Gracie's World

May 1999

 

Saturday, May 1
Pia and Chickenloaf had a big fight! Chickenloaf was sitting on the Wicket and Pia wanted to sit on the Wicket, but Chickenloaf hates it when she has to share the Wicket! Chickenloaf said Get off you Big Load! And Pia said screw you I'm watching chipmunks! Then Dad snapped their picture!

 

Sunday, May 2
Today I am so bored! I just don't know what to write! I know! I'll put in my new poem about Ben!

Illustrious cowboy!
Zen Master!
Shaper of Litterboxes
and Lord of the Underpants Drawer!
Do you not know
When the leaf is vomitous
And time ticks on the Kit Kat,
Greying your muzzle, clouding your vision,
Tightening the bowels and requiring
Hairball medicine!
No!
You turn the dictionary leaf
With one claw
to the word
phalliculitis,
And your spittle soaks the catnip sock
of TIME.

Monday, May 3
Ben had a great idea today! We stuffed all the kibbles, cash, and jewelry from one of the rubber hands into the other rubber hand so we can store even MORE stuff in the rubber hands! It was hard work, but we got it done! Then Ben said let's drag around the empty rubber hand for old time's sake. So we dragged around the rubber hand for a while and it was so fun! Ben is my best friend!

Tuesday, May 4
I forgot to tell everyone that when we were at the Million Cat March in Washington D.C., Ben gave a talk on near-death experiences! He said he shares this experience with many lawnmowers especially Briggs and Strattons. Also steam irons. Then he showed the audience a steam iron!  Then he lead the crowd in singing "Kum Ba Yah" and gave a book signing. Here's the picture on the back of his book The Litterbox Beyond. Ben is a Bhuddist now and his name isn't Ben anymore! It's Poo Dung!

Friday, May 7
I haven't been able to write for the last two days 'cause I had a bad cold! All I wanted to do was sleep! Food was yucky! I kept sneezing into the food dish anyway! One time when I sneezed into the food dish, Pia called me an awful name! Poo Dung lit candles all around me and buzzed!

But I'm okay now.

Saturday, May 8
This morning Mom said she was getting out the Cat Sucker! Then she got out the big machine that rolls around on wheels and has this big hose that tries to suck up cats! We all ran under the bed! The Cat Sucker roared and roared and Mom was singing really loud! She kept singing

Chickenloaf's a little fink!
She's filthy and she really stinks!
I'd like to ask her what she thinks!
But I can't stand the smell!

The Cat Sucker didn't get us but it sucked up all the fur that was laying around! Chickenloaf said there goes my fabric arts project!

Then when we were all hiding under the bed Ben I mean Poo Dung told us about the time when the Cat Sucker really did suck him up! He was inside a bag for weeks and weeks and he had to live on spiders and bits of dry Stilton! He had another near-death experience!

Then he clawed his way out of the bag and he was in a Land Fill! One of Mom's nice watches was in the bag and he hocked it and got a plane ticket and flew back to the east coast! He walked home through the thistles and rode a calf part of the way!

Sunday, May 9
I am so bored! Sundays are so boring!  All the cats caught my cold and nobody wants to play with me. They're calling me Typhoid Mary. But I don't type on a typewriter so I don't know what they are getting at. Poo Dung had a sneezing fit in the bathtub and he flew up in the air with every sneeze and the bathtub magnified his sneezes so that Zeet! Zeet! Zeet! Zeet! echoed all around the house!

Then he had a rabies relapse and attacked the swan's head rocker! Then he slipped off the swan's head rocker and landed on his head and had another near-death experience! Pia is so sick of his near-death experiences! She says next time you have one of those why don't you stay there a while.

Sigh. I am so bored. I guess I'll go color in my coloring books now.

Monday, May 10
Mom and Dad came home the other night and said they were drinking in a bar and dining on schnitzel and listening to Tyrolean yodelers! I was very confused! What are Tyrolean yodelers? Pia said that sounded like a nightmare! But Ben I mean Poo Dung got very misty! He said he hasn't yeard real yodelers since he left his native land! Then he got out his lederhosen for old time's sake!

