Thursday, April 1
Mom says that tonight when she and Dad get home, we're all going to get a surprise! I simply cannot wait!
Friday, April 2
Mom and Dad are so disgusting! They think they are so funny but they're not! They came home last night and said here's your surprise, kids! Then they filled our food dishes with stones! Then they jumped around yelling April Fools! April Fools! They did the same thing last year! This is so dumb!
Saturday, April 3
Guess what? Tomorrow I get to ~ oops gotta go 'cause Ben is sticking his head in the toilet and Pia is pulling his tail really hard and he's hanging onto the toilet seat lid and he's yelling save me! save me!
Sunday, April 4
Dad said time for some recreational drugs! Then he gave us all catnip! I got so freaked out! Pia says I was rolling around on my back and rubbing my cheeks along the floor! This is so embarrassing! Next time I will say no to drugs!
Tuesday, April 6
Pia is organizing a Million Cat March! Mom says this is ridiculous what you'll have is a million roadkills. But Pia is determined! She says cats must be recognized for what they are! Twits, Dad says.
Wednesday, April 7
The organization of the Million Cat March is going really well! We're going to have carnival rides, and balloons, and cotton candy! Also a craft show! I'm going to show my map of the world that I made out of catfood kibbles and food coloring, and Ben is going to show his Zen Litterbox Gardens! Also he's going to read aloud from his memoirs!
Thursday, April 8
Chickenloaf is making macrame for the craft show! She's also going to display her spider jewelry. It's made from real spiders and spiderwebs! But the spiders are dead! She says her newest medium is squash beetles. She made a whole tiara out of dead squash beetles!
Friday, April 9
Chickenloaf's favorite cat is Sylvester The Cat That Never Moves. Pia says don't be stupid Sylvester isn't a real cat but Chickenloaf says he's more real than Pia. Certainly nicer.
Saturday, April 10
Weakie finally got her big name! She's the only one that didn't have a big name 'cause she's so mysterious! Her big name is Elizabeth Wysiwyg. Mom wrote a song about it!
Elizabeth Wysiwyg knows her code!
When she waddles down the hallway
She's a wide, wide load!
Elizabeth Wysiwyg! She's getting very big!
But she says she's only big boned!
Sunday, April 11
Everybody has been avoiding the Oriole's Nest, and now I know why! Somebody threw up in it! I have to go tell Mom.
Monday, April 12
Chickenloaf says she won't go on the Million Cat March unless Sylvester The Cat Who Doesn't Move can go too. But Sylvester can't walk! Pia pushed him off the couch and said walk dummy and he just fell on his nose! Chickenloaf says that's no way to treat a former Vaudville star.
Tuesday, April 13
Sylvester The Cat Who Doesn't Move gets to go on the Million Cat March after all! Chickenloaf says she's going to pull him in a little cart! She's going to talk to the Amish about building her a little cart or maybe they already have little carts for their cats!
Wednesday, April 14
Must be circumspect. Met with Deep Throat at midnight. Says a certain cat with the initials CT is secretly married to another certain cat with the initials STCWDM. Must solve mystery. Please swallow this after you read it.
Thursday, April 15
Pia is very grumpy because only 4 cats have signed up for the Million Cat March. She says she doesn't care the March will go on. Next stop: Washington, D.C.!
Friday, April 16
The Million Cat March was a success! All 4 of us took a bus to Washington, D.C. and the cherry blossoms were beautiful just like the ones in Ben's native land but they made Chickenloaf sneeze! We marched around the grass and Chickenloaf pulled her little cart with Sylvester in it and we had popcorn and cotton candy and Ben gave a reading from his memoirs that made everybody cry! Then a stray cat pooped in one of Ben's Zen Litter Gardens! Then Pia gave her speech about how Cats Must Be Heard and we got to go home! It was a big day and I am so sleepy!
Pia, organizer of the
Historic Four-Cat March
in Washington, D.C.,
Friday, April 16
Saturday, April 17
Someone murdered Sylvester The Cat That Never Moves! We found him lying on the floor this morning! Chickenloaf is walking around draped in black lace like a Spanish widow!
Tuesday, April 20
Today started out so boring. I was just so bored! Everybody was napping so Ben and I got out the rubber hands and dragged them around for a while. But even that got boring! Then Ben said let's chew on the laundry basket but when we tried to chew on the laundry basket, Mom had rubbed Vicks Vaporub on the laundry basket so Ben got a mouth full of Vicks Vaporub!
Then we figured out that the Rubber Hands would be a good place to store some extra food. It took a long time to put the food in the Rubber Hands, but it was worth it! We put some food kibbles in the hands also some chicken whitemeat that Ben has been hiding.
All in all, it was a very good day.
Wednesday, April 21
Ben is learning to live without chewing clothes baskets, also food. He says this is Zen. He's going to shave his head. He sits in a corner and makes this weird humming and buzzing sound. Mom and Dad thought the refrigerator was on the blink and Dad was smacking the side of the refrigerator, but then Mom said look it's only Ben being an idiot.
Saturday, April 24
This morning Chickenloaf was eating her food and then Ben blasted through the kitchen and Kojak the Mouse on the Rubber String hurtled through the air and landed in Chickenloaf's food dish! Chickenloaf was so surprised! Pia says maybe she should switch restaurants!
Sunday, April 25
Sylvester came back today! He wasn't really dead! We asked him what happened and he said Mom just laundered him, that's all! Ben is going to interview him for his book on near-death experiences!
Monday, April 26
Today we saw a dog in the yard! He was big and floppy and spotted all over and he was snuffling and digging in the big woodchuck hole next to the tree that gets those stinky orange berries! Then he chased birds around and Dad yelled at him to go away! Charlie says that type of dog is called a ROTTENWEILER. He says he knows 'cause he lived next to two ROTTENWEILERS when he lived in the Big City. But I don't think it was a Rottenweiler I think it was a TIMBER WOLF! We asked Mom, and she said it was just an old hound dog from the farm over the hill.
Tuesday, April 27
Mom gave us a new toy today! It's one of her socks filled with fresh catnip! I was taking a nap when she presented it to everyone and by the time I found it it was all soggy! Also Ben had chewed two holes in it!
Wednesday, April 28
I played with the catnip sock for a long time! Pia says when I play with catnip must I squirm like a dying insect?
Thursday, April 29
Ben and I are storing lots of things in the Rubber Hands for Y2K! We don't know what Y2K is, but it must be very important 'cause Dad is talking about it all the time, and he says maybe when Y2K comes we will all have to eat birdseed to stay alive. Not Ben and me! We put inside the hands lots of kibbles and chicken meat and also a mouse! Also some of Mom's jewelry! Also cash from Dad's wallet in case we need to buy stuff!
Friday, April 30
This morning we were all in the kitchen and Mom told Dad that Charlie gets the grossness prize. He threw up in his water dish! There it was floating, all slimy and stuff. When we heard that, we all yelled ewwwwwwwwww! and ran around and around in circles!