Gracie's World

March 1999

Thursday, March 4, 1999
Today Mom thought she killed Ben. She shoved the sock drawer shut while Ben was underneath and Ben's tail quivered and fell limp. But then he walked out from under the sock drawer!

Friday, March 5, 1999
Today we are celebrating Cinqo de Marcho! Pia says this is a really big holiday in Ben's Native Land. She says let's string up Ben like a piñata and whack him with yardsticks until candy comes out.

Saturday, March 6, 1999
Later today Ben is giving a talk on Bhuddism and on whether Charlie is a rabbit or not.

Sunday, March 7, 1999
Chickenloaf was all upset today because she says her biorhythms are off, and her Feng Shui isn't working out. Ben had gas in the Health And Prosperity area, and Mom scrubbed the bathtub, which was the Personal Power area and now all the power is gone, also the rubber frog! So Chickenloaf has been slapping everyone on top of the head today. She even slapped Dad on top of the head when he was talking on the phone and then she stepped on the phone and the person he was talking to went away and then Dad bellowed and stomped around!

Monday, March 8, 1999
Kojak lost the last of his fur today. Ben was kicking him with his hind legs and his fur flew off so now he really, really is Kojak. But Ben still bats him around and kicks him like he's an underpriviledged cat that can't afford a nice mouse. I think this is just so gross.

Kojak

Tuesday, March 9, 1999
So anyway on Cinquo de Marcho we strang up Ben and we were beating him with yardsticks but he didn't break apart so candy would fall out like Pia said he would. Dad came into the kitchen and said what the hell is going on and Ben yelled Quick let me down I'm going to throw up! So we let him down and he ran down the hall and threw up on a pair of Dad's Birkenstocks! Gross!

Wednesday, March 10, 1999
I met with Deep Throat just after midnight. He said meet him in the parking garage but there's no parking garage and what is a parking garage anyway? So we met under the dining room table among the big balls of shedded cat fur. Deep Throat says that the one vomiting up the roundworms is DAD.

Thursday, March 11, 1999
Sometimes we hear Charlie thundering back and forth downstairs and then we go to the top of the stairs and look through the chickenwire door down at him and he's down there thundering back and forth! Then he picks up his go-run-around and carries the mouse-thing in his mouth so the string and the wand are trailing between his legs and he walks around and around in circles all sort of humped over making burbling sounds and Ben says this is what the Shamans do in his native land.

Friday, March 12, 1999
Pia says why don't I ever put a picture of her in my journal what's the matter with me am I racist? I don't think I am racist because I don't even have a bicycle but anyway here goes:

Pia says LOOK INTO MY EYES. They will hypnotize you and you will think you are a large stinky dog and you will chase a ball into traffic.

Saturday, March 13, 1999
Today Mom and Dad were marching around the house banging on coffee cans and singing something that Nini says is to the tune of a song called "The Marsellaise." We were not very happy because it went like this:

When we're done with thumping Chickenloaf,
Then we'll start in pounding Ben!
When we're done with thumping Chickenloaf,
Then we'll start in pounding Ben!

Then we'll whack on Charlie, and we'll grind up Gracie!
Then we'll go thrash Pia, and we'll sit on Weakie!

And Nini we'll throw to the dogs!......

Sunday, March 14, 1999
I met with Deep Throat tonight underneath the dining room table. He says watch out if Mom and Dad start marching around singing revolutionary songs. How does he know these things?? Pitchforks will be next he says. I know all about pitchforks 'cause I grew up on a Amish farm! Deep Throat said they will try to puncture us with pitchforks or maybe dinner forks! Then he threw up some cellophane and had to leave in a real hurry. I talked to Nini about the revolution and she says don't be silly Mom and Dad have evolved as much as they're ever going to evolve.

Rare footage of Deep Throat

Monday, March 15, 1999
Today Weakie ate a moth but the wings got stuck to her tongue and she said poo! poo! And out flew the wings! Dad said what the hell is that and Mom said disgusting. And then they rubbed the floor with tissues!

Tuesday, March 16, 1999
Mom gave us snacks at bedtime! She shook the bag and said who wants snacks in the hallway! I jumped up out of my wicker bed and bounced out into the hallway. Then Mom shut the bedroom door and said ha ha! The bedroom is free of cats I can now sleep! Pia says I am a dope when am I going to learn that those treats are always a RUSE.

Wednesday, March 17, 1999
Tonight Dad got out the crackly blue bag of cat snacks and danced down the hallway yelling who's stupid! who's stupid! And we all followed and he put cat treats on the floor in the bedroom and all the sudden we were all locked in the bedroom! Pia said oh fuck. And then we heard Mom and Dad say come on upstairs, Charlie! Have some pork rinds! Weakie tasted one of the cat snacks and spit it out poo! poo!

Thursday, March 18, 1999
The revolution has begun!!! Tonight Ben came staggering into the living room impailed with one of those little plastic swords that Mom and Dad put in their happy drinks! It was horrible! He cried blood! blood! and he fell over on his side and the sword was sticking out and he said I'm fading! I'm fading! Je vais mourir tout à l'heure! Maman! C'est toi Maman! Then Pia came up and flicked the sword away and said idiot it was just stuck in your fur. But it was too late! Ben had another near-death experience!

Friday, March 19, 1999
Oh great. Now we can't use the litterboxes because Ben has become a Bhuddist. He uses the litterboxes for Zen gardens! He took a bunch of teacups and dinner fork from the kitchen and he paints these weird lines in the litter and places the teacups around! Then he closes his eyes for a long time and makes this buzzing sound!

Saturday, March 20, 1999
Today is Maude's birthday! She 14! Nini says Maude always wears a clown suit, but I've never seen Maude, and I don't know what a clown suit is but Nini says trust me Maude always wears a clown suit. Pia took me aside and whispered that that means Maude is a calico, but I don't really think cats can ride horses so I think Pia is lying once again. Nini says Maude lives at the house where she used to live where the dogs taught her how to lay on her stomach and stick her legs out behind her like a frog.

Sunday, March 21, 1999
Last night Mom and Dad tortured Weakie!  Dad pinned her down and Mom put eyedroppers of green food coloring in her mouth! Then Weakie walked around with a green tongue saying poo! poo! Nini explained that this is to color Weakie's stools but Weakie doesn't have any stools she sleeps on Dad's leather chair. But Nini says Mom and Dad are going to give away Weakie's stools to a nice man! Why are Mom and Dad giving away furniture?