Tuesday, May 11
Last night I had a funny dream! Dad was walking around the house on stilts! The stilts had frog feet! He was beating Ben who was a big helium balloon rolling around everywhere on the ceiling! Ben kept yelling help me help me! But I couldn't do anything! I just kept batting at the stilts!

Then the string came off the balloon and Ben went zipping all around the house! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiippppppppp! I woke up and Ben was sneezing and sneezing going Zzzzzzzzzziiiiiip! Zzzzzzzzzziiiiiip! Zzzzzzzzzziiiiiip!

Wednesday, May 12
Weakie just critiqued my writing and she says for the most part it's lean, tight, and muscular albeit slightly "blue collar," however I use far too many exclamation points. Okay I will not use exclamation points. I will be very very careful not to use them 'cause Weakie says that's like shouting all the time. Notice that I have not used any exclamation points whatsoever today. Weakie says that's much much better! I mean that's much better.

Thursday, May 13
You are not going to believe this! This is too funny! Pia and I caught Ben standing on the sink in front of the bathroom mirror holding Mom's hairbrush and singing into it! He was singing funny words to that Natalie Imbruglia song!

Your're a little late!
I'm already wormed!

Pia and I laughed and laughed and Ben blushed right through his orange fur!

Friday, May 14
Weakie says she's tired of being called Weakie since she is related to The Queen. So from now on she wants to be called Your Weakness. Dad says that doesn't sound so great but Weakie I mean Your Weakness I mean...My Weakness..Her Weakness? Anyway she insists on it.

Saturday, May 15
Today Pia was selling tickets to watch Ben poop in the litterbox! She said you gotta see this. So we all gathered around and Ben pooped in one litterbox and then got in the litterbox next to it and tried to bury his poop in the first litterbox! He dug and dug and dug in the litter and he was so puzzled! Then he noticed us watching and we laughed and laughed! He blushed right through his orange fur again!

Sunday, May 16
Mom and Dad are questioning us trying to find out which one of us put up the sign over the litterboxes that says CLEAN FILL WANTED. I know who it was but I am not going to tell!

Sunday, May 23
Last night Dad pulled the plastic lid off the Easy Chicken and BANG! The lid made a loud snap and we all got scared! We went racing down the all and knocked over two chairs and shoved the coffee table right around in a circle! Chickenloaf ran smack into the bedroom door! Ben I mean Poo Dung asked if she had a near-death experience so he could interview her for his book and she said she didn't know but it sure hurt like hell!

Monday, May 24
Mom and Dad are making a big fuss over something called a Turkle. They brought in a spear of  asparg~ aspagg~ this green vegetable from the garden and they tied a bow around it and a little card that said it was for Jeremy! I asked Nini what's a Turkle? She said he published a lot of books on the American Experience. Weakie says she ran with some Turkles when she was a stray, and it's really important to pace yourself. This doesn't help a bit. I need answers!

Tuesday, May 25
Met with Deep Throat at midnight. Asked him What is a Turkle? He said some scurrilous things are happening in the litterbox room. I asked him what does he mean. He says mice! They're scurrying everywhere!

Wednesday, May 26
Pia is in a very very bad mood. She says she's tired of being PERSECUTED. She says she might as well change her name to Damnit Pia.

Thursday, May 27
Chickenloaf and Sylvester had a fight! Chickenloaf grabbed Sylvester's foot and bit it and shook it and shook it! Then she hopped off the loveseat right onto Ben I mean Poo Dung! She bit Poo Dung's ear! Poo Dung fell down and said I've been attacked! It is nearly impossible to be a pacifist in this house!

Friday, May 28
Chickenloaf and Sylvester made up! They're inviting all of us to their anniversary party! Ben is washing his lederhosen and brushing up on making the Crepe Suzettes that he used to make when he was a chef in his native land!

Saturday, May 29
So then this Turkle sends Mom and Dad a thank you note!

But nobody can tell me what the hell is a Turkle! Dad pointed to the little green drawing. So I guess maybe a Turkle is a sow bug after all.