Tuesday, June 1
Yesterday was Mammal Day when you're supposed to remember all the mammals! Mom and Dad got to stay home! They fed us some stinky cheese! Mom said they saw a copperhead! I asked what's a copperhead and Weakie says she ran with some copperheads when she was a stray and you have to tread lightly. Ben says HE'S a copperhead. He showed me the top of his head and it really is copper! He says that copperhead is his brother and his name is Joe and he want's Mom and Dad to bring Joe inside! I asked Mom is Ben really a copperhead and she said yes! She says this is what Ben's brother looks like.
Wednesday, June 2
Sylvester had a terrible accident today and Chickenloaf ran around and around crying help! help!
Everybody thought Sylvester was dead once again also we thought the chair was dead! But then Dad grumbled a lot and fixed everything! Weakie did a forensic analysis.
Ben I mean Poo Dung wants to know if he had a near-death experience but Sylvester's not talking! Pia says this is so boring what else is new?
Friday, June 4
Tonight Mom and Dad gave us all milk! It tasted so good! Then I threw up! Then I threw up again! Then I threw up again and again! I lost track but Pia says I threw up 48 times! Mom and Dad used up a whole roll of paper towels! Then they started calling me Damnit Gracie and Pia says welcome to the club!
Saturday, June 5
Pia says Ben is in the litterbox room laying some cable. I didn't even know Ben was an electrician! I have to go now because I want to go see Ben laying cable!
Sunday, June 6
Mom let me use the camera so I dragged it around and I took these pictures of Ben! Dad was a photographer in the Civil War and he says my pictures are really really good!
Monday, June 7
Dad says he wants to get rid of us and replace us with Turkles! Turkles are those sowbug things! He says Turkles are far better than cats. Plus they poop less! Nini says don't pay any attention to Dad he's just a sack of hot wind. But Pia says she isn't taking any chances. She has started another petition! We're all going to sign it and then she's going to send it to Sally Struthers whoever that is!
Tuesday, June 8
Everybody except Weakie signed Pia's petition that says Dad sucks and we want another Dad. Even Mom signed it! Ben signed it and got all nervous and threw up! He says Dad's nickname in the Underworld is THE DANE. What if he takes a contract out on us he says. Then Pia called Ben a pussy!
Thursday, June 10
Finally today we all got to see what a Turkle is! Dad showed us this picture!
Pia said what the hell is that?! She walked away very disgusted. Chickenloaf said oh how cute! So anyway I guess a Turkle is really just a sowbug after all.
Sunday, June 13
Dad says no, no, Turkles are verrrrrry different from sowbugs and they're lots nicer than sowbugs or cats. He says isn't Jeremy handsome? Weakie agreed that Jeremy is handsome and the fact that he is a shy woodland creature adds to his charm. She says we must think Diversity. We are all one Family.
Pia says this is a bunch of shit!
Wednesday, June 16
Ben keeps asking when are Mom and Dad going to bring into the house his brother Joe the copperhead. He says if we don't bring in his brother Joe, Joe will freeze to death! He drew this nice picture of Joe.
Thursday, June 17
Dad says okay if we want a copperhead in the house so bad he'll go outside and get the copperhead and bring him inside then we'll all be happy! He's outside looking for the copperhead! We can hear him out in the yard yelling Here, copperhead! Here copperhead!
Friday, June 18
Dad is away for the weekend. Whenever Dad goes away, Mom is so obnoxious! She ate lettuce for breakfast! She's playing that awful record by the Mighty Mighty Blob Tones really loud and bouncing up and down!
A Father's Day Poem
by Gracie and Pia
Dear Old Dad in his boxer shorts
Stomps around and yells and snorts!
But we know he loves us.
Doesn't share his hot dog meat,
If we are bad our butts he'll beat!
Towers way above us,
But we know he loves us.
Grumpy after work each day,
We have to watch each meow we say!
We fear that he will drubb us,
that maybe he will club us,
But we know he loves us.
Dear Old Dad in his overalls,
Smells like dogs and veal calf stalls!
He says that he will chuck us,
If we start a ruckus,
We're hungry! He says fuck* us!
But we know he loves us!
* Pia insisted that we use this word at least once!
Sunday, June 20
OH, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now Mom is packing up all her stuff and she's going away too! She even painted her fingernails dark blue! Mom says don't worry she's just going for a few days to a Confidence and Dad will be home tonight, but Pia says don't you believe it; It's all over! We're going to be totally abandoned! We're going to starve and die and also starve! Maybe also die! Chickenloaf has taken to her bed, and Nini is gazing wistfully out the window and she's wearing her mourning brooch at her throat. Weakie says time for a nice long nap. Ben is sobbing uncontrollably!