got this weird e-mail!
Time will come...
...when I find out who deep throat is, and HE will be promtly fricassied and fed to the weasels. I fart in his general direction. (*)
I showed it to Nini and Weakie and they both had a laughing fit and said it was from Dad! I asked Nini and Weakie what that little symbol is at the end, and they laughed even harder and slapped the floor with their paws! They said it's DAD'S BUTT!!!!!!!