Friday, October 1
Met with Deep Throat today under dining room table. He says doesn't Mom ever vacuum? He says meet him in bathtub at 3 a.m tomorrow. Will have information regarding Goat Hackers.
Saturday, October 2
Something horrible is happening in the basement! There's this awful blatting! We're all running around in circles because we can't stand it! Poor Charlie is downstairs in the basement with that horrible blatting thing! Nini says we must save him at all costs! Chickenloaf said let's chew through the door! Then Weakie got a better idea she said let's use Dad's tools to cut through the door! So we got out Dad's PROFANE torch and tried to cut through the door but we only made some things all black and smelly and sort of melted some stuff including Dad's favorite muffin pan!
Sunday, October 3
Ben buried Dad's muffin pan that's all melted into a glob in one of the litterboxes so Dad wouldn't find it! If he finds out we melted his favorite muffin pan that came all the way from BORNHOLM he'll stomp around and bellow, and it's just so boring! Pia is reading through one of Dad's welding books to see if she can weld Dad a new muffin pan that looks just like the old one. She says then we can pull the old switcheroo and Dad will never know. Pia is so smart.
Meanwhile that horrible blatting sound is still coming from the basement! Weakie says it's probably an elk that got into the basement 'cause she ran with some elk for a while when she was a stray. We haven't seen Charlie in days! The elk probably killed and ate Charlie!
Monday, October 4
We're planning a candlelight vigil for Charlie, who has been eaten by an elk! We can't find any candles, but Pia says Dad has a lot of blow torches and cutting torches in his tools, so we can use them. Anyways, a blow torch vigil seems like a really good idea!
Tuesday, October 5
Today in our Current Events class, Weakie taught us all about SERVER SECURITY. She explained that a lack of SERVER SECURITY is the reason why hackers got to my Web pages! She says that this happens when the SERVER MANAGER eats undercooked chicken! Then she showed us how to cook a chicken thoroughly and serve it with nice potato salad. Weakie is such a good teacher! We are learning Life Skills!
Wednesday, October 6
Charlie's back! He wasn't eaten by elk after all! He was sitting at the top of the steps this afternoon wearing a pair of fuzzy red earmuffs! Pia asked him what the hell's going on and he said what? So Pia lifted one of the earmuffs and said WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON and Charlie said Mom's practicing her trumpet!
Charlie says it's his job to keep the trumpet polished and mop up the spit from the spit valves and turn the pages of the sheet music!
I don't know what's sheet music is but I think it has something to do with cakes.
Then Ben got all misty! He said he hasn't heard a good trumpet player since he left his Native Land! Pia said that doesn't say much for Mom's playing, but Ben was too dreamy to listen! He says he's an old horn player himself! He says he used to lead a band called Benjie and the Boing Boings!
Thursday, October 7
Today in school we talked some more about SERVER SECURITY. Weakie showed us what a Web server is!
Then we got to do a special project! Weakie showed us Dad's userid and password and stuff, and we hacked into Dad's Web site that he takes care of at work and we put pictures of badgers all over his pages!
Then we had a major giggling fit!
Dad will think it is so funny when he sees those badgers!
Friday, October 8
Met with Deep Throat in bathtub at 3 a.m. Deep Throat says doesn't Mom understand the concept of porcelain cleansers?
Learned that Goat Hacker group is THE NUBIAN UNDERGROUND. Eat your Web browser after you read this. (Unless you are on AOL.)
Saturday, October 9
Met with Deep Throat in Litter Box Room. Must keep moving around. Goats might be anywhere! Deep Throat says phew, don't they ever clean the Litter Box Room?
Then he says there's a mole! That's how the Goat Hackers got in!
Sunday, October 10
So today I hunted and hunted for the mole! But I didn't see any mole! I'm not even sure what a mole looks like! Deep Throat says the mole could look like anyone! Even Mom!
Weakie says no, no, they're like mice only with more expensive coats and they tend to wear a lot of jewelry!
Gosh, who would have thought a mole could be so undermining!
Monday, October 11
Ben got out his infrared goggles and we hunted and hunted today and did not see a mole! Just one small white-footed mouse named Bambi! Weakie and Pia and I pinned the mouse down, and Pia said We will make you talk. But the Bambi just squeaked piteously! He said he didn't know anything he was just after Mom and Dad's garlic-flavored breadcrumbs! He was planning a reception after his cousin Pasha's Bar Mitzvah! Pia said Let's eat him. But then the mouse said wait, wait, he would help us find the mole! Pia said Screw that, let's toss him around until he's in shock and then eat half of him and leave the rest for Dad to step on! But Weakie said wait maybe he could help us! Ben said he couldn't stand this and he started weeping! He said this is just like in Watership Down!
Tuesday, October 12
So anyway we let Bambi go! He put his little tattered straw hat back on and put his red tear-soaked bandanna back in the seat pocket of his ragged bib overalls and ran like hell!
Pia said we have beagle turds for brains! She says aren't there any real cats in this house anymore besides her? She says this house is turning into a Disney film!
Wednesday, October 13
That horrible blatting noise is coming from the basement again! Charlie says Mom is practicing bales and fandangos! He says that Mom must play in IAMBIC PENTAMETER for 43 hours each day! He says she must practice using various types of cereal bowls! Playing the trumpet must be very very hard!
Thursday, October 14
This is Dad on the telephone! He is talking to his stock broker! Or maybe he's talking to his mom! It's hard to tell 'cause he talks the same way to both! He gets very whiny and sulky!
Dad says he's going to make us all rich someday, but Nini says he just deals in chump change! A few thousand here, a few thousand there, and it wouldn't even buy decent cat toys! Nini says she could buy and sell him eighty bazillion times over! We all believe her 'cause she's the richest mammal in the Universe! She even has her own cooking show!
Dad says if she's so damned rich why doesn't she give him some money? Or at least pay her way around here???
But Nini is very firm! She says Dad must learn to stand on his own two feet!
Saturday, October 16
So anyway we know who the mole is now! It's this Gerald guy who likes opera! Weakie says it just figures that he likes opera. Pia says let's corner Nini and
Sunday, October 17
The Goats are back!!! We gotta get this Gerald guy! Weakie says he goes to the Amish Farmer's Market the same time each Saturday so we can get a butterfly net and jump him and
Monday, October 18
Met with Deep Throat on top of the refrigerator. Deep Throat says doesn't anybody dust around this place? He says forget Gerald! Gerald's not a mole!
I mean, he's a mole but he's not that Mole! Deep Throat says he knows who the mole is once and for all! It's. . .
Tuesday, October 19
This is all terribly confusing but it appears that Chickenloaf is not a cat after all but a mole! But it's worse than that! I think she might also be a goat!
Wednesday, October 20
Today Ben threw up all his food kibbles on the dining room floor and Pia got really mad 'cause she's the new Tidiness Officer, and she had to cover it up with little pieces of paper from Dad's checkbook! She says next time she's going to cover it up with pieces of Ben's ears!
Thursday, October 21
Nini explained to me that Chickenloaf is neither mole nor goat! But she's been running with goats! Not just any goats either! THE NUBIAN UNDERGROUND!
Chickenloaf is extremely grumpy about all this! All morning she kept saying No comment!
Then she said I can do what I wanna do! Anyways goats are really really nice!
We all think it must have started with our field trip to Ag Progress Days this August! There were those dwarf goats handing out cotton candy and pamphlets! Weakie thought they were pamphlets on good hygiene! But now she remembers those goats were wearing Greek fishing caps and leather jackets with lots and lots of buckles and snaps and they had
embroidered on the back! Their names were Ren and Stimpy! They kept singing All we can say is, give goats a chance!
They had G-O-T-E tattooed on their hooves!
Friday, October 22
Met with Deep Throat in Dad's closet. He said does Dad always store cracker crumbs and mouse poop in his dress shoes? Then he showed me this photo:
Saturday, October 23
Today is so boring! I'm just so bored! It's snowing and I can't even practice outside with my new hula hoop!
Also the blatting sounds are getting worse! Weakie says it sounds like somebody is strangling wildebeests with a garden hose!
Charlie showed up on the top steps wearing a welder's helmet to protect his ears! He says Mom is practicing her STRANGENESS. Charlie says that is a very important part of trumpet playing.
Sunday, October 24
Chickenloaf confessed to everything! She gave the goats my userid and password so they could hack my site! She also gave them Dad's secret recipe for trout mousse! Me and Pia are really mad! It turns out that Chickenloaf has been a card-carrying member of THE NUBIAN UNDERGROUND for 46 years ~ nearly the entire life span of a giant redwood in Sequoia National Park!
She designs the goats' jackets and comes up with their slogans!
This explains a lot!
Monday, October 25
I am so bored! Everything is just so boring! School is so boring! We learned about the Gulf War but who cares I wasn't even born then! Anyways wars are so boring! Weakie says I should read a nice book or go outside and practice with my Hula Hoop but I hate books they are so boring and I can't find my Hula Hoop anywhere I think Pia's friends stold it!
Tuesday, October 26
Everything is so boring this week! Ben is really really boring! He's going through another one of his POETRY PHASES. He's writing about plum blossoms and grasshoppers and stuff! I hate poetry it is so boring unless it's stuff I write but I don't have anything to write about anymore because my life is so boring!
Oh great now Mom's playing that trumpet again!!!
Wednesday, October 27
Well it has been another long, boring day in my boring, boring life! Today Weakie gave us a really long lecture on litterbox hygiene and it was so boring and also it was very embarrassing! Then she handed out these pamphlets and we're supposed to take them home but we all hid them in the back of our readers!
Then Pia started licking her paw and running it across the top of her desk and it made this awful farting noise that echoed everywhere! We all had a major giggling fit! Ben was laughing so hard he started snorting!
Thursday, October 28
I am having an awful week if anybody cares! Today at school somebody threw a grape at my head! It bounced right off the back of my head and everybody laughed at me! Then at recess we were playing kickball and the ball hit me right in the head and bounced off my head!
I HATE kickball! If anybody cares!
Friday, October 29
Today in Show and Tell Ben taught us all how to make paper cranes for World Peace! He says if we make enough paper cranes there will be No More Wars. So then we spent the next hour making paper cranes! Here's mine!
Saturday, October 30
Yippee! Today we get to carve scary pumpkins and put them on the front steps and scare everyone! Then we are going to have a party and wear costumes and play scary games like FEEL THE PEELED GRAPE AND PRETEND IT'S AN EYEBALL and then we get to bob for chickenlegs! I cannot wait! I thought and thought and thought about what I want my costume to be and I came up with a really really good idea! I am going to the party dressed like a ghost!!!
Sunday, October 31
illustrated by Ben
Once there was this scary cat and he was so scary! This is what he looked like!
His name was Tube King! There was a big chair in his house and he would hide under this big chair!
Then he would leap out at the people in his house when they were standing around drinking martinis and eating little things on crackers!
He had so many claws! Sometimes another cat would come to the window and he would show that cat his claws!
Then the cat would run away!
Also he liked bread! One time he was in prison for 19 years for stealing a loaf of bread!
Then one day there was a little white cat in the house and Tube King said You get out of here, you little white cat!
But the little white cat said no way I am a ghost cat! And then the little white cat turned into a big scary ghost!
Then Tube King ran away down the hall